Dying to live

We had it all

I wake up to the smell of a disinfected room which is my hospital room that I have been staying at for the past ten days. Of feels like a hundred days I've been here.

Since I've been here I've been heavily medicated and have barely been awake most of the time. I was sleeping most of the time and only woke up to eat or go to the bathroom.

I am somewhat happy about the accident because I have been knocked out due to medicine giving me no time to think about what has happened.

A nurse approaches me, "There is someone here to visit you?" Curious to see who it may be I allow the visit but as soon as I see the person I became uncomfortable with their presence.

"Hey," Melissa says to me as she come close to me. "The office knows what happens to you so I wanted to check." While I was here I guess I told them I would be missing work because I was in an accident.

"Hi." I greet her.

"How are you feeling?"

"Pretty okay," I reply. Even though I was in a brutal car accident I didn't feel all that bad. I did get a broken wrist, broken ribs and bruises all over. I also had to be resuscitated but all in all don't feel terrible even with a ventilator. "How are you?"

"Good," she says. Then there is an awkward pause in the room.

"You don't have to be here, you can go," I tell her and she rolls her eyes at me and groans.

"Fine I'll go but first," she pauses but I avoid any eye contact with her,"you are very insecure and that stops you from letting people know you. I came here because we are supposed to be friends and friends care about each other. Tom and I were worried. But since you wanna do this solo thing now that's fine." She gives me a speech before leaving me.

~~~~~~

I was finally discharged from the hospital and came back home. I have been staying in bed as the doctor requested but it wasn't like I could move around much. Even though I had painkillers it was not that effective but eventually it subsided.

I think the reason that I didn't consider moving after ending my new formed relationships was because I wanted to believe that I didn't care about them. I also believed they would mind the loss of contact. But I have moved before without a goodbye so I should have just done that now.

I was planning to move to Namibia and just find work as an interior designer. I was not sure was job I wanted to do because I did like being a journalist but other companies don't have the same morals as the one I was working at. I'll have to settle for an office job if all fails.

I have been spending many hours on Netflix and watching way too many episodes and finishing series. It was great to waste time and this time I had an excuse. But I was also planning on moving and have been research exactly where in Namibia I would live. I decided to move to Namibia because I didn't exactly feel like moving across the world and I did like it here in this weather.

Lately I have been having restless nights where I am constantly tossing and turning. It is very frustrating but it may be because my emotions are all over the place. While staying at home all day I have had all the time in the world to cry and be a baby. I cried about everything that I have just lost because I hope I will move on soon.

This is an awful feeling to live in constantly. The feeling I have disappointed everyone and lost the all the good I have had for the fist time in my long years alive.

Now it was night and I was bed staring at the bookshelf in my room. I was trying to go to bed but that didn't end up happening but I am so comfortable that I do not want to move from my position on the bed. I feel like I've been staring at the bookshelf for hours but I'm still awake.

Reluctantly I move and reach for my phone to change the song that was playing. As I do this I notice the time. It's one am. I jump out of bed and check all the clocks in my house to check because I do not want to believe this.

There is no way that I am awake at this time. This has never happened to me in decades. I run to he bathroom and go look at myself. Where my skin is normally pale there is now color in my cheeks. The normal chill in my body is gone and now I feel warm.

Anger creeps its way into me and my emotions begin to suffocate my lungs. I know that something changed after the accident but this is unbelievable. I just know deep inside that I'm no longer immortal. Soon I'll start changing.

That means that I just destroyed all my relationships for nothing.

This has to be some sick joke. Why can I never have anything be easy for me. I honestly feel like I'm cursed to forever be alone. But now that I have had Mel and Tom in my life being alone isn't what I want.

For years I was convinced that every one is the same and they are all terrible. Everyone man just wanted me for a while before they toss me but after Arnold I saw this game and knew how to beat it. I became I never had a man break my heart like Arnold did.

Every friend I had never cared about me. I just had people around me to pass time but that grew tedious because I could no longer pretend to care about them and neither could they.

So I haven't been attached to anyone but I never really found anyone to be attached to. I tried so hard to not like Mel and Tom and failed. I found the only way to live this long lonely life was to be alone but if it's not as long anymore I do not want to be alone.

I reminded myself everyday that these relationships will not work because I was not okay. I want them back but I have been awful to them. It will take a lot to convince them to forgive me but i need to try because now I don't have an excuse to not have them in my life.

I was going to run away but now I want to stay and try fix what I have broken. I hope it's not too late.

After my anger subsided I had an epiphany. I've felt dead for so long but now I have been given a chance to live again. So for the love of everything on earth, I will live from now on.