The day I thought dying is a shortcut [COMPLETED]

Chapter 12

Chapter 12
   
Crymsin's POV
   

    “They we're gone already. They said take care of yourself and thank you for the dinner. The kid that was with you and being clingy with you we're just quiet that time. We told them you we're sleeping and tired so don't worry,” that was the sentence that I immediately heard from Jaze when I woke up.
   
   
   
   
    “Stop right there,” I didn't bother to stop because of how sleepy I feel like. “We said stop,” The guy again yelled but I didn't stop or flinch. I just stopped when I was in the middle of the street side and yawned there. “We said stop why won't you!?” The guy mumbled again making me face them.
   
   
   
   
    In a serious face I mumbled...“You can see me?”...in a straight forward way. I walked away once again but seconds later I began running as they faced each other in a horrified way. I'm sleepy and tired at the same time because of my insomnia. I wanted to sleep. I kept on yawning but after that when I want to sleep and close my eyes I begin to blink rapidly and stay up all night.
   
   
   
   
    I gone pass by a small shop to buy a milk to drink since I need energy and I might passed out anytime because of the lack of sleep.
   
   
   
   
   
    I walked going to our village —since it's not that far— with a milk box on my mouth sipping it. When I finally reached our house I immediately threw away my bag collapsing onto our couch. My mind we're blank and my breathing unsteady. I ended up grasping for air and sleep at the same time. I just let my eyes close and let myself fell onto the abyss again without fighting. My body can't take it anymore.   I'm physically and mentally tired.
   
   
   
   
   
    “I give up,” I whispered totally passing out.
   
   

                                
                           ————————
   
   
   
   
   
    I slowly opened my eyes feeling something piercing my arm and realized it was a needled making me pull it away and had my panick attacks. Every single muscles on my body shook seeing the needle in my arm as I felt arms wrapped around my body. “G-Get it away from here-p-please,” I said tearing up. My body won't stop trembling and I can't help but to have myself curved around the strong arms and mattress. “I-It's scary. T-They a-are scary. G-Get it away, please,” I kept mumbling.
   
   
   
   
    “I'm here, calm down. You'll be fine as long as I'm here. Now I want you to calm down and look at me,” I nodded trying to calm myself down to stare at Jackson. “I'm your kuya, remember? We saw you on the living room barely breathing so we needed to go and get you to the hospital. The doctor said you need sleep and rest. You had shortness of breath along with it. A medicine is added to your prescription,”
   
   
   
   
    I nodded but my hands we're still trembling terribly. “C-Can they not put a needle on me? I hate it,” I said in a terrified tone. Yes that's right, I have an anxiety and needles are their activators.
   
   
   
   
    “You need it for your nutrition, Crymsin. Do you want to eat fruits and vegetables instead?” I nodded as he smiled. “Wait here, I'll go buy you some. Jaze will come back here with food,” He mumbled walking out of the room.
   
   
    I sighed laying on the bed again and closing my eyes. I really need rest, my eyes can't even open in a clear and normal way. But still, I can't seem to find a way to sleep and close my eyes again.
   
   
   
    “Crymsin?” I opened my eyes seeing Jaze with his worried expression staring at me. I glanced at the bag that he was carrying as he put the bag onto the table and pulling the stand of the needle away from me. He put it at the back of the door. “I'll just peel this off. Jackson said he'll buy some porridge for you on the cafeteria since I came back with this,” I smiled nodding. We didn't really talk much so I had myself focusing on the ceiling the whole time.
   
   
   
    “Relax your body including your mind. Stop thinking of anything and close your eyes. Rest for a second,” I nodded at Jaze doing what he said. I relaxed my body but I didn't sleep. “Archson and his nephew we're on our house just an hour ago. After I bought this on the supermarket I decided to go home to tell Mads and Bry about what happened and they came knocking on our door. I told them what happened to you and they didn't seem to want you to know about them visiting because you we're hospitalized,” I just nodded.
   
   
    “I'll sleep now,” I mumbled closing my eyes as I received a hum. It's better to avoid them in this rate I can't get attached to other people or they may hurt them. I can't risk everything just because of my stubbornness. I weren't really sleeping but was just eyes closed.
   
   
   
   
   
    I heard a knock at the door but I didn't open my eyes and let Jaze go check it. “Ah Archson, come in. She's kind of asleep,” I didn't move a finger nor open my eyes and stayed just like that.
   
   
   
   
   
    “Uhm, how is she?” I heard Arch asked.
   
   
    “She's alright, she passed out from lack of sleep. Her insomnia clearly reactivated again so she probably didn't sleep for a week. Her body is pretty weak to overcome those so that happened,” Can't help but to curse in my head.
   
   
   
   
   
    “Is that so, let's go already Xander. You saw her she's alright now and she needs rest,” I clearly froze hearing that Xander was with him. I wanted to open my eyes but I don't want any of this. I never want anyone attached to me.
   
   
   
   
    “I'll wait until she wakes up. You can go ahead and leave me,” Xander softly said standing beside me and staring at me softly.
   
   
   
   
   
    The door boomed open as I heard Jackson's voice. “Hey, wake up. You need to drink your vitamins and I bought some sleeping pills,” I couldn't help but to unconsciously grab his color and put my hands under his neck threatening to kill him with my hands.
   
   
   
    “Shoot! Sorry—” I couldn't help but to pull back my hands as he was clearly lost and confused.
   
   
   
    “What? Did you dream of having a battle with a assassin? You tried to kill me with your hands?” He asked putting the cup of porridge onto the customized table in front of me. “Where did the stand of vitamins go?” My eyes clearly don't want to know and don't want to see it again. “I won't put it on your arms again, I'll just go bring those to the nurses,” I nodded but still my fears are seen.
   
   
   
   
    “Eat this too. You can't it fries, chips nor milk right now. You won't have your taste buds when you eat those. Eat up,” I couldn't help but to feel disappointment.
   
   
   
    “Hey, Jaze?” He hummed as I stared at Xander beside me. “Come here, Xan,” I lift him up just so he could lay down with me. “Learner anything new, Xan?” I asked as he nodded.
   
   
   
   
    “I learned to write my whole name and to count numbers,” I smiled at him proudly.
   
   
   
    “Good. Jaze?” I asked as Jaze turned to me. “I think I traumatized five boys,” He then stared at me with a questioning look. “It's already nine right now right? At night?” He nodded as I ate the porridge slightly.
   
   
   
   
   
    “Along the way cause I walked going home. I was being pestered by five boys commanding me to turn around. I was on my uniform and the second they asked me to turn around I turned around as I asked them 'You could see me?' with a normal look. I saw them turned horrified as they ran away. Those boys, I kind of know them but I just realized just now...they we're supposed to give me the results of our acceleration exams,”
   
   
   
   
   
    “W-Wha-what the heck is wrong with you!” I couldn't help but to feel guilty.
   
   
   
    “I was an air head that time and I wanted to just passed out on the streets because my body can't even take anything anymore cause it was weaker than the usual. I was clearly dragging my body way back home plus I had a hyperventilation after smelling all those dust from the streets. I'm sorry, I kind of glanced back at them seeing the folders...I just realized,” I said sipping the last liquid on my porridge.
   
   
   
   
    “Y-You-our acceleration exams are scored one hundred over one hundred but I remembered I didn't even put a finger onto our test papers,” Jackson mumbled making me all wanting to kick him.
   
   
   
   
    “You said It's okay for me to answer yours too,” I asked them in a serious way. The two was staring at me with horror.
   
   
   
   
    “We can go work now huh?” I nodded as the two stared at each other. “What work would be fine though,” Jackson mumbled making me roll my eyes.
   
   
   
   
   
    “Hack for a cost,” I said with a smile onto my face but they stared at me questioning my intelligence. “Your questioning my intelligence now huh?” I asked as they nodded. “Whatever, apply for some work involving money like banks or some high company you two could use your notorious skills to calculate everyday while I'll just be a millionaire forever,” I giggled.
   
   
   
   
   
    “Yeah, let's not work then,” I smiled in agreement. “No-you two stay at home do nothing I'll work,” I joked onto the apple coughing.
   
   
   
    “Whatever do what you want,” I said reaching out for the remote control and opening the television. I gave Xander a piece of the apple.
   
   
   
   
    [...“Jenkins family assassination. Jenkins family had been seen dead onto their home with a clear sign of being murdered with a sharp objects such as knife and been shot by a gun. There's no sign or evidence seen in the house except for a car burning their garden into ashes. Police officers and crime investigators said it wasn't just to burn the garden that the car was there but to burn the whole house. A footage was seen where a person is standing with a mask and her eyes clearly colored with red and blue. She wasn't see near the place as her supposedly wearing the same leather jacket, leather pants, mask and boots was burn with the car. Many said he was a target because of all the information that he had and others said it was a planned assassination...”]
   
   
   
   
   
    I immediately switched the channel to a cartoon movie. I turned around to reach out for another fruit and give it to Xander. While I wad peeling it's skin Xander suddenly asked “Why is he killed?” as I just became silent. “Death wasn't really deserved by anyone,”
   
   
   
   
   
   
    “But I deserve one,” I whispered giggling making them all turned to me. “Tell me I don't deserve death when I'm clearly tired of everything and was just wondering how to end all of it when everyone kept on saving me without knowing my point of view and on why I wanted it. My existence deserves an end to it,” I said in a quiet tone.
   
   
   
   
   
    “Don't put it to that...we saved you because you deserve to know what happiness means. Stop with this nonsense topic again, Crymsin,”
   
   
   
   
   
    “Do you think I'm happy? If I'm happy and I experienced those...can I end my life then? I already experienced what you wanted me to experience and it's my end,” I said in a serious tone. “Tsk! Tsk! I'm afraid of needles but not afraid to be pierced by bullets nor knife. I can't be normal,” I said sighing.
   
   
   
    “Let's go home, I'm not tired anymore,” I put on my slippers putting Xander down and holding his hands. “I hate the smell here, it makes me remember something,” I said in pure blankness.
   
   
   
   
    “Y-Yeah?” Jaze asked as I nodded. I can't help but to display a blank expression on my face. “If you two don't mind have a dinner with us,” I didn't give my attention to that and just walk side by side with Xan.
   
   
   
   
    “Are you feeling better now, Ate Crymsin?” I smiled nodding at his question. “Let's go on Uncle Archson's car,” I turned to him stopping. “Please?” I couldn't help but to cupped his face and pinched his cheeks. “Ow,”
   
   
   
   
    “Your cheeks are cute, can I have them?” I asked as I kept on doing so for a second. “Just kidding let's go, where did Arch parked your car?”I asked as he gave me his two arms like telling me to carry him so I did. “Where?” I asked as he pointed the directions with me.
   
   
   
    We just sat beside the car waiting when we realized we don't have the key to open it. I clearly saw how worried Xander is by just staring at me. “I told you, don't worry too much,” I said reassuring him again.
   
   
   
   
   
   
    “Why are you talking about death?” I froze. I guess I didn't expect the question coming from him. I didn't expect that he knows what it mean.
   
   
   
   
   
    “You know what death is?” I asked as he nodded turning his head to stare at the entrance of the hospital.
   
   
   
   
   
    “A death is the final stage of life in which you're body will be cold and colder every night to the point of freezing. A warmth won't have it's way to the body. Death will always end with just memories with the person with you. A death is when a person cannot be felt by warmth and a person that cannot be seen anymore. Death is the end,” He stared back at me making me stop. “Now tell me, isn't that death?” I shook my head.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
    “When a person's eyes became empty, when their heart starts being cold towards everything, when their heads don't care a single thing and when a person's warm smile suddenly became a bitter and fake one, that's also death right? A death means two things, death after dying, death after given birth and living. Get it? Dying has so many meaning,” I said patting his head. “You won't experience those, you have everyone and me,” I smiled at him.
   
   
   
   
   
    “Hmm...” I turned to where I heard some footsteps to see Archson, Jackson and Jaze going out of the hospital. I stood up there pointing at his car.
   
   
   
   
   
   
    “You wanna drive 'em?” I stared at Archson with a horrified expression. “Okay, you have a reckless way of driving. I know,” I gave him a glare as he opened his car.
   
   
   
   
   
   
    “How's your work though? Did your building became useful?” I asked as I put Xander on the front seat and buckling his seat belt.
   
   
   
   
   
    “It's pretty useless cause Grandpa called me to say I need to stay on the mansion. Aren't you going with us?” I shook my head.
   
   
   
   
   
    “I'm going with Jack and Jaze, I might make you look like a driver—hey why are you unbuckling your seatbelt?” I said seeing Xander jumping out of his seat grabbing my hand after hearing me decline Archson's offer. “You—are'nt you gonna go home?” I asked as he shook his head slowly.
   
   
   
   
   
   
    “Just go with us and buckle your seatbelt, we'll be having dinner with you. Jackson and Jaze told me,” I nodded as I saw how my brother's car started it's engine and accelerated it's speed suddenly. “Y-Yeah?” I buckled my seat belt while Xander was on my lap putting on his headphones. Did Jackson just purposely left me with them?
   
   
   
   
   
   
    “Ate Crymsin...” I turned to stare at Xander who was burying his face onto my arms. “...I kinda missed you,” I giggled as he buried his face more.
   
   
   
   
   
   
    “Did you find any work?” I turned to Archson and hearing his question, I immediately shook my head. It's just...I hated being tired. 
   
   
   
   
    “I'm too lazy to do works, my mind hates being used and my body can't take any huge and heavy pressure. I'll just end up passing out and everything,” I said in a bored tone. “I can earn money without working and just staying on my computer all day,” I smiled as I noticed Xander sleeping.
   
   
   
   
   
    “He's asleep, we can now talk,” I stared at him confusedly although he can't turn he glanced at me from time to time. “Stop talking about dying in front of people,” I totally looked at him in a horrifying way. I wanted to say he was being all nosy but seems like my mouth can't....no I think my mind just can't bring out something that could offend him.

        I don't want to offend him.

         “You know they don't want you to go and disappear or leave them, you know it yourself,” I lowered my head and sight from him.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
    “What do you expect me to do? Give them higher hope that I won't leave and go or probably die? You know little about me-don't say something like it's the most easy thing to do. It'll be more painful if I enjoy and not warn them about the things that I know will happen soon, giving them hopes means giving them a most possible bigger black hole in their lives created by me being permanently gone and erased,” I said silently staring at Xander. “Including this kid,” I said in a serious tone. “I have limited time left, I can't afford making him attached only to hurt him,”
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
    “But he...is already attached what are you gonna do? Avoid him? You are a warm figure of a mom for him and your gonna do that?” I looked like I had been hit by an ice on how I froze and became pale. “Yeah, your his mom,” I can't help but to cover my mouth. I didn't want to crack up laughing though.
   
   
   
   
   
    “The heck—of all figure, mom? Really!? Mom?!” I asked laughing loudly. Wait...why is his expression unchanging!? Is he serious!?
   
   
   
   
❝To be continued..❞