Poetic Sensibility

14- Voluntary Appreciation

        Kiara quickly put her notebook in her bag and was about to bid adieu to Sarah when she came face to face with Samay. She tried to give him a pleasant smile but she had a feeling she had failed miserably. This guy just unnerved her. She was always wary when he was around. He was always so... cold. He had never said anything particularly rude to her but she always saw that determined look in his eyes and decided that she was better off if she avoided him. He, however, seemed to have other ideas.

"In a hurry?" he asked. He appeared as uncomfortable as her about talking to her. Their interaction was limited to the questions they asked one another while reading their work in the sessions.

Kiara was taken aback by this inquiry. Her head jerked back a little as she replied, "Well, no. Not really." Now that she had said that, there was no point in leaving. She took a seat and was attacked by dread and anticipation in equal measure.

Samay sat down as well and said, "So... the whole cloud analogy. It was interesting."

        For the very first time in her life, Kiara felt as if someone was feeling as awkward and ill at ease as her. This... appreciation... was difficult for him to do. She felt the urgent need to put him at ease. She could not stop blinking at him blankly. Then, realizing that her manners needed to be called back from a holiday, she mumbled a "thanks".

This seemed to only disconcert him further because he then asked, "I'm sorry, have I said something rude to you before?"

Now, Kiara was definitely frightened. She tried to stop herself from shaking as she said, "No, no. It's just... odd." She mentally thanked her stars that her voice wasn't shaky.

Samay smiled ruefully and said, "Well you look as if, for the lack of a better phrase; as if someone has asked for your head on a plate."

"Standard state of mind," Kiara replied without realizing she had spoken those words out loud. Now would be a really good time to implode, she told herself.

Samay, however, grinned. That grin somehow made his visage appear... warmer. "Duly noted," he replied. "I'm a vegetarian, by the way. Heads on a plate aren't my thing."

        Kiara couldn't stop herself from smiling. Even Kabir nodded, as if assuring her that Samay wasn't going to eat her alive. This helped her slightly. She knew a little bit about Kabir because Sarah often talked of him. She had called him, "The Champion of The Destitute." Well, she felt destitute all the time. Robbed of any confidence or inclination to... mingle. She was still furious at herself for her words though.

"So what brought you to those two conclusions about the cloud?" Samay's question brought her back to planet earth from the depths of her internal agony. Wow, "internal agony", she wondered. She must stop watching all those T.V. soaps which her mother was addicted to.

She was relieved that Sarah had joined them now, with a tray laden with coffee and biscuits. Nursing a hot cup, she simply shrugged and said, "I'm not sure. A number of reasons."

        Samay just waited in silence. She knew he knew that staying quiet would prompt her to actually think about the question and come up with a satisfactory answer. His demanding attitude infuriated her. She owed him nothing and yet she was too petrified to confront him like that. This was like being in an interview. Where was Rishi when she needed him? This thought knocked her sideways. Had she really become so dependent on him? She chose not to examine that too closely. As the silence stretched, she gave a sigh and answered him.

"I believe that things that we humans want the most happen to be the ones that are most elusive. Keats, for example, wanted to be a popular poet more than anything but he wasn't at the time. In his poem he wanted to live long enough to put down every thought in the verse form and he died at the age of 26. He really, really wanted to experience love... and that love was just like a cloud. Or the Loch Ness monster. Pick your favorite." She could not believe she had just said that. Diffuse the tension with humour, Rishi had told her back when he was helping her with the interviews. Humor always works. And it appears he was right. Samay chuckled softly.

"I disagree," Kabir declared. "I mean, sure, somewhere you are right but... say a poor man was suddenly flooded with opportunities to make money. One can be sure that he would never take it for granted."

"Then I suppose the elusiveness applies only to things that aren't materialistic," Sarah quipped.

        Kiara was enjoying this discussion. It drew her away from constantly thinking about what everyone would think of her. She was still afraid to voice her opinion and then be ridiculed for it... but she could do listening. Listening and learning was something she was good at. She had an entire notebook to prove that.

"I wonder if there was a place where all things that elude us went. You know, sort of like how the Custodian of Secrets had all the world's secrets come to him," Kabir replied.

This immediately made Kiara think of Rishi. Where was he, anyway? She wondered what he would have added to this discussion. Then she remembered that the Secrets Keeper was something that she hadn't seen to it's end. And Rishi had known that. Maybe she will continue the poem tonight, if the muses are kind enough.

"Oh yeah, and when we get there," Samay replied dryly, "We will find that a whole bunch of other things are being elusive and the ones before us are no longer the ones we want."

"Oh! There is the cynic I adore!" Sarah cheekily announced. "And by the way, that can't happen. You'll just be stuck in an infinite loop."

"Au contraire, Ms. Adore," Samay replied, "Being in an infinite loop doesn't mean it can't happen. Plenty of things happening right now are stuck in such a cycle."

"As a person trying to get the attention of the Government regarding the NGO's NOC, I will second that opinion," Kabir replied with a grimace. He then proceeded to say something but Sarah interrupted him.

"No, do NOT ask me to volunteer. It's not my thing," Sarah replied. "Such sights disturb me."

"And I am trying to change them!" Kabir exclaimed.

        Kiara wondered what were the "sights" she was referring to. She knew Kabir volunteered for some or the other Non-profit organization for a few hours every weekend. But she didn't know the nature of those organizations and their contribution. She asked Kabir about it.

"What sights?"

Instead of Kabir, it was Sarah who replied, "Well, for the next 3 weekends, he's working with Farm-Aid. They're traveling to a distant village to help the family members of those farmers who killed themselves due to the famines and exploitation at the hands of the Government. It's honestly very disturbing. I mean, yes, I do wish that they didn't have to take such drastic measures and I do want a better and brighter future for their families but I cannot stomach the things one has to see. The look of utter desperation and hunger just ends up making me feel horrible about myself."

        Kiara knew what she meant. Sarah was a thrifty person. She never lived an extravagant lifestyle and yet seeing those poor people made her feel as if she was a rich socialite. Kiara had felt the same when a few of her classmates had shunned and then bullied her for her good grades. They always looked at her as if she thought she was above them all with her knowledge and her marks and her artistic abilities. Why couldn't they just overlook it all? She didn't fish for any praises but she didn't want any hostility directed towards her either. And the hostility had come in truckloads. She was grateful for people like Sarah who had just taken the effort of sticking around longer and figuring that she wasn't conceited or reserved. She was just... quiet. She wished she could do that for someone. Wait a minute...

"Can I come?" she asked Kabir.

Kabir looked surprised, pleasantly so. "Are you sure?"

        Kiara nodded. She really felt sure about this. And that was saying something as she had felt sure about few things in life.

"Great!" he exclaimed. He sounded like he actually meant it. "I will text you the details later today."

        Excitement bubbled inside her. She could help. She could actually help. Your self-deprecation is a luxury, she told herself. The less fortunate can't even afford that.