The boy with the blue eyes

Dear boy who I love

Dear boy who I love,  

I wasn't going to write to you until later in the day but I can't help myself. I'm going crazy and need someone to talk to. Boy who I love, when I was young, my dad was mean to me. He used to call me "schizo" or laugh along with friends and family and say I was "Schizophrenic." Boy who I love, my biggest fear is to be diagnosed with schizophrenia.  

Late in the summer of 2013 I was dating a boy who would emotionally abuse me. He made me think I should be locked up. One day he sat me down and told me he thinks I have schizophrenia. I had never cried so hard. That reminder of pain that I thought I carried a while ago came back and it hit me. I had never known what schizophrenia was until I was 13, I remember it was 8th grade and I asked my mom what it meant because people at school started calling me it. 

Boy who I love, I do not have schizophrenia. I have been clinically diagnosed with paranoia. It is very scary and I am supposed to be on medication for it because it causes horrendous night terrors. Waking up every morning trying to fight with yourself if it is actually you being awake or if you're just dreaming again. Sometimes I can't tell right from wrong or what's real and not. 

Boy who I love, I'm not telling you this for attention. I hate attention. I used to cry whenever I got sung 'Happy Birthday' on my birthday because I can't stand being the center of attention. I am telling you this because I want our relationship to be about no holding back, going all out. This is me going all out. I'll probably write to you again and tell you more secrets or tell you stories about my life. I'm so very happy to have met you. I know this is real. 

I'll write soon. 

Love,  

The girl who is afraid to speak her mind