Dying to live

You are the one I want

It's been eight days since I've seen tom to try and explain myself. These eight days have felt like forever because I'm trying to guess what he thinks if me now. In these eight days he hasn't spoken to me.

I've been trying to guess what he may be thinking of me; he may think I'm lying, doing this for attention or trying to manipulate him. After I told him I loved him he looked blankly at me for a while then left quickly so I've been trying to guess what happened.

I have told Mel about our encounter and she has been trying assure me that it will all be okay in the end. She has told me that even if things don't work out with him I will find someone else but I don't want anyone else. Thomas is the one for me.

Now I know eight days is not a terribly long time to wait for someone but when when you tell someone you love them and they don't respond it makes you uneasy. I will accept any answer from him at this point even if it's to tell me to leave him alone because I'm awful. At least then I can know he wants nothing to do with me and will probably never will.

He said nothing which leave a lot of grey area and a lot of space for me to have many assumptions on his disappearing act. I know that I left him guessing for two weeks after we spent an evening together and now I know how terrible it feels to not know.

Mel and Charlie have been going strong though all this time. They have even said I loved you to each other and that makes me think of how great it would be to know that the person you love loves you back.

In this time I have still been going to work and meeting up with Mel often. I even went to the club with her and she has been very understanding of this whole situation. I am yet to meet her other friends but I like how we have been doing things.

I have been busy in the kitchen making Macaroni and cheese, bread, cakes, pies. I have been eating way to much lately and soon it will show so I have to go to the gym. I don't mind because going to the gym will be a great place to let out my frustrations.

I can't sit still because my skin keeps itching with uneasiness as I have to sit here in the mess I've created. I know I deserve every agonizing minute so i have now accepted that this is how it will be. Maybe no answer is an answer and that answer is that he doesn't love me.

~~~

I have just returned from the gym and my heart has now returned to normal after the run. The sweat that I produced while I was busy has now dried and left a sticky feeling all over my body. I plan to go and take a shower so I can finally start my weekend. This week has been so busy from work.

I take my phone out of my bag to check for messages from Mel but instead I find one new message and I know my plans for the evening have changed.

Tom: meet me at the bus stop next to Starbucks in an hour. 16:01

The message was sent thirty minutes ago so I only have half an hour till I can meet him. I still had to get ready because I don't want him to see me like this.

I rush to my bathroom and jump in the shower to clean myself. After I have refreshed myself I head to my closet to pick something to wear. I decide to wear shorts and a camisole crop top. I style my wet hair in a side braid not really giving much attention to it. I was running out of time so I put on a pair of vans and take my bag to leave my penthouse.

So many emotions were swirling in my mind as I thought about this meeting with Tom. I have no idea what will happen when I see him. This is the only communication I've received from him since our run in.

My body is shaking with anticipation as park the car and walk to the bus stop. I don't see tom there instead I see an old black man sit there and he nods at me in greeting. I sit next to him as I wait for tom to show up.

Ten minutes after the approximate meeting time tom has still not arrived and the man that sat next to me has left on his bus. I continue to wait for him while looking at my phone but more importantly I was looking at the minutes as they pass.

I don't know why he's not here yet but I hope he has not stood me up. I start to remember a film I saw of when the a man invited an ex to dinner and then never showed up. Their break up was terrible so I understood to a degree. Now to think that that might be what's happening to me is scary.

Tom and I were never technically an item but when we ended it did feel like a break up. I have stared to consider the fact that I may need to let him go. I never want to do that but I have to accept that we may never talk.

I'll never truly be over him but I think that I need to stop thinking of this situation all the time. I'll still wait for him but I just need to wait for him to be ready to speak to me.

I have decided that I will not move to Namibia. I may not have tom but I do have Mel and I will stay here until she is done with me. I have also began to put myself out there so I can make new friends so I can have more experiences with different people. That is what living is all about.

As my head is being lost in thought as I stare at the message that tom sent me a figure stand a small distance in front of me. When I look up I see tom staring at me and I stand up to move closer to him. He really is here and standing in front of me and I have to stop myself from reaching out to touch him. After blinking a few time I have assured myself it is him.

He doesn't look tense and he looks just as good as the first time I say him,"do you forgive me?" I ask and he nods to my surprise.

"I think we need to start over," he says. He smiles at me and I return him a smile twice as big as his. He then moves beside me and reaches for my hand and we walk together into Starbucks with our hands intertwined.

As we sat down with coffees on the table and our hands still intertwined I knew that my life was no longer in pause. Now everything has fallen in place. In this moment with him, I knew this is what being alive is supposed to feel like.