A Heart as Hard as This

Chapter 9

I awoke startled. Beads of sweat swam on my forehead, and dripped down to my back. A nightmare.

For months, I hadn't been able to let go of that night. It was almost as if it was engraved in my mind. Sinking in, bleeding deep into my thoughts like wet black marker on a piece of white paper. Infecting every move I made.

———

"Hey babe," I said, not looking up from the craft at my feet. There wasn't much to do in this house now that I was avoiding dance as much as I could. No one had told me I couldn't, but I was sure that dancing close to 40 hours a week wasn't good for the baby. But I missed my friends, especially Noah. My childhood friends turned into strangers in a matter of minutes.

I'd decided to make a painting a while ago. It was a landscape of the beautiful scenery outside, based off of a picture I took watching the sun set with Noah.

"Hi," Jace replied. But it wasn't his usually cheery self. No smile, no chuckles. He was almost.. solemn.

"Jace? Is something wrong?" I asked.

He was silent for a moment. Piecing together the right thing to say, and scrapping it when it wasn't good enough to express what he was feeling. His expressionless face worried me. His joyless eyes were all that I could focus on.

I got up with a slight difficulty and made my way over to him, reaching out. My hand caught air when he turned away from me, gripping his hand to his chest. Like he was stopping himself from touching me.

The words he was holding inside him burst out.

"I'm moving."

I stood in shock. "Moving?"

"My parents.. they want me to go to University. In another state. I got accepted."

Studying his face, I noticed something. "You want to go."

"It's not that I want to, it's just that... it's been my dream my whole life. But I'm not going." I almost sighed with relief, but he opened his mouth to start talking. "The reason I came here is because my parents gave me an ultimatum. Go to school, or be kicked out."

My body started to shake. Moving in with me would never work. I could barely make enough money to support myself, but Jace and the baby on top of it? If he wasn't going to a big university, he's still have to go to one. So he wouldn't be able to get a job.

I steadied my hand, stumbling through my words as I spoke. "You have to go."

"What? No, I'm not leaving you-"

"You have to," I cut him off. "It's your best chance. It's our best chance."

Before his rebuttal started again, I kissed him, hard. Because I knew it was our last one. And when we pulled away, I whispered, "you're going. You're going to go to school and get an amazing job and teach like you've always wanted to do. You're going to marry some woman who knows what to do in life when you're older than this. You're going to have a real family. You're going to forget about me."

He backed away. "No. No I'm not. I'm staying here and helping you. We're going through this together."

"No," I whispered through tears. "Get out."

"What?" he asked, taken aback.

"Get out, Jace. I don't want you here anymore." A complete lie. My arm trembled as I pointed at the door. He reluctantly made his way out, and I turned my back. When I heard the door slam, I looked behind me. "Goodbye."

———

Putting on my clothes was always a struggle. I had to find things to hide my belly, and always ended up settling for oversized hoodies from bands that I liked. No one had ever asked me about them; I was pretty sure Noah thought it was some sort of phase.

Unfortunately, today was a day that I needed to go to the studio. The day that we needed to do the video for Regionals. I had a huge pointe solo, one that I was wearing a tight dress for. Sucking in my stomach for 3 hours wouldn't be manageable, and if I tried, it would only drain my energy more.

I decided to just wear the dress. I was 7 months and tiny, and if anyone thought that I looked a little bit big, no one would dare to say anything. The people at the studio weren't like that.

I heard a knock and the door and sped downstairs. I'd forgotten that Noah was coming to pick me up.

"Hey," he said when I opened it the door.

"Hi," I replied.

"You.. look really pretty."

I smiled. How was it possible that the nightmare still haunted me when I had Noah? When I loved Noah? Nothing made sense. "Thank you."

———

I was practising my solo on bare feet - Noah had stolen my pointe shoe this morning - and felt a sharp pain in my abdomen.

I told Noah that something was wrong with my hip a week ago. But I'd just been feeding him lies. It wasn't my hip that was hurting. It was my belly. My baby, more specifically.

I feared that something was wrong, but I couldn't go in to check until after the video. If Emily or Michelle found out, I'd never be able to dance. And I needed to dance. No matter what.

Daniel came in soon after and claimed that he heard some sort of noise. It was my ankle cracking, harmless when you're a dancer, but I let him believe it was my hip. Better than him thinking that my wincing was because of the excruciating pain in my tummy.

I played it off as well as I could, getting him to leave soon after. We were going to duct tape my pointe shoe, and I was going to perform.

———

They called cut and I sprinted off of the stage, collapsing when I found a secluded corner in a dark space. The pain was unbearable; it was getting hard to breathe. One breath in, one breath out.

I cried out for Emily or Noah. Even though Noah broke the shank on my pointe shoe. I didn't care.

I was in so much pain that I was going in and out of consciousness, so when Noah scooped my up and carried me out of the door, I laid my head against his shoulder and went limp. It was a struggle to move my body.

Noah still thought that it was my hip. But I had an inkling that it was something much worse, something that would hurt far more than that.

I was in labour.

Author's Note:
Thank you to brylesbear for helping me with this chapter! You did an amazing job!