Poetic Sensibility

17- Storms And Burdens

Rishi was seated at a table in a cafe that was just round the corner from the office building where Kiara had an interview. She had agreed to meet him immediately after the interview at the cafe. He saw her by the entrance and she approached him as soon as she had spotted him. The waiter chose that very second to take their order. After placing their orders Rishi asked her about the interview.

"I suppose it was better than the last one," Kiara explained. However, she looked anything but over the moon.

Rishi waited. He knew there was a 'but' coming up. He wondered whether she had remembered all that he had told her when they were preparing for the interview back at her home. Rishi smiled. While he could sense her uneasiness, she continued to remain a mystery to him. What was she thinking? What was she uneasy about? Telling him about the interview or simply his presence? Somehow, the idea of her thinking and being aware of him made him feel super smug.

"But..." she hesitated. "I don't know whether I will be called back or not."

"No one does," Rishi replied easily.

"No," Kiara replied, startling him. This was the most animated he had seen her. She bit back a groan and said, "You know how some people are amazingly confident after an interview... like they just know they will definitely receive a call back. Well, I have never felt that. What does that say about me?" She was despairing. Quite literally. He could see the anguish written all over her face. It was as if this interview routine was a battleground for her and she was suffering PTSD.

"That you are as human as I am?"

Kiara let out a sigh as if to indicate that she knew it was pointless arguing with him. Rishi grinned. Then he noticed her hands. She was pulling at the edge of her cell phone cover. She was fidgety; nervous even. Was he making her nervous? He was tempted to ask her that but he was afraid she would shut him out. It had happened before and there was no reason it shouldn't happen again. Instead, he asked her whether something was bothering her.

"Umm... yeah," Kiara replied. She then hesitated, as if not knowing how to proceed. Was she worried she might say something to offend him or was what she wanted to say just really embarrassing? He wanted to put her out of her misery by assuring her that he wouldn't think any less of her but he guessed that saying something like that was a total no-no.

Waiting it out was the right thing to do. Kiara finally pulled out that notebook of hers which was off-limits from her bag. She then looked at him and tentatively said, "So, I had thought about continuing the poem. The Custodian of Secrets. And I'm stuck."

"Stuck?" Rishi asked, still eyeing that notebook with wariness and adoration in equal measure. He was fixating on a notebook. He needed a stiff drink.

"Call it poet's block," Kiara replied with a huff. He had never seen Kiara so worked up. And God help him but he loved it. Her eyes blazed. Their colour transformed into this stormy grey-green and he wondered how many people had seen this side of her. "But I am stuck on this line." She proceeded to open her notebook to the page where she had written the poem.

Rishi read the line. He knew it was wrong but he really wanted to see the other stuff she had written in this book. He noted the tiny doodles in the margins. There was a haiku written as well but in a language he couldn't understand. It looked like Urdu. Yep, he was pretty sure it was Urdu. He was mightily impressed. There was this pair of wings that kept cropping up everywhere. They were probably the wings of the Custodian. He wondered if he could ask her about the other poems and sketches in the book. He decided that if he wouldn't ask, he may never have the chance.

"Perhaps I could read your other stuff to know what your style is really like and then help you with how to proceed?" he asked her.

He immediately regretted this impulsive decision. He saw the shutters in her eyes come down. She didn't exactly snatch the notebook back but she shook her head slightly. The animated, agitated Kiara was gone. She looked at him as if he was just another stranger and he hated it. The coffee arrived and Rishi decided to move the conversation to a more neutral territory.

"Okay," he began. "Tell me, what is this poem, exactly? I mean is it going to be just a free-writing thing? Or is it like an elegy or a ballad or something else?" He was finding it extremely difficult to be this patient but he knew it was this or probing further and as a result, having her shut him out completely.

Kiara continued eyeing him warily and said, "I don't know. I mean, the only thing I know for sure is that the speaker's love is going to remain unrequited."

"Why?" asked Rishi. Sometimes he just couldn't help himself. He was sorely tempted to inflict some self-harm on himself for going third degree on her.

Much to his surprise, Kiara snorted. "Love? With a supernatural being? It's practically impossible for humans to love one another unconditionally; forget the ones that are not human."

He had never pegged her down as a cynic. Or was it a result of too many novels? Somehow, he had always pictured Kiara as a Jane Austen fan. The one where the protagonist ultimately comes around and declares his undying love for the lady. Or maybe she was a Jane Austen fan but she had toughened herself up for "the real world".

"But maybe that's why it should last. Your speaker doesn't love a human. Maybe the Custodian can reciprocate it and give her exactly what she wants... what no human can," Rishi argued.

Kiara thought about it for a moment and then shook her head. "I don't see it happening. I acknowledge that it might... That maybe what you say is true. But in my head, the way I pictured the poem, it doesn't happen. The burden the Custodian must carry is far too heavy. It numbs every other feeling. He doesn't feel anything for her."

Rishi silently observed her as she spoke. He was very, very pleased with the kind of person that she was. Yes, she was painfully shy and it was very, very difficult to get something out of her, but the effort Rishi put in seemed worth it. He was just very pleased with the fact that she didn't dismiss his idea instantly. She gave it serious thought. Only when she couldn't reconcile the idea with her beliefs, she decided to dismiss it. And she was honest about it. But with all of this came the curiosity about what made her dismiss it. She said the Custodian carried too heavy a burden. What burden was she carrying? And why was it stopping her from opening up to him? Rishi knew it was a difficult path but that didn't deter him. He wanted to face those obstacles, he realized. He didn't want to turn back.