Restart |Karlnapity| (On Hiatus)

21. Alone

TW/CW: Panic Attack, Self-harm (via burning), Self-hatred.

"Alex what happened???" Sapnap questioned, hugging him close. "Is he okay?" he heard Dream ask. He felt overwhelmed, George was staring at him too. They were all staring at him. What if they hurt him for crying? He shouldn't be crying, he shouldn't have thrown up. He needs to bottle up his emotions, it's safer.

"Alex-" "P-Please I want some time-time alo-alone-" Quackity stuttered, his body beginning to shake again. He felt under pressure, he wanted to be alone. "Alex, I don't think that's a good idea.. You might hurt-" "Fucking leave me alone!" Quackity suddenly snapped, surprising everyone in the room, including himself.

"A-Alex I didn't-" Quackitys eyes widened in fear as he scooted away from the taller. "I-I'm sorry d-don't- don't hurt-" Quackity felt a tear run down his cheek as Sapnap reached out and touched his shoulder. "d-don't t-touch m-" "Sapnap.. I-.. I think you should leave him alone." George spoke up, nervously looking away when everyone's eyes turned to look at him instead.

Sapnap looked between George and Quackity for a few seconds, sighing and retracting his hand. "You're... You're right. Okay, Alex.. You can have some alone time, we won't bother you.. I'm sorry." Quackity gave a tight smile, standing up quickly and running into the bathroom. He slid down, leaning against the door.

He felt tears run down his cheeks again as he allowed himself to cry. Weak. He thought as he began to sob into his hands. "I don't c-care!" his muffled cry came out, he couldn't control his breathing, he didn't want to try. Sapnaps concerns were valid, as Quackity has hurt himself before, but he wasn't going to do it again... Was he?

He shook his head, he didn't want to but- he felt like he had to- he deserved it. He's a terrible terrible person, he split up a relationship and he's the one being victimized, this isn't how it's supposed to work, he should be the villain right? why don't they hate him? they probably do, they're probably just luring him into a false sense of security so they can execute him for his crime.

Another sob escaped him, the flashback from earlier didn't help either, but the comfort didn't help either. Their comfort made him feel overwhelmed that time, he didn't feel safe at all. All he can think about is bad thoughts right now, it didn't matter anyway. He told them to leave him alone, so they're gonna do that right? they should, if they don't, he wont forgive them.. but wait, that's being selfish.

God, why is he so fucking selfish!? He stood up, almost falling over as soon as he did so. He opened the drawers, scowling when he found no form of knife. He did, however, find a lighter. He let out a shaky breath as he looked around fearfully. If anyone walked in he'd be yelled at for disobeying them, right? That's what always happened in the past.

He shook his head, taking a deep breath as he once more found himself in a sitting position by the door. He pulled up his sleeves, holding the lighter in one hand and holding out the other. He flicked the lighter on, gulping as he slowly inched it toward his hand. He gritted his teeth as a burning sensation quickly arose on the palm of his hand, tears springing to his eyes.

It hurt, but it was working, it was distracting him, he was punishing himself, he deserved this right? He felt more tears run down his face as the burning got worse and worse. The lighter began burning his finger from holding it down for too long, and that's when he decided to stop, dropping it mainly because of how sensitive fingertips are.

He took shallow breaths in and out, taking in what he just did, faint smoke from the fire floating at the top of the bathroom. He could smell the scent of burnt skin, and in the past he'd never even be able to imagine what that smelled like. He thought it'd make him feel better, but it just made him feel worse. Now his hand just hurt, he was still being haunted by his thoughts and now he felt like an attention seeker.

He cried, choking on his sobs too much to get in deep breaths. He felt suffocated, but he didn't want to leave. He wanted to be alone. Being with them would make it worse.. Would it though? He thought of all the times Sapnap has comforted him, being in the mans arms.. Sapnap was surprisingly warm, in any situation. Like a personal heater for when you're cold or sad. He shook his head, blushing slightly.

Maybe... Maybe it wouldn't be worse with him. But at the same time.. He always felt anxious in Dreams presence, no matter what he did. Dream contributed to hurting him, even if he didn't mean to, even if he didn't know about it. He didn't trust Dream, and he didn't think he'd be able to any time soon. It's already been more than 6 months, him and Dreams relationship hasn't exactly gotten any better in that time. 

He sighed, thinking of a way to get the comfort he needs without having to have Dream there... and without coming off as needy. His thoughts got interrupted with a knock. "H-Hello?" He managed to get out, looking up at the door even though he knew he wouldn't see anyone. "Hey, it's me, George. I kinda need to use the bathroom so uh.." Georges talking slowly turned into a mumble as he talked.

"O-Oh- sorry-" Quackity got up, hiding the lighter and brushing himself off, wincing at the pain his hand felt. He opened the door, switching places with George slowly. "Why does it smell like smoke in here??" "I-It doesn't! You're just.. uh.. imagining things." "Okay?" Quackity sighed when George closed the door, beginning to make his way back over to Dream and Sapnap.

"N...Nick?" "Oh! Hi, Alex-" "Nick can we.. Can we talk, alone?" he stared at Sapnap a few seconds, after getting no response, he pouted. "Please..?" "Alright... In your room?" Quackity nodded as Sapnap got up, walking toward him. "C'mon." Sapnap grabbed his arm, pulling him into the dark room.

He felt more comfortable with Sapnap,

This felt a lot less overwhelming.

It'll just be him and Sapnap,

No big deal.