no control → l.s

nine.

feb.1.2001.
redditch , worcestershire
-

i ran down the stairs , being eager than ever. it was my birthday. and i was dying to know what my parents bought me this year. according to the fun and interesting gifts that i've gotten in previous years, i knew this one would be different. because i'm a big boy now, i'm seven. I'm even wearing a shirt with the number on it.

"mum!" I ran around the house, desperately trying to find her. my loud steps filling up the rooms as I was jogging past them. But still not finding her presence anywhere. So I decided to go to her room, even tho I wasn't allowed in without knocking, but it's my birthday so everything I do is enabled today.

I opened the door and froze at the sight of her sitting on her bed, tears streaming down her face, uncontrollably. She looked up at me and slightly gasped, me frowning along with it. I walked over to her bed slowly and saw her breath hitch. I've never seen her cry, not like this at least, she was out of breath and was about to faint. My hands started shaking, not knowing how to help or what to do, so I just sat in front of her on the bed and watched her for a moment. She didn't look at me.

"hi mum.." I finally spoke up, reaching out for her hands and patting them. I didn't want to know what's wrong, because I knew that her telling me will make her feel worse. but a side of me offered the exact opposite, I wanted to help, but not knowing how, that is.
I didn't get any response from her, she just nodded and looked down at our
hands, and held mine in hers, tightly.

I turned my head and looked around the room, leaning back to peek over her bathroom and looked inside, since the door was slightly open. But saw no sight of my dad, whatsoever. I frowned and looked at her again, "where's dad? He always makes you feel better and-" but I was cut off by her letting out a loud sob from my words, which caused me to flinch. I wanted to cry with her, I wanted to cry because I was so eager to know what's wrong.

Then I saw her shake her head, and trying to speak, so I reached out my other hand and clutched her hand in mine, trying to comfort her. "It's okay mum, take your time." I said as I nodded, receiving one from her as well. Then she let it out,
"he's gone- your dad is gone." she sobbed between the words, which caused me to let go of her hand slowly, trying to process what the heck she just said- is heck a curse word? I'm grown up now so I'm allowed to curse right? I'm seven.

"Oh-" I said, looking at her and felt my chest tighten. I've never felt like this before, I was always that happy kid with the 'perfect' family and parents. Or should I say mum now? He's gone. Could I be right tho? 'Gone' as in like, dead? Or just gone for work? He never goes away for work without telling me tho. especially when it's my birthday, he always cancels his works on that day.

" I'm so sorry baby- I'll protect you and stay with you no matter what-" I threw my arms around her, cutting her off. I didn't want to hear her apologizes and didn't even want to know how he died, I wanted to comfort her for now.
" it's alright mum, I'll protect you too. I'm a big boy now, I'm seven. I will watch the house and will work when I grow up, okay?" I said slowly as I patted her back, recieving a quiet chuckle from her which caused me to smile and pull off from the hug.

" of course baby, you're a big boy now." she held my face in her hands as she told me. I, once again, tried to comfort her and smiled, reaching out to wipe her tears. " do you wanna rest now mum? Dad would be happy if you do." I assured her, earning a half-nod from her-

" but it's your birthd-"

" it doesn't matter, mum. Big boys don't need birthdays anyway. It's for children." I cut her off with the words coming out of my mouth, even tho they hurt. And I have to admit I didn't mean most of them. i loved birthdays, they're fun and exciting, But this year they're not.
I saw her giving me a sympathy-smile and nodded, leaning back and laid down on the bed slowly.