Kannada Script Review Shop

100 | Anjali | The Mystical Mirror

Reviewer: scrabblepost 

The Mystical Mirror: Grisha2610 

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Title: 4/5

It's pretty telling of what's in the story. But it still works.

Cover: 5/5

The cover is beautiful and relates to the story.

Blurb: 3/5

The blurb is decent. Beginning of the blurb is really good, although the ending could have been better. There was no hook. Instead of the question you can insert an excerpt from the story. It will make it sound more interesting.

Genre: 5/5

Definitely fantasy.

Descriptions: 7/10

There isn't a lot of world building in the first chapter. How big is the house? What's the colour of the lead's backpack? What kind of cat is Coco?

The world building in the fantasy land is good.

Some of the descriptions are beautiful, but more description is needed at times.

You can describe the objects a little bit more.

Ex: Instead of directly jumping to conclusion 'It is a dagger' describe how it looks. The blade, the hilt, the length, the shape etc.

I was wondering how big the wings of the fairy were?

Dialogues: 8/10

There are a few mistakes in the punctuation here and there. Apart from that they were realistic.

Don't capitalise dialogue tags.

Ex: "You could have been nicer to that lady," She says...

Edit: "You could have been nicer to that lady," she says...

Don't put full stop between dialogue and dialogue tags.

Ex: "Caroline please." She says and pushes her curly hair back.

Edit: "Caroline please," she says and pushes her curly hair back.

Plot: 7/10

By the end of the first chapter readers should know the main character struggles. I wasn't sure about Caroline's purpose even after reading eight chapters. It's something you can look into.

You have given out too much information at once in chapter seven. Try to spread it out.

There were a few things that seemed unnecessary. Like why did Caroline describe Brutus? Was that relevant to the story?

I was a little surprised by how easily Caroline killed the troll. Even if it's not a human, stabbing something alive is tough.

Phoebe's character seems a bit unrealistic towards chapter eight. Being aggressive is one thing, but not even the most aggressive person would talk badly in front of a royal who has an entire army.

The conversation at the dinner table didn't seem realistic. Why would an outsider be allowed to speak on the matters of war?

Grammar and structure: 15/20

There were a few inconsistent punctuation mistakes. Misplaced commas and a few capitalisation issues. Nothing major.

Ex: "Passengers, This is your captain..."

Don't use a single hyphen to show interruption. Use double hyphens (--) or em dash(—) instead.

Don't capitalise 'your Mom'. If you are referring to a person by calling them Mom, Dad or Aunt then capitalise relations otherwise there's no need.

Don't use hyphens to list. You can use colons instead.

Ex: The interior is dominated by colours-Red, Green, White and Blue.

Also there's no need to capitalise colour names.

Edit: The interior is dominated by colours: red, green, white and blue.

There were a few tense slips between had and has.

Don't forget to separate different characters' actions and dialogues.

Ex: "Well, her at least." I point to Phoebe who snorts, "Oh! Shut up, Caroline!...

Edit: "Well, her at least." I point at Phoebe.

She snorts. "Oh! Shut up, Caroline!...

Vocabulary and spellings: 7/10

Vocabulary was good. But some of the sentences could have been worded differently.

Ex: I keep my bowl on the foldable table.

Edit: I placed my bowl on a foldable table.

Ex: The light comes closer and closer.

Edit: The light gets closer and closer.

Ex: "... There were slaves."

Edit: "... They were slaves."

Ex: Troll grabs Rachel and kicks her. "Rachel!" I shout at her.

You shout at someone when you are mad at them. I don't think it's the proper word here.

You have used the word 'that' too many times. You can filter it out from a lot of sentences and it won't affect the meaning.

Ex: Mom tells us to wait in front of the gate, so that she can pick up our luggage...

Edit: Mom tells us to wait in front of the gate, so she can pick up our luggage...

You can filter out a lot of 'I tell her', 'I complain', 'I shout', 'I explain'. They seemed very repetitive.

Try not to repeat the same words in a paragraph.

Some synonyms for purple: lavender, lilac, mauve.

Flow and pace: 8/10

The flow of the story was smooth. But it seemed a little slow because of the repetition. Try not to tell the obvious.

Ex: "Ow! Idiot cat!" She complains.

Phoebe just fell so it's obvious that she's angry. Even if you remove 'she complains' readers will know her feelings.

Ex: We take off. Coco, Phoebe, Rachel and I started running like crazy.

Again, both the sentences mean the same thing.

Overall Enjoyment: 7/10

The magical world and the magical elements are interesting, but not knowing the main purpose of the story even after eight chapters is a bit off putting.

Total: 76/100

Final thoughts:

It's a really interesting concept, but needs better execution.