Love The Way You Lie

28. Love the Way You Lie

AUTHORS NOTE: Hey everyone! Please take note that the song I chose is meant to be played on a loop... so try to find a way so you can listen to it non stop (I mean if you want)!
Enjoy❤️
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"Hi..." I felt my breathing getting heavier. I felt like I couldn't inhale or exhale. I stayed in my seat as everyone's eyes were on me. I was terrified. "I'm Emily... I umm... I'm here because I need help. I don't really know what's wrong with me, but... I needed to get better. My whole life I've been searching for something. Don't ask me what it is because I don't even know. I guess that, I feel... lost." I said taking a deep breath. I was suffocating silently on each of my words as I kept talking. "I... don't know what to say! Fuck I mean! I have people around me who love me, who protect me! And here I am crying and whining that I feel alone!" I shouted as I looked up for the first time to met the comprehensive eyes of the people sitting with me. I stayed silent and wiped away the tears. "I just want to feel better. I'm tired of feeling sad. It's like it's the only way for me to stay entertained yet, I hate it. I hate this hole that I dug myself up in my heart! I hate the fact that I can't talk to my best friend or boyfriend about this dark, sad, depressing side of me without feeling crazy or misunderstood!" I was sad, and angry. Nobody spoke. They were just listening to me, to my words, to my cries. "I always ask myself, whenever I am feeling alone; if I was to die, or get really badly injured... who other than my parents would come see me or truly care about me? And every time, I would end up with such a little number. Yet the people that do love me and care for me, even if they aren't that many, are always there for me! And yet again, I feel alone, like it's not enough! Like their love isn't enough for me! I mean what the fuck is wrong with me! Tom... Sam... Harry and Paddy... Nikki... Dom... they love me. So why isn't this enough to help me feel better?! To make me believe that I'm not actually alone...? To make me realize that I do matter..?" I finished as I was now staring at my shoes. I was replaying my words in my head like a song you play on a loop. "I'm just tired... of everything... I just want to be ok... to feel something good for a long time... to be stable... to be happy." I whispered as I buried my face in my hands.

"Thank you Emily... everyone please go to the courtyard for a little break. Emily... come with me."Gloria led me down the hall to her office, where we both sat in a comfortable silence. "How are you doing now?" She kindly asked me as she looked straight in my eyes.

"Like shit..." I whispered with a chuckle.

"Yeah... it's normal. For all it's worth... I'm proud of you. You've been here for what? Two months now, and you are finally opening up. It may be hard to talk, to breathe. But Emily, I see in you something strong. And that may be a good thing, but sometimes, it's better to be weak and let yourself open up. That's why we are here. You need to get out what you are feeling. You need to talk, to see that you are not alone. Because Emily... if I have learned one thing since your arrival, is that you are not alone. I know you might feel like this but, one day, you will see that if you seek help, the people outside these walls, the people that keep calling you every Friday, the people that you won't allow yourself to speak to... will always be there for you." Her words warmed my heart. I still felt numb, broken, but somehow, I felt a small part of me heal. I knew I was getting better... slowly maybe, but definitely.

"Thanks Doc... it's Friday today right..?" I asked as I stood up to leave her office.

"Yes... are you going to call them..?" She asked me with a soft smile.

"I think I'm ready... I guess I'll see..." I said as I crossed the door and closed it behind me.

I walked back into my room. I felt kind of empty. I took a deep breath and placed the pills that were on my nightstand in my mouth. They were just pills to help me get better. I'm not someone who gets addicted to things so... don't worry about that! I took them because they were part of the steps I had to succeed before leaving the clinic. I was at step 4 yesterday but, after my speech today, I was at 6. I knew I could do it. I just needed a bit of help, I needed to talk to them. I needed to know that they didn't hate me. I needed to know that I could make amends with them.