The boy with the blue eyes

6 months

Dear boy who I love, 

It's been 6 months since I last updated and so much has happened between us. I can't believe we're engaged and expecting a baby... We've also began fighting. I'm sorry that we fight.

I've been reading our old things, old texts, messages, pictures... To try and not forget or take for granted what we have.. You are truly the love of my life. I'm so happy with you and I feel like you forget that sometimes... All I want to do is kiss and cuddle with you.. 

I feel like I haven't seen you in so long and I miss you. There's only 73 days until you said you want to move in, I can't help but count the days. I can't wait to wake up every morning to see the love of my life lying next to me. I’ve woken up next to you before but only to have you rush off to go home.

I don’t know if you’ll ever understand how much you mean to me. I know I tell you you’re a bad boyfriend but you know I’m kidding, if you actually think I’m serious, I won’t joke around with you anymore like that.

I miss the old us, we didn’t really care about anything except for each other, maybe not even that sometimes… You’ve really shown you care about me lately and that’s something you don’t usually do. I mean, I really love and I’m so grateful and appreciative that you have a job and are willing to support me and baby…

I’m sorry that we fought the other day, I was really upset. I don’t know… I guess I’m just not all here lately. My depression has been getting really bad, all I want is sex and I know that’s not ok. I want to get high and destroy myself but I can’t because of the baby and once the baby is born, you leave… I don’t want to make you feel bad, it’s just; I can’t mentally take care of a one-month-old baby by myself. I will love him and never do anything to hurt him but I’m scared, terrified, really, that I’m going to hurt myself instead. I don’t want you to come home after 6/8 weeks of being gone and not have a girlfriend anymore. Baby needs a mommy and I feel like I have to be here to take care of everything. I feel like I need to take care of myself, baby, plus you. I feel like I need to do everything I can to keep this family together and that’s a lot of pressure and it freaks me out.

Enough of being depressing, which is what my mind basically is all the time… I can’t wait for the next time you’re allowed to come over; I’m hoping you can come over today. I don’t really know what to say right now, I feel numb.

I love you.