I'M NOT BREAKING THEM UP PLEASE BEFORE YOU PANIC. Just the song that pretty much drove this chapter is Sabotage by Bebe Rexha. It perfectly fit the Vibe of the chapter and I've been listening to it nonstop. It's a total banger I highly recommend.
Dotemms is a champ and #TheHole is full of the best people.
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Ruv fingered the blade of a knife, pacing in the hallway while Mass was going on in the sanctuary.
He'd been pondering the conversation several nights ago with Sarv. On one hand, he understood her point; officially they'd only been dating for a few months. By all logical metrics, it was far too early for them to even consider marriage.
On the other hand, they didn't have an ordinary relationship. Not only had they been friends for years, they had a binding Vow that had effectively made him immortal. He had a depth of feeling for her that honestly scared the shit out of him; he'd killed for her and would give up his life for her. She was his light and the only God he could ever believe in. A literal fallen angel, who deigned to love a fuckup like him.
He stopped his pacing, huffed, and pulled out his phone. He tapped out a quick text, pocketed it and the knife, and slipped out through the kitchen and out the garden gate.
As he walked into the city his thoughts turned inward again, towards the dark, selfish, possessive part of him he tried to keep hidden from Sarv. He felt feral at the thought of her only being his in his heart, so hesitant to make it permanent. She was his Sarvente, currently the mother of his children. She'd given him her heart. Loved him. Given him children, no matter how far in the future that may yet be. This burning need to claim her, give her a physical reminder for everyone to see that she belonged to him as much as he literally belonged to her, was choking him. It was a dark and slippery thing, oozing into his skin and strangling him with its intensity.
He was loping down the street into the inner city, his footfalls heavy and the hood of his jacket pulled up over his ushanka. There was only one patch of green, a small park he used to frequent Before. Before Sarv. Before the church. Before the life he'd built.
The benches had seen better days. The trees were twisted and gnarled little things, struggling to find light in the concrete jungle of the city around them. It had a rusted swing set and fading paint on the carousel. He strolled along the cracked walkways, his demeanor making others give him a wide berth.
He didn't understand why Sarv wanted to wait, not really. Logic dictated she was right, but he knew that his emotions were anything but logical. Maybe that had to do with suppressing them for so long; he didn't know. He rubbed his eye and his shoulders hunched further in. Maybe he really was an emotional midget.
He made his way to a peeling white gazebo in the dead center, where people rushed by and kids would play jump-rope. He sat on a weathered wooden bench with rusting arm rests and stared at his feet deep in thought.
What exactly was the problem? He felt wrong, like an ill-fitting shirt or too-small shoes. An itching in his skin, like he had to do something to make things right and he didn't know what. It sat wrong that he loved Sarv and had kids with her without making her honest. Even if the kids were technically from the future. Even if they'd only just gotten together. The wind blew, a chill in it that signaled the coming autumn cold, and he felt it in his bones.
He was being pushy and he knew it. He knew forcing the issue would make Sarv balk, but he had to do something to ease his conscience, as shrivelled and blackened a thing as it was. He huffed to himself, and rolled his shoulders before he rested his elbows on his knees and let his head fall between his knees, eyes unseeing. He hated his feelings, they were complicated and messy and he wished he could turn them off so he could have a bit of clarity.
Fuck, what was wrong with him? He lifted his head. He was so tired, tired of second-guessing himself. Tired of struggling with the small stuff and obsessing over the big stuff. He always did this, self-destructed and sabotaged everything, couldn't stop himself from taking beautiful things and fucking it up.
A pair of kids were playing hopscotch, their parents holding hands on the bench nearby. They wore matching bands on their fingers, smiling and laughing while their kids played. It made his heart clench. Do I even deserve that ?
He thought back to that day in the garden, with pizza and laughter and two kids roughhousing with him while their mother laughed on at their antics. His fists clenched and he let out a shuddering breath. He rose to his feet, and kept walking, deeper into the city, away from the sad patch of green.
He made his way into the shopping district, dodging pedestrians who didn't even see him, his coat pulled tight around him. Shop fronts were visual white noise around him, clothing blending into shoes into jewelry into the people on the street. His mind was rushing, blurring the colors so he couldn't see past his thoughts. The choking feeling grew stronger, constricting his chest.
He just couldn't say what he felt when he tried to talk to Sarv. Couldn't begin to form the words that would spell out exactly what he felt and how much she meant to him. He saw couples on the street, happy families, and it made him furious that he couldn't just make that leap with the woman right in front of him and in his bed. Couldn't get out of his head long enough to spit the words out.
His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he pulled it out to look at the screen.
Everything okay? It's getting late. Xx
He stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, the crowd parting and flowing around him like water around a rock in a stream. His heartbeat was thudding in his ears, those five words on his screen like a reality check to the face. He looked around; there was nothing but a shawarma place and an abandoned department store, but also a tiny hole-in-the-wall thrift shop. He shifted on his feet, debating with himself. After a moment, he pushed his way inside, tapping on his phone.
Is k. Be home soon. xx
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When he got to the cloister, Sarv was sitting in bed and reading. She looked up as he closed the door behind himself, toeing off his boots.
"Hey! You were gone a while." She got up and walked over, standing on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. He shrugged.
"Just needed a bit of time to think without the kids underfoot."
She slid her hand down his arm to weave her fingers together with his. "Did you figure things out?"
He shrugged again. "I think so. Don't worry about it, I'm fine."
She smiled at him and the tension in his spine relaxed. She let him go and laid back down on the bed, curling under the covers with her book marked and on the night stand. She was so beautiful.
He fingered the box in his pocket, then took off his jacket and joined her in their bed. He could be patient. He could wait. He could do anything for her.
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Ruv is stuck in his head and not good with feelings lol. Neither am I. Crossposted from Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30624293/chapters/76750022
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Blindsided
Fanfiction[COMPLETE] Blindsided by parenthood after a freak accident, Ruv and Sarvente struggle to help their children get back to the future and navigate catching feelings. Based on the art by ALAS_toe69 on Twitter, concept: "What if? Selever time-traveled...
