Restart |Karlnapity| (On Hiatus)

43. Hesitance

TW/CW: Suicidal thoughts, Suicidal topics, Self-Hatred, Slight Invalidation of trauma, Sad themes(?), Hallucination mention, Anxiousness, Questioning Gender/Gender Dysphoria(?).

Quackity smiled tightly as he walked through the clearing in the trees, making his way to the cliff. The flowers were still beautiful, that was nice at least. He walked toward the fence, leaning on it and looking down. It would be a pretty far drop.

That's good though, right? I mean.. he wants to die so... It'd ensure he doesn't live.. but....

He frowned, would it hurt? Would it hurt like his arms do right now? No.... Hopefully he'd hit his head on something and die instantly, or.. get stabbed through the heart. Something like that.

But what if he regrets it? He furrowed his eyebrows. No, wait, that's stupid. How would a dead person regret something? Yeah, that's really stupid. Like him, he's stupid.

He shifted to be sitting on the fence, throwing his legs over it carefully. He didn't want to fall, not yet. He wanted to prepare himself first. He looked down, a sense of fear welling up inside of him. Oh wow. That's a really fucking big drop.

He took a deep breath, letting it out shakily. Did he really want to do this?.. It was kind of on an impulse but... the thoughts he had were true. He hasn't been doing anything useful, and he's just been dragging everyone around him down for months.

Okay, he needs to stop stalling. He needs to just.. push himself and let it all go. 

One... 

Two..

Three!

...

But he didn't make any movement.

Why didn't he move? He... He wants to die... And all he has to do is jump, push himself off of the fence... his legs are dangling over the fall, it.. it should be easy.. shouldn't it? Then why didn't he...

Quackity blinked a few times, his breathing speeding up unbeknownst to him. He took a deep breath in, only realizing after he'd let it out that he started crying. "What..." he reached a hand up, wiping a tear from his eye only for more to come out, replacing it.

Why was he crying? He deserved this, he wanted this! So why was he crying? Why did he want to get up and- and leave or something... He came here for a reason, it's not like anyone actually cared anyways- did they?

His eyes drifted to stare at his thighs, and though he wanted to look at his hands, at his arms, he... he couldn't move them. He didn't want to let go of the fence...

He was scared.

He sniffled, shivering lightly as he stared at his thighs. He didn't know if he wanted this anymore. What... What time even was it? It was dark... He wasn't even able to see the bottom of the cliff, and was barely able to see his feet.. Well, to be fair he was wearing black shoes.

Quackity sighed, finally getting one of his hands to let go of the fence. He reached up, wiping tears from his eyes. Did he want this? He still deserved this.. but... Did he... He did, didn't he? Well... Maybe not, but even so he deserved it.

Even though he was sad, and scared, he found a smile making its way to his face. He didn't know why, it just happened. He didn't even know why he was smiling. Maybe he's just insane, I mean, he has been seeing hallucinations constantly.. it wouldn't be too far off.

He probably is insane.

A thought suddenly came to him, what if he wasn't as sneaky as he thought he was? What if Karl and Sapnap were looking for him right now? He didn't want them to find him.. Did he? A small part of him did, but he mostly didn't want them to find him.

So now he was sitting on the fence, staring down the cliff anxiously. Every time he heard a car rush by from the distance he flinched, he didn't want it to be them. He groaned silently, frowning once more. Did he want to or not? His body wouldn't let him but he still kinda wanted to..

Quackity once more found himself clutching at the fence whilst sitting on it, hoping he wouldn't fall while simultaneously wanting to jump. He leaned forward slightly, anxiety building up inside of him as he felt unsteady.

Okay, he needs to distract himself with something. He can't jump or decide if he wants to if he keeps feeling this scared... What to think about though...

His gender? Wait, why was he thinking about that? It doesn't make much sense. What, was he gonna think about how he was born male and doesn't identify with that?

But he does. Why would he think... about...

...

What if he doesn't?? But he's always felt like a male, so he probably is one, right? I mean, sure, there's always been a slight urge to be feminine here and there, but that doesn't make him a girl, does it? It shouldn't. 

He badly wanted to continue thinking about this, a pit of confusion filling up inside of him, but he was interrupted by a familiar voice shouting from behind him.

"ALEX!"

Sorry if this wasn't accurate or anything
Also sorry if the next chapter isn't as good
Hope you enjoyed, though!!
<3