Kannada Script Review Shop

87 | Anjali | An Amateur City Girl

Reviewer: scrabblepost 

An Amateur City Girl: buttercup_for_life 

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Title: 4/5

The title is simple and pretty much self-explanatory. It works, but tells something about the main character rather than just giving a hint about the story.

Cover: 5/5

Beautiful graphic fits perfectly with the title. The fonts on the cover are also attention grabbing.

Blurb/Synopsis: 3/5

The beginning of the blurb is really strong. But when it comes to 'she doesn't live in a mansion... to... basically she doesn't have everything she wants' it disconnects with the readers immediately. Ninety percent of the people don't live in mansions and hundred percent don't have what they want. It seems like a regular thing, nothing out of the ordinary and it doesn't show any specific character struggle.

As the blurb continues about the casting of the protagonist, it disconnects even further because that's not how it really works. Nowadays, people have to struggle a lot to get into the industry. If anything the blurb portrays the lead as a privileged young lady and everything is working out for her. However the last question is really solid. I would suggest you start your blurb with that.

Genre: 5/5

It's teen fiction. The genre fits perfectly.

Description: 7/10

I liked that you avoided some unnecessary descriptions and sped up some parts. Like the airport one, good call not describing it too much. But the protagonist spent a significant amount of time at the school so it needs proper descriptions. What was the colour of the classroom?

Character descriptions were good and I have no complaints there.

Dialogues: 6/10

The dialogues seemed realistic and not overtly fake. Good job keeping it real. But there were some punctuation issues.

Don't forget the comma between dialogue and dialogue tags. And don't capitalize dialogue tags.

Ex: "Looking pretty" He said.

Edit: "Looking pretty," he said.

Separate different character thoughts, dialogues and actions to avoid confusion.

Ex: 'You'll know soon" Harry said. I wasn't satisfied.

Edit:

"You'll know soon," Harry said.

I wasn't satisfied.

You have forgotten full stop/period at the end of a lot of dialogues.

Plot 6/10

Although I think the story line you chose has a lot of potential at times the plot seemed unrealistic. Because of how gullible the lead was. She brought home someone she met a minute ago. She allowed an unknown man to drag her out of her own mother's room. Even her mother was ready to throw away her daughter to a man she met just a minute ago. I can't imagine it happening in real life.

Even though the protagonist is from a small village having no knowledge about makeup at the age of sixteen seems unrealistic. Not knowing how to apply products is believable, but she didn't even know what a lipstick was. Most teenagers know a lot about makeup so it seems weird and readers might not relate to the lead.

The school portion confused me because a lot of actors have not completed their education and it moved so fast that I failed to see its relevance to the story.

In chapter ten Fay was rude and had an attitude all of a sudden. But there was no part before it that would explain her arrogance.

In the audition the protagonist didn't do anything, act, dance or sing. She just answered some questions and passed onto the next round. Try to add a scene of her performance instead of just questions.

Grammar & Structure: 15/20

The grammar was good for the most part. There were only a few consistent issues.

The tenses kept slipping from present to past a lot.

Ex: "Fay?" Mom calls from her room.

"I feel faint" Mom whispered.

"Yes Mom?" I ask, hurriedly drying my eyes.

Here 'calls' and 'ask' suggest present tense, whereas 'whispered' is past tense.

Try to limit the use of continuous tenses.

Ex: I was walking through the woods near our cottage when I heard a commotion.

It shows action in progress/incomplete actions. You can change it to perfect tense to show a completed action.

Ex: As I walked through the woods near our cottage, I heard a commotion.

If you want to show character thoughts just use italics instead of brackets. It's the preferred method.

Even though you have written the story from the first person, pov try to limit the use of pronouns in the beginning of the sentence.

Ex: I sat on a seat, Daffy beside me. Sleepiness instantly washed over me. I just realised how tired I was. I could sleep and live here for eternity.

Edit: Sleepiness washed over me as I sat next to Daffy. I could have stayed and slept there for eternity that's how tired I was.

I didn't understand why you capitalized some of the words.

Ex: You are not a city Girl.

We will give you The Grand Tour.

There is no need to capitalise 'Girl' or 'The Grand Tour'. If you want to emphasize those words just use italics.

Vocabulary/Spelling: 6/10

There were a few spelling mistakes. I'm assuming they were typos. But I noticed a lot of adverbs(ly's) outside the dialogues. Try to use actions to show the character's mood.

Ex: I said dryly.

Edit: I forced a smile on my face.

Also some of the words were not used properly.

Ex: She filled me information about most students and teachers.

Edit: She gave me information about most students and teachers.

Don't use the words that tell emotions.

Ex: Happy, sad, excited, cheerful etc.

Flow and pace-8/10

The pace of the story was good and the flow didn't break.

Though at times the story seemed a little slow because of the passive verbs. Try not to use them. (is, are, was, were)

Ex: I was in a state of intense excitement and worry the next morning.

Edit: The next morning brought an intense excitement and worry at the same time.

Overall Enjoyment: 7/10

It's a really good concept, the making of a new star. But I think the execution could have been better.

It was a bit confusing. At first I thought Daffy and Harry were going to kidnap Fay and do some bad things, but that didn't happen. Then I thought, maybe they are creating a new star, but they said they would send the lead back home if she failed the audition. And they were so calm about it. The Crawford character appeared in the middle and he cared about the girl—but why?

Total: 72/100

Final Thoughts:

It's a nice story and you do know how to use emotions. But it still needs a lot of editing.