Denying Draco

39 - Expectations

Fear was the first thing that cascaded over her but her feet kept carrying her forward. She moved closer and closer to him with every sob that fell from his mouth as he clung to the sink in front of him and Poppy could feel herself shaking as she got closer. The repulsive, evil, cruel boy in front of her had made her feel a whirlwind of things but the good, kind, sensitive person inside of her couldn't walk away upon seeing him so upset. She knew she was lining herself up for a world of abuse but she could not will herself to walk away.

'Draco?' She dared to speak and her voice came out weak and afraid.

He flinched, glancing to his left where he saw her standing and she twiddled her thumbs and bit the inside of her cheek nervously. He looked her up and down, his wet face no longer twisted up from crying but looking confused and uncomfortable. 'Why did you come in here?'

'I heard you crying,' she murmured, her heart pounding in her chest. 'I'm sorry, I...well, I just...I was just...'

'You're afraid of me.' He said the words softly and breathlessly, as if he wasn't stating something awful. He didn't move from his crouched position over the sink but his eyes stayed firmly on her.

'No, I'm not,' she replied. She had no clue as to whether that was a lie or not.

'You are,' he whispered, and he dropped his head back down again, staring into the sink as his sobs resumed. 'Fuck...' He whispered to himself softly, before he screamed out an erratic and desperate cry. 'Fuuuuckkk!'

Poppy jumped but instead of taking steps back away from him, she moved closer, seeing the torment, the angst, the fear and the desperation on his face. 'It's okay, Draco.' She rested a hand nervously on his shoulder.

'It's not okay,' he sobbed, shaking his head. 'I can't do this anymore.'

'Do what?' she asked.

'I just can't...' he whispered, his sobs getting louder as he surrendered to them again. 'I'm a failure. I don't know what to do!'

'Please talk to me,' Poppy begged, feeling afraid for him and she moved her hand across the back of his shoulders and lowered her head to look at him.

'I don't want to do this anymore,' he croaked, turning to her and his forehead met her shoulder where he rested there and burst into harder weeps. 'I just want it all to be over.'

Poppy had no words. He was collapsing on his feet right against her, his whole body weight pushing her down and she gripped onto his waist as he cried into her neck, taking the pair of them down to the floor carefully where she sat on her knees and held him as he wept into her neck. His tears filled the silent, empty room, echoing against the walls and she could feel herself becoming emotional for him. She'd known he was dealing with something deep, but she'd had no idea that he was battling such dark feelings.

Resting her hand on his head, she stroked his hair comfortingly as he cried and gently kissed his temple. 'Can you talk to me?' she whispered.

'I can't talk to anyone,' he whispered back. 'I'm a fucking failure.'

'You're not a failure, Draco,' Poppy whispered. 'Whatever it is you're trying to succeed in, I have faith in you.'

He fell silent for a moment before speaking. 'You shouldn't speak of such things you've no idea about.'

'I just want you to know that I believe in you,' she murmured, closing her eyes as she breathed in and took in his homely scent.

'What is expected of me...' Draco mumbled, still resting against her shoulder. 'I can't handle it.'

'To exceed the expectations of others, we must first raise expectations of ourselves,' Poppy told him. It was something her uncle had once told her.

He raised his head and then straightened up his full body, looking at her closely and she became nervous once again.

'You're right,' he stated, nodding slowly.

'I am?' she questioned.

'I've been telling myself I'm going to fail this whole time,' Draco murmured, frowning at himself as he got lost in thought. 'Ive been setting myself up for failure.'

Poppy stayed quiet until he looked at her again, nodded once more and got to his feet. She stood up too, admiring how even in such a messy and untidy state, he still looked beautiful to her. It made the dull ache from the pain he had caused her hurt that little bit more.

'Are you going to be okay?' Poppy asked.

'Why would you be so concerned after what I said to you?' Draco asked. 'Why would you come here to comfort me and sit by my side?'

'I have no answer to that,' Poppy admitted, hoping this was the path to an apology from Draco and a full speech on how he hadn't meant a word of it.

'It makes you vulnerable to be such a way,' Draco told her. 'It makes you look weak.'

'I...I don't care,' she murmured, feeling too deflated and tired to argue back.

He narrowed his eyes as he studied her and then he cleared his throat and straightened up. 'Don't ever tell anyone about this.'

'You know I wouldn't,' Poppy sighed, realising Draco clearly felt no remorse about what had happened and she knew that was never going to change. He was never going to change. 'Good luck with whatever it is you have going on. I hope it all works out for you.'

'It will work out,' Draco said, nodding once. 'You've made me realise the problem was me. I do believe in myself, so everything is going to work out as expected.'

'Great,' Poppy said, just wanting to be away from him. 'Bye, Draco.'

He didn't reply and her tears resumed as she left the bathrooms again. She'd believed that moment could have been a turning point, but it was clear to her that there would never be a turning point with Draco. He only cared about himself. The sobbing, scared, weak, afraid boy in the bathroom had sparked a new feeling inside of her that she was seeing the real him but still, he was crying for his own sake. He was spoiled. A child clearly brought up by parents with high expectations and a constant feed of being told to be the best at everything. He was able to cry helplessly for himself but not even shed a tiny ounce of remorse to utter an apology for Poppy.

As she returned to her dorm, she lay in her bed once again and let her tears fall. She permitted herself to reminisce in the moment of holding Draco as he wept, breathing in his scent and caressing his silky hair. It had felt beautiful in the moment but as he always did, Draco had ruined it. After only a couple of moments of letting herself remember that moment between them that had made her heart soar, she pushed it to the back of her mind to never be thought of again. That version of Draco in her thoughts was not real. He did not exist. The real Draco would never change and it was time for her to let herself have one final night of self-pity before waking up the next day and moving on.