Dying to live

Chances

My palms are are sweating profusely and my throat is dry just thinking about what I have to to. I have been planning what I would say to Mel when I came to speak to her. Today was the day I was going to apologize. It had been a few weeks since she came to visit me at the hospital but I made her leave.

I am yet to apologize to Tom but it's his turn to ignore me as I make many attempts to reach him. I will eventually get to him but for now I focus on mending things with Mel because she is right down the hall of my office.

It was now almost time for everyone to leave work and I still have not spoken to Mel. I meant to do this at lunch when most people were out of the office but I chickened out. I can't keep delaying this so I'm doing this now.

I knock on her door then when I here "come in," I slowly enter the small area. Even though everyone sort of had an office they were small. The company would soon renovate to make the working space more effective. There are a lot of rouge journalists that only work here for a week and use our facilities before off to pursue their own unsuccessful business.

Mel was in the midst of packing up to go when she noticed that I was standing in front of her."can we talk?" I ask and she nods. We then take a seat on opposite sides of her desk.

"You're right, I am insecure. You were the first genuinely kind person I have met and you have to understand that people aren't like that. Normally they want something. You have other friends and you like to go clubbing with them but I don't do that. Maybe I thought that if I ended the friendship it wouldn't sting when you realized that I don't fit in. This situation between us seems like a teenage drama but I just don't understand why you wanted to be my friend?"

"You are different but that's good. I started talking to you because I felt bad for you, you were a loner after all. But I realized that you are kind and so smart. I looked up to you and I wanted you to be my sister. I also liked the fact that you seemed to like my company among all the other CEOs. "

"But you are amazing, everyone likes you. Not everyone likes me."

"Everyone doesn't matter. You are making excuses."

"I am."

"So what do you want exactly?"

"To go back to hanging out with you? If you don't mind of course, Im sorry."

Surprisingly she answers almost immediately,"I'd like that."

~~~~

The day after speaking with Mel things were a bit weird. When I say her at work we smiled at each other but kept our distance. When lunch came I went to fetch her but she was gone with another worker.

I was persistent and I sent her a message to grab something after work and she agreed. So after work we met up at a frozen yogurt shop to catch up. Luckily the time with her was great and we had a few laughs together.

All Melissa wanted was for me to apologize and even though my reasons were all over the place we discussed some more and she has an understanding of were I was coming from. I didn't tell her about how old I was and I think that secret I'll take with me to my grave.

I don't think I ever can explain what the phase of my life was because I don't understand why it happened in the first place. It must have been some accident in nature but now it is over.

Mel has been helping me to come up with an idea to get Tom's attention so that I can speak to him. I think I may have to just go to his house unannounced and knock on his door until he faces me. However, I his silence is a sign he doesn't want me anymore and showing up may anger him more.This whole ordeal is taking a toll on me.

I have come to the grocery store because my refrigerator is empty. I haven't realized that I have not been taking stock of missing ingredients but now they are all gone and I can't make anything. I'm not the type of person who can eat fast food all the time because I actually enjoy making my food. I do love to go out for lunch but I miss making my own meals. I am a very good at making food and desserts and Mel would completely agree.

I walk around the store with my shopping cart becoming full as I take all the things on my list and also a few extra items I don't really need. I'm still very bummed about tom so I add an Ice cream to the cart so I can wallow in my sorrows later.

The last thing in my list is strawberry yogurt and I luckily find the container on the shelf before me. As I reach for the tub another hand reaches for it as well but I grab it first and turn to look at my competitor. Tom stands before me looking very shocked to see me and I suspect I look the same.

He grabs another strawberry yogurt and turns away from me then walks away. I push my cart and follow him calling his name. I eventually ditch my cart and sprint to stand in front of tom.

He looks very unimpressed at me,"What do you want?" He says looking at me with a bored expression and anger laced in his tone.

"We need to talk so I can explain,"

"Now you want to talk," he tries to walk past but I hold stop him with a strength surprising us both.

"I was sick," I say and he looks confused," my body--i wasn't okay." I was very unprepared for this speech but I had to do this."I knew I wasn't going to be here for long."

"What was it. What was wrong with you?" He asks his anger now almost gone.

"It doesn't matter," I say and his annoyance appears on his face but I take a deep breath to continue." I wasn't trying to meet new people but I stumbled on to you. When we started speak I was convinced that one day you would mess up and prove my theory that everyone sucks. I've been praying that you stay kind. You are perfect and instead I was the one who messed up...and now you've found someone new."

"I haven't."

"Oh." I stop to think of something Else to say to keep him here. "You said you really liked me, why?"

"I don't know, it's just you. You are why I liked you. I think at some point we looked at each other and it just felt right."

"Oh! I'm trying to explain so you can maybe forgive me.Just ask me anything."

"It's messed up what you did. To give someone so much and they leave. Did you even like me?"

I pause thinking about that and hesitant to say the words "I love you."

Author's note:

Song for this chapter is evermore dan Stevens. Kinda explains the chapter, how she feels.