i didnt mean to love you...

.8.

mega trigger warning: mentions of bl*des, self h*rm, unconsented dr*g use, f slur, ab*se and r*pe.

harry's p.o.v

'what, i may be gay but i've not lost it' louis said after having basically a sass off with this random bitch, leaving me in utter shock. 'y-you're gay?' i asked without really thinking. he had his hand over his mouth and i saw tears pricking at his eyelashes. the next thing i know he ran. probably back home. i wanted to run after him but i needed to know if any of them knew.

'does anyone have any clue what just happened' they all muttered a no. 'right thanks for the help' i said sarcastically before running after louis. he was a good runner so he's probably at home already. when i got home the front door was slightly open. and walked in slowly. 'lou?' i called out in almost a whisper. no reply. 'louis.' i said louder. no reply. i walked up the stairs and heard cries coming from our bathroom.

louis' p.o.v

i didnt cut. im proud. i wanted to. lord i wanted to so fucking badly. but i didn't. i sat there. looking at the blade. thinking about how silly it is. all i did was accidently come out.

fuck its hurts. thinking about how it happened. and with what troy used to say to me.

'fag'

'puff'

'waste of fucking space'

'useless'

'i hate you'

'kill yourself'

i used to believe him. i used to think that the shit he said was real. he would call me so much stuff before i even knew i was gay. hell, i found out myself just a few weeks ago.

i dont mean to cry. i never normally let his words get to me. but this time was different. my sobs were so fucking loud. i feel pathetic. worthless. i consider actually doing something to hurt myself. change something in my mind. but i still dont.

i hear the front door open and slam shut before footsteps are quickly coming towards the sound of my sobs. i already know who it is.  its harry. of course its harry. he shouts through the door. probably expecting an answer. i know he knows im in here. im so happy he actually came though. sometimes it seems that harry is the only one who care but i know that isnt true. at least i hope so.

harry's p.o.v

'louis? honey, its ok. you know i dont care. please dont cry.' i said leaning against the door. i'm tempted to open it but part of me doesnt want to see what could be behind it. 'im sorry' louis said so quietly it was almost inaudible. 'no. no dont be. you have nothing to be sorry about louis. hello. youre talking to a gay man. express yourself and dont give a fuck what others think, especially if those others are your best friends.' i replied calmly yet sternly. i heard the door unlock and i opened it slowly.

he's sat there. tears racing down his flushed cheeks, strangles sobs leave his throat. he holds a blade between his fingers. once i see it i stop breathing, searching his body for any signs of blood or pain. there's none. i sigh and sit next to him. 'are you okay?' i whisper, hoping to get some sort of an answer. he nods slowly and turns to look at me. 'thank you. you know for finding me before i actually did something.' he says just as quiet as myself. i take the blade from his grip and place it on the counter top. 'lets go lay down yeah.'

'this is an intense story and im just gonna tell you now that if you dont want me to tell you right now then i wont but i definitely want to tell you at some point. i also really dont like all attention on me when one of the closest people in my life is down' i said quickly before i started the story. 'i wanna hear it haz' he replied nodding. 'ok' i said, taking a deep breath to prepare myself for what im about to tell him.

'when i was 14 i went to a party with my friends. i thought it would be fun. we were just there to have a laugh. i admit i was having fun. we were dinking, blasting music. just doing what any teen would do at a party y'know.' my voice was shaky so louis grabbed my hand in his and rubbed circles on the back with his thumb. 'it was all fun and games until some people got a little too drunk.' i paused and bit my lip to stop myself crying.

'their names were Ed, Ashton, Justin and Calum. they were the populars. i was actually pretty good friends with ed. the others, not so much. they bullied me for being gay and that-' i cut myself off and louis squeezed my hand 3 times, i did so back. 'you can stop you know, im not forcing you to continue.' louis whispered. 'i feel like you deserve to know' i said before clearing my throat and continuing. 'thats when i first cut. august 4th 2008. they effected me so fucking much that i felt i didnt have a place on this earth. i even tried to kill myself. but thats not what this story is about.' i felt a tear slip down my face and i just accepted the fact i was crying. 'ashton spiked my drink with something. i dont know what it was or how he did it. but he did. i was very high. not to mention drunk. then he took me to a cold, dark room. he left me there for a good 20 minutes. locked up. in a tiny room so cold i got hypothermia. when he came back he was with calum, justin, and ed. ed was the first to say something. he called me a faggot and slammed my head against the wooden pole that was in the middle of them room. i was bleeding pretty bad and i have a scar, which is 1 reason why i grow my hair. anyway. i was sat on the floor, against the wooden pole, bleeding. ashton whispered something to justin but i couldnt hear it. next thing i know im being stripped by calum and ed and tied to the pole with metal chains that were so tight it broke my wrist.' i looked over at louis who was now crying his eyes out along with me. i looked up at the ceiling to continue. 'im not gonna go into detail here but they saw my scars and they were so mean. calling me all types of slurs, calling me pathetic. then, they did the worst think i could ever think of. t-they raped me. all 4 of them. ed was one of my best fucking friends and he raped me. so i cut. i cut so deep i had to go to hospital and my parents literally planned my fucking funeral. i cut so deep i was numb to the feeling. i was so bad until i found singing. it didnt stop me but it definitely took my mind of shit y'know. gemma was the one to sign me up to x-factor. at the time i hated her for it. i knew ashton, calum, justin and ed were going to see it. so i hated her so much for signing me up for it. i hated my body. i hated my voice. i just hated myself and she signed me up knowing all those things. but y'know now im so fucking glad she did that. i have you now and i dont want anyone better. i have the boys. i have people who actually love me. dont get me wrong im not perfect. and im no where near where i wanna be with myself. but. ive been clean for 8 months. 8 fucking months. to say im proud of myself is an understatement. my mum is so happy. gemma is so happy. im happy. and i think thats what matters. and you're the first person i have ever told that is not in my family. actually i dont even think my grandma knows. so. thank you louis. you saved me. who knew pissing on someone would save my life'

we let out a light chuckle at my last sentence but we were both still sobbing. 'im sorry harry im so sorry that happened to you. you dont and didnt deserve that shit ever. and make me your fourth person that is so unbelievable fucking proud of you.' louis said after a couple of seconds. 'can i see them, y-your scars?' he asked unsure if he was able to. 'sure' i replied just as quite before pulling down my jeans, lifting up my sleeves and my jumper and showing him my biggest secret. he frowned slightly and kissed the ones on my stomach, hovering over them for a second. 'how did i never notice these?' he asked while i was fixing my clothes and laying back down. 'concealer.' i replied quietly. he hummed sadly before grabbing my hand again. making me smile lightly.

we stayed silent until we head the front door open and footsteps coming up the stairs quickly. louis let go of my hand and sat up. my hand felt cold and empty but i sat up aswell. suddenly the door swung open and niall, zayn and liam were all stood there with worried looks on their faces. they stared in silence until liam broke it. 'what the fuck happened. are you ok' i sighed and nodded. 'we'll tell you later. im tired so lemme sleep. but i promise i'll tell you tommorow is the latest' i stood up and placed my pinky finger out in front of niall first, he linked it. i did the same with liam and zayn and went into my room to fall asleep. what a day.