Raven and Beast boy

Chapter 9

Episode 43 (Beast boy)

The last couple of days have been very weird, I've been in a bubble, I still feel so happy all of the time and I can't avoid it but in my head I feel like I should be sad, Slade is back and we don't know what does that mean. Robin got all nervous because he is back so he's acting like a sergeant again, Starfire is trying to distract him sometimes, so he won't drive us crazy. At least Cyborg acts like always, and Raven, well, against all my expectation she is not doing bad. She does spend a whole lot more time with her books and looking for books in a lot of different libraries and online and everywhere she can, but other than that she seems normal.

I sometimes feel bad that Slade's comeback is not affecting me as much as I expected, I mean, it is. Terra lost his life to end him and it wasn't enough, so that makes a lot of the bad feelings reappear, but I would expect myself to be devastated.

I am sometimes. I feel like I could've done so much more, I could've been a better friend, or a more understanding one and maybe she wouldn't leave, and he wouldn't got her. I always feel like my best is not enough, yet this time something is different, I am enough for someone, I am enough for Raven, it seems for now at least, it seemed the same with Terra though. What if Raven decides to leave too. Although I didn't give enough with Terra, I was still hung up on Raven, and I think I gave it a good chance, but sometimes I feel like I didn't and that's when the remorse comes. Every time I think things are great this thought just comes back, it's like a whip, it comes suddenly and hits all I was thinking about, it just monopolizes my head. I try to avoid it, I try to stay positive, but it isn't easy. When this thought comes, I just go and start talking with someone about anything, like changing the subject in my brain. The worst part is when it comes at night, when I know I can't do anything about it, I can't just go to talk to someone because everyone is asleep. Sometimes I just fly away for a couple of hours, just to avoid spiraling away.

I'm not a scary cat, I know that, but I hate to lose people, I get attach too early sometimes and I feel like I let everyone inside me and then, when they leave there is just this hole that makes me feel sick, like it's my fault that they're gone.

I don't cope well with things; I remember when my parents... Well, weren't there anymore I was so lost, and the pain was so hard to take that I would just spend entire weeks transformed into a bear or a tiger. The more time I spend in an animal form the more my thoughts get lost, I don't really like people knowing this but when I spend too much time in an animal form my head and instincts start to mix. Once I spent 2 weeks as a bear just hiding from everything in the woods and I almost forgot who I was, I only transformed back when I saw a girl approaching and I had to fight my instinct of hurting her. And even when I got back on my human form, it felt like I was on the wrong skin for two days.

Okay, I need to get out of my room, it starts to feel too small for me.

In the living room I see Starfire on the couch, so I sit next to her.

"Do you wanna play?" I say as I turn on the game console.

"Beast boy, what do you do when you feel the blues?" she asks and then sights. She's been in a terrible mood since Robin left, I just wonder what's going on there.

"I don't really do much, I just watch TV or eat ice cream, but why are you so... Blue?" I ask her, although I may not wanna know the answer it's kind of intriguing.

"Robin is my best friend and he's been acting different and I am afraid he may not come back" she says. Best friend, yep, sure, why not.

"Look Star, he does stuff like this all the time, it's how he was raised but he always comes back, don't worry" I say hoping it will cheer her up.

"I hope you are in the right" she says and takes the other joystick.