i didnt mean to love you...

.11.

3rd person P.O.V

today was the day. the day the boys put smart suits on. the day they finally said goodbye. the day of felicite grace tomlinsons funeral. march 20th 2019. the boys looked so smart, yet so broken. they were all wearing smart suits except louis. he wore black skinny jeans with an untucked white shirt and blue blazer.

liam, zayn and niall walked ahead whilst harry stayed back holding louis' hand. there was very little paparazzi as security didnt allow them. it was a funeral after all. they entered the crematoria (a/n google it if u dk). to go to a crematoria was lottie's choice. she was closest with fizzy. there wasnt seats. they were all stood. that was louis' choice. he felt it was offensive to sit at your baby sisters funeral.

daisy and pheobe didnt want a say in it. mark was saying prayers. and ernest and doris were too young to understand.

Harry's P.O.V

me and louis walked into the crematoria hand in hand, liam, zayn and niall ahead. louis suddenly stopped walked and he gripped my hand harder. i could see his chest begin to rise quicker and pulled him into a gentle embrace. he whisper counted to 10 and wrapped his dainty arms around my torso. 'i love you okay, im always here.' i whisper before pulling away.

he looks at me with vulnerability written all over his face but nods anyway. 'cmon sweets lets go in.' i hold my hand out again and he takes it almost immediately. we begin walking in and im the first one to see the coffin. its gorgeous. it has all of fizzy's favourite flowers and some random picture from her past on the bottom half, with the top open to see her resting face. i begin to well up and im guessing lou is already crying.

i look down at him and see him already looking at me. 'i love you too. thank you' he whispers before turning to face the coffin again and leaning his head on my upper arm, too short to reach my shoulder. mark finishes his prayers and everyone walks up to the coffin except me and louis. we wait til last.

soon everyone finished their goodbye and we go up. louis crouches next to the coffin. 'take good care of mumma darling. i love you so much and im sorry im a knobhead and didnt come to see you more. sleep well my angel.' he says with a shaky voice. louis stands fully and aggressively wipes his eyes. i pretend not to notice it as i place a gentle kiss on her forehead, 'sleep well darling.' i say quietly before turning to louis again who's, again, already staring at me.

he looks away and lifts his hand up to wipe his already red eyes again. i grab his wrist and pull a tissue out of my pocket. 'be careful love, your eyes are sore.' i mutter. he looks into my eyes before taking the tissue and dabbing it on his cheeks and eyes. its strange to see louis so small and emotionless.

he looks into my eyes again and i cant help but stare back. its so quiet. probably because everyone has already gone except the vicor and the people who help bury her, but they're nowhere to be seen. his eyes flicker down to my lips as he slowly starts leaning in, me doing the same. we were inches away from each other before i heard someone clearing their throat causing me to jump back.

'fucking hell liam.' i say. 'um. sorry to... interrupt? um. but we have to go now.' he says quickly before turning and walking off. i nod and walk after him, louis following.

we dont talk about out almost kiss for the rest of the night. and liam promises not to tell the others. im sat in my room watching tv when i hear footsteps and quiet sobs outside my door. i recognise the cries anywhere and jump to my feet. louis is outside my door with a tear stained face and messy hair. 'louis, love? what happened?' i say with a voice full of concern.

he just shakes his head quickly and says no over and over again. he falls to the floor and tugs at his hair. i sit on the floor in front of him and hold his arms to his chest. he hasnt had a panic attack as bad as this since jay died. it must be something to do with fizzy. no matter how much he is shaking and sobbing he still manages to crawl into my arms. i hold him until he stops shaking before carrying him into my bed. i lay him on his old side but he rolls over to my side.

i lay down with him and gently tap his waist to see if its ok to cuddle. he just nods lightly. i pull him onto my chest and wrap my arms around his body, his head in the crook of my neck. i get a sudden smell of his hair and close my eyes in adoration. the smell of his hair mixed with the cuddles ive missed from a boy who deserves better. things like losing your mother and sister i the space of 5 years shouldnt happen to people like louis. it should happen to people like ed and justin and mike and ashton. not louis.

louis says he trusts me with his life. which he shouldnt. i shouldnt have the role of being trusted with something so delicate a feather could crack it. i shouldnt be trusted with that. because ill end up breaking him. ill end up hurting him not knowing how and when. ill tell him i love him and he will be in millions of pieces on the floor. but i love him. i love him so much but i cant admit it. not even truly to myself. and it hurts. it burns and it aches. not being able to tell him i love him. why can't i fucking tell him i love him.