Diary of a Christian Girl

Day 3: Should I choose you?

Third day of the camp, the girls and I get up at 8:00 am, breakfast is at 9:00 so we get ready in the same order as usual and go out. Breakfast was eggs and bread, people were telling stories about how the orphanage went, the truth is that I didn't pay attention to any of the stories, every time they laughed I laughed, so it seemed that I was listening. When a girl was talking, she told a story that from what I can see was too funny, because just when she told it, Maria was drinking water and when she laughed it came out of her nose and I couldn't help but laugh.

-Ok guys- One of the leaders spoke. -As a reward for doing so well in these two days, today you will have free time!- Everyone celebrated except me.

-Mily, aren't you happy?- Kate asked me

-Yeah obviously it makes me very happy- I said and threw a fake smile. Kate frowned, but didn't make much of it. The leader spoke again.

-Guys, tonight we will make a bonfire outside the place at 7:00 pm, so we will meet here at 6:00 pm to do something before we go. And now ... Everyone have fun!- How can he dare to say the word "FUN".

-Mily, are you coming with us to the pool?- Kate and the girls asked me almost in chorus.

-No girls, I have a headache.- Lie -I'll rather stay in the room and rest.- Lie -

-Are you sure? If you want we can stay with you, you look pale- Kate told me, I hate lying to my friends, but today is not a good day for me.

-Don't worry Kate, it's just a discomfort, I'll be radiant in no time.- Lie

When I got to the room I threw myself on the bed. I didn't find any reason to fight with God, so I just started thinking. Why does God let such bad things happen to such good people that do not deserve it? Why Brigette? What is the reason that I found her? Why now and why not before? Why wasn't I there when that happened? I should have been there accompanying her when she needed me most. And now that he needs me I didn't even dare to give her a hug. I couldn't be with Brigette when at least her legs were good. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to her parents.

When I found out I was crying and fell asleep.

-Mily wake up, it's 2:00 pm, we have to go to lunch. How do you feel?-

-Hi girls, better now, my head doesn't hurt anymore, I decided to take a nap and it really helped.- Lie

We went to lunch. It was a hamburger, if pasta did not exist it would be my favorite dish, it raised my spirits a bit.

After lunch, we went to the room with the girls, Camila brought board games, so we started playing a bit. That "Little Time" we were playing passed so quickly that when we realized it, it was 5:50pm. So we put on our shoes and went to the main room.

-Well guys, we are giving each one a paper sheet, an envelope and a pencil. What we want you to do is write a letter to God. Tell him about your life and what happened here. As soon as you finish, take the letter, put it in the envelope and go straight to the campfire.-

I received the things, I took the pencil and took the opportunity to vent to God.

Dear God.

My name is Emily Gabriela Azevedo, although I think you already know it... or so I've been told. If I'm honest with you, I think you don't listen to my prayers, let's see if you at least read the mail. You know, every day of my life is bad for me, I feel like I'm invisible, and that doesn't feel good at all. Everyone is doing well, things go well for them, they get what they set out to do. I'm doing badly in Mathematics and Physics, I can't do almost anything because of my Asthma and even Simon doesn't listen to me. Dad and Mom are also so stressful, it seems that they only care about the church and being shepherds... OF SHEEP, because they do not know how to shepherd their own children, one is a womanizer, the other has a secret boyfriend and they do not even know that I am indecisive. The only daughter they have raised well is Amelia. I try to be the best, or at least in my group of friends, but I lie every time, I must lie about who I am, I must lie about what I feel and how I feel, I must hide my family because I'm ashamed of it... and... You know what? I thought that with this camp I could decide between you and "the world" but... after Brigette, I don't even know what to think. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS, WHY TO HER? WHY NOT ME? SHE HAD SUCH A PERFECT LIFE, HAD A PERFECT FAMILY, A PERFECT LIFE... SHE BELIEVED IN YOU FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! BUT OF COURSE, YOU DON'T PUNISH ME FOR NOT CHOOSING YOU, BUT HER FOR... BELIEVING IN YOU... IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE! WHY ARE YOU SO UNFAIR?

Pd: Should I choose you?

When I finished, I was alone, everyone was gone, and a rebellious tear was running down my cheek. I wiped my tears away and ran as fast as possible to the campfire.

-1 John 4:16 "And we have come to know and believe that God loves us. God is love. He who abides in love abides in God, and God in him."- The leader said when I arrived, GOD LOVES US? To whom? I don't think He loves us all, if He loved us all, this wouldn't have happened to Brigette.

-Now guys- Said the leader taking me out of my thoughts. -Only you and God know what is in each of your letters. So before I sing a few songs, I want everyone to throw their letters into the campfire... Surrender each of the words you wrote to God and let Him take care of it.-

I rolled my eyes and threw my letter into the fire with great anger. I watched as my letter was fading and I managed to read "Brigette" on the letter before it burned completely and tried not to cry.

After that, Andres took out a guitar and began to sing, I really have no idea what he sang, I just stared at the fire in the campfire all night. 

When we finished, we all went to our rooms.

If only I knew that the tragedy would happen the next day, perhaps I would've enjoyed the camp much more...