SITUATIONS ✔️

NOT YOU

CHAPTER SEVEN: NOT YOU

" but even with these flashing lights,
I'm still thinking of you "

Alam ko ang sarili ko. And I hate myself sometimes. I like to overthink, masyado akong nag-iisip nang mga bagay na hindi naman mangyayari.

Overthinking is not a good thing. Bakit sa palagay mo ako ang laging nasasaktan 'nung mga araw na minahal ko si Timothy nang husto?

Lagi 'kong iniisip 'yung mga simpleng bagay, salita, or ginagawa ni Timothy. Or kapag ako ang pinipili niyang partner sa project na'min dati 'nung seventh grade kami. Or 'nung ako 'rin ang pinili niyang partner para sa dance na'min noong Filipino Month.

Nung Secret Santa na'min sa school, kahit na hindi ako ang partner niya, hindi niya nakakalimutang bigyan ako nang regalo.

Lagi niya 'kong minemessage about sa klase, at ako naman, tanga. Akala ko dahil nahihiya lang siyang kausapin ako dahil may crush siya sa'kin. Pero talagang ginagamit niya lang ako just in case na may nakakalimutan siyang gawin sa klase.

I was blind. I even had to lie to his parents, kanila Tito and Tita because of him.

He knew I was really into him. That I was in love with him. I was stupid. Too stupid.

But, first love is not supposed to be perfect daw, 'yun daw 'yun.

I already learned my lesson in love. I also learned my lesson from overthinking, overthinking about the smallest things. From his stares, smiles, texts, and everything.

Kaya bakit?

Why do I feel like everything is repeating again?

Halos hindi ako makatulog sa kakaisip, sa attitude at sa mga sinabi ni Silas. And his expression when I blurted out na mabait si Ryland. I can't stop thinking about it.

The way his eyes darkened, those dark eyes of his.

Galit, passionate, everything. It was different.

I remembered everything. Kahit 'yung gabi na we had sex. Shit. Shit.

His chest, his body, his scent, 'di 'rin nakakatulong 'yung labi niya sa leeg ko. And I didn't know that those lips can also do more than just kissing. His tongue is so fucking talented, especially when it's inside my clit, my core.

I... needed him. I wanted him.

And his voice, his possessiveness, kahit na baka nasa isip ko lang 'to, it's still hot. So fucking hot, attractive. I want him. I want Silas so much that I don't think I've felt something like this, ever.

Pero, alam ko na mali 'to. Mali lahat nang iniisip ko.

I don't want to get myself hurt again. And compared to Timothy, Silas is a lot to handle. He is dangerous, bad. Matagal ko nang alam, pero I still let him into my life, into my body, into my mouth. And deep into my soul.

Huminga ako nang malalim at ngumiti sa sarili 'kong repleksyon sa salamin. Sinuot ko 'yung pinaka-madaling tanggalin mamaya pag-dating ko sa location.

I wore my turtleneck crop top na hanggang sa taas ng abs ko, and then some high-waisted jeans paired with my Air Jordan Mid Chicago.

I exhaled, and you could tell how bothered I am. And how exhausted I am dahil hindi ako nakatulog until four am.

Pero may trabaho ako. So I need to do something. I have to. I have to at least do something for myself.

It's been a week since everything went down. And it's also been a week since the last time I've seen Silas. Pero makakabuti 'rin 'to para sa'kin. It's better 'kung hindi ko muna siya makita, or forever. I don't know. I don't even want to think about this now.