Blurred Clarity| Yoongi (SUGA) Oneshots

I'll Give Myself Up To You, My Work~

5.1k words. Ot7

Warnings for self-destructive behaviour, poor working habits, over-working, slight depression warning, Yoongi passes out so if you don't like that then this might also be a skip.

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Yoongi doesn't know what's wrong with himself.

Why can't he call it quits when he should?

Why is he always overworking himself?

Why does he snap at anyone who tries to help?

Why does he pretend to be so cold?

Why does he suffer with emotional detachment?

And why won't he reach out to anyone?

He'll dance and dance until his legs burn and his shoulder aches excruciatingly just during practice. Because he's the worst dancer and he needs to get the dance down perfect no matter how hard it is, or how much effort it'll take. He refuses to be the slow, weak link.

He'll record vocals over and over again, he'll spend hours getting the right inflection until his voice is strained and his throat is sore. Even then he'll keep going, because he needs the take to be perfect. He'll run the tapes of his vocals over with Hobi or Jungkook, and they'll say that every take he does sounds good, or they all sound the same and he should just pick one of them. But Yoongi can hear it, even the slightest tiny sound he doesn't like, and he'll record it again. He doesn't want good, he doesn't want great, he doesn't want the same, he wants perfect. And he won't stop until it's right, regardless of if he has to be on vocal rest the next day to recover.

He's holed up in the genius lab for days on end, neglecting his own health to produce instrumentals for them. He spends hours hunched over, staring at that screen, clicking and dragging instruments over to hear what they sound like. He'll fuck with the tempo of the song, turn it from 3 to 4 to 8 and then back again to try to figure out what he wants. He puts a snare in and then pulls it out because it sounds too clean, only to spend another hour looking for the perfect one. 

Nothing ever sounds right for him, it's always a little too much of something, and his heart tells him that he can't get it the way he wants it exactly, and he should stop. But his head keeps going. He'll put in a piano, think it's off-beat, try to fix it and realize that he's only made it worse, and put it back the way it was in the beginning, only to fuck with it again. He'll be three days into producing a track, play it for the 150th time, realize he hates it and scrap the whole thing to start over.

Sometimes he burst into tears after he completely deletes a song, frustrated with himself for thinking irrationally and destroying something he worked so hard on. Then he'll think even harder about the track and think that he actually liked it but now it's gone so he might as well make a new one.

He gets to a point where he can't take any sort of criticism whatsoever. Anything he perceives as even slightly negative has him shouting angrily. He remembers one time when he'd finished producing a track, and played for the members. At the end they all clapped and said it was really good, but Namjoon mentioned turning down the grit on the 808 he used. Yoongi snapped and just shouted "IF YOU WANT THE FUCKING GRIT FIXED, FIX IT YOUR GODDAMN SELF!" before grabbing his keys and slamming the door to the studio, leaving some very confused bandmates.

Anyone who tries to come and get him from his studio has to go through hell to do it. He's given them the code for emergency situations but he doesn't want them to enter unless he's dead or on the brink of death. Which he normally is by the time they show up. He only ever gets up to use the bathroom when he can't hold it anymore, and his entire fridge is basically stocked with coffee and redbulls that he shotguns to keep himself going. He only eats once his empty stomach gets too hard to ignore and so he'll heat up a pack of instant noodles to cram down his throat as fast as possible. If any of his boyfriends try to come in before at least the 5th day, Yoongi will shout at them, throw waterbottles at them, and slap them if they get too close to him.