no control → l.s

twenty.

LOUIS' POV.

-
i wanted to cry. i wanted to cry so hard till i couldn't breathe. i actually was at some point, i was walking home now and it was fucking raining. of course it was.

i was sobbing by now, my vision getting blurry and i could barely see where i was heading. so i stopped for a moment, i took a deep breathe and tried to calm down — but i couldn't.— not that i just saw my boyfriend cheat on me.

the sight of him, on that pricks lap, kills me. it fucking haunts me. i wanted to walk back so bad, i wanted to beat the shit out of both of them and just scream at their faces. but i couldn't, my legs wouldn't move, my whole body was limp. hurt.

i was shaking, not that i was cold, but because i was scared. i was so scared and i didn't even know why. i don't.

he didn't love me, did he? he fucking doesn't. he was there because he didn't want to be alone, he told me how much he hates that. he didn't love me, because you don't destroy people you love.

you wouldn't put yourself in a position of losing someone if you love them. but harry didn't, which is why he was too busy snogging him off, on his lap, on his bed.

i took care of him, i always did. i held him in my arms, i cried for him, i got excited for him, i accepted him , i spent half of my day with him when my family was falling apart. i wrote a fucking song for him, i comforted him and kissed him when he was stressed or tired. i did everything i could for him, and yet he cheated on me with someone who wouldn't do half of this for him.

i was fighting for him, but for what? to be lied to. to be taken for granted, to be disappointed and to be hurt. so i'll fight again, but not him this time, but for letting him go.

it's a fucking choice — cheating.— not a mistake.

-
"louis! you're home early-" lottie said almost too loudly but stopped when she headed over to me.

she slightly gasped, freezing in her place. she didn't move, neither did i. "louis, what happened?" she finally whispered, stepping forward.

it was late, past midnight. mum was asleep, she goes to bed too early. so it was just us now, standing in the middle of the hall, in front of each other.

i didn't respond, i just looked at floor. i was tired, i just stopped crying and my eyes hurt, my head hurts, my whole body hurts. everything hurts.

then i felt her wrap her hands around me, hugging me tightly. that's where i lost it by letting out a silent sob that was muffled by her shoulder. she was quite a bit taller than me, which wasn't fair, but we don't talk about it.

"i'm sorry for whatever happened. i'm so sorry lou, please tell me. i want to help." she said, stroking my back.

i shook my head, crying all over again, " you can't help, it can't be fixed." i whimpered, digging my head in her shoulder and resting it there. i'm so tired.

" it's okay, it's going to be okay. come on, let's go to ur room, alright? get some rest and we'll talk about it tomorrow." she told me as she pulled off slowly, planting a kiss on my forehead.

forehead. Harrys forehead. i love kissing him there -- or loved, since I won't be doing that anymore--, Or just any part of his body. He's beautiful, and very pretty. He's a bit taller, few inches I may say, but still a little baby, especially when it came to cuddling. And don't even get me started on his dimples, his stupid, cute, dimples. The way they fucking appear when he tries to not laugh at my jokes -- he calls them lame, but secretly finds them funny.-- And his skin, his soft skin, I loved brushing my fingers against it, I loved telling him and showing him how much I love him. I've never told him tho, I never did tell him that I loved him. I was scared to, I was afraid of him doubting it and not believing me. I was afraid of him saying, "we've been dating for like a week, lou", so I didn't. I know it has been a week, but my feelings for him didn't just start from then. I've always that little crush on him, but for gods sake it hasn't even been an hour and I already miss every single part of him, even though i know I shouldn't.

i shook the thoughts off my head and walked to my room - that was upstairs-, lottie had her hands around my neck and pulled me closer to her body. i was too tired and had my head on her shoulder.

we finally both headed inside, me immediately laying down on my bed. hugging my pillow. "talk to me tomorrow, okay?" she asked, leaving a kiss on my head. i nodded and closed my eyes, hearing her close the door — for once in her life—

what i was thankful for though is that we didn't have school tomorrow. i don't get to see his face. i don't think i could ever look at it again—his stupid beautiful face—without feeling betrayed. without seeing him kiss someone else , someone that isn't me.

and with that i finally went to sleep.

-
i woke up by the knock on my door. for fucks sake. i quietly groaned, "come in" is all i said, not being sure if it was even audible. i saw the door slightly open, lottie walking inside with a sad smile on her face and a cup of water in her hand. "morning sunshine," she said as she headed over to me, placing the cup on my nightstand. i mumbled a 'morning' and looked over at the clock on my wall, it was ten in the morning. i tossed over , looking at the ceiling.

she sat on the edge of my bed. i could feel her gaze on me, but i didn't return it.
"please tell me what happened.." she whispered, putting her hand on my arm. my lips twitched, i know i wouldn't be able to explain it without crying. but she's lottie, after all. my best friend.

i turned my head and looked at her, my eyes starting to water, but i immediately closed them. not wanting to look weak — even though i am.— she didn't say anything, just waited for an explanation.

"he cheated on me." is all i said before i broke down again. i reached my hand over to my face and covered it, letting out another sob, which was muffled this time. i heard her gasp,— yes, she knew about me and harry— and removed her hand that was resting on my arm.

"what- how!? what the fuck!" she slightly raised her voice, which was cracking. i loved how caring she was, how she was always there for me when my own mother wasn't. i don't know how to tell her, how to explain. what do i even say? yeah lottie, i saw my boyfriend grinding on that asshole, on his bed. so i kept quite, still not removing my hands from my face
—which i bet is swollen up by now, i've been crying all night for gods sake.—

"tell me, louis." she asked again, her voice being still and low. honestly, fuck this. i eventually removed my hand, and looked at her. she didn't break the contact either, just waited for me to speak up, so i did.

"you know how harry forgot his bag at mine," i started, receiving a nod from her immediately, " well, i walked over to his house yesterday to give it back to him.." i continued, not wanting to go on anymore. she put her hand on my arm again, reassuring me.

"his mum opened the door and told harry that i was there, who was upstairs. she was all dressed up and there was a man there, with her. i eventually got upstairs and opened his door," my voice was shaky by now and i couldn't say a word without the pictures popping up in my head again. lottie, on the other hand, stayed quite and just sat there, listening to me.

"fuck." she breathed, reaching over to cover her mouth. that's all i said — well, all i could say— she didn't say anything else, just got up from the bed and walked outside, leaving the door open behind her. fucks sake.

well, i was too exhausted to get up and close it, so instead of doing that, i drifted back to sleep once again.