Moonbeam: A Timeline series companion

heartbeat

ok some variation of this general concept  of "these are two people who have not been physically near each other for two years and as a result have to relearn how to do normal relationship things like kiss each other and cuddle" and it may or may not come back in the next night kingdom chapter, but for now, here ya go i guess--this is just a nice idea i had and i needed to write it. this is the night after shadowhunter killed queen vigilance.

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The first night we sleep in the palace--all alone in a big, empty, dust-ridden guest room, Clearsight says, "Ever since the war started, it's like... like my brain just never stops spinning. Do you know what I mean? Like I'm constantly on high alert, and no matter how hard I try I'm always thinking about what could go wrong, or how to make a quick escape. It's exhausting."

We both gave up on going to sleep a while ago. So we've been staring out at the window, at the kingdom below--with its torchlit streets and glowing canyons. It's ironic, that the kingdom of darkness would turn out to be filled with so much light.

I glance over at the roaring fire, shifting my wings around her. "You don't have to be afraid right now, honey," I say, partially to her and partially to myself. "You're safe. It's just us right now."

And she is here, and she's alive. I can feel her heartbeat, if I focus hard enough, see the rise and fall of her breath. What were the odds of that? This moment feels like sand, slipping through my claws far too quickly.

She laughs a little. "You wanna know the truth, honey? I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to be queen, or fix Shadowhunter, or any of the kids—or even be around you anymore. It's been so long, and... I can't be the old Clearsight. Okay?"

And in her eyes, I see grief, and exhaustion, but most of all a quiet, proud fury--the kind of anger felt by someone who's spent years biting their tongue and stuffing it back down their throat.

"I know." I meet her eyes. "I don't think I can be the old Darkstalker either. But maybe we can try to be... new Darkstalker and Clearsight."

She wipes a tear off her cheek, smiling a little at that. "That sounds really nice. Doesn't it? A new beginning."

"Yeah." And then I'm crying too, a little bit--quiet tears of relief. That at least we don't have to pretend everything is fine anymore, because after the past few days, I'm too exhausted to try and put up an act.

She brushes her claws over the lines of faded scars, her eyes meeting mine. "Can I touch you? Is that okay? I just--I miss you. Is all."

I smile a little. "Of course." I pull her in for a slow, tired kiss.

"I think you're a little taller than when you left," she murmurs.

"Oh," I say sheepishly. "Well, you're still tiny."

"And you still think everyone is tiny," she mutters. I forgot how mad she always got about that, making her cute little pouty face at the ground.

"No, I just think you are, because you stopped growing at four," I tease, poking her in the chest.

She shoves me with her wing. "That's not true. I stopped growing at five."

"Oh, big difference." I roll my eyes. Hesitate, turning more serious.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there. You have no idea--how much I thought about you. Every single day. For the first few months, I couldn't get it through my head I wasn't waking up with you anymore, and every morning I'd look over and it'd take me a few moments to realize you... weren't there."

She leans into my shoulder. "I wished I could have come with you. Sometimes. I know that's stupid, but... I just missed you so bad. I would try and look ahead to the futures where you came back--and go through all your old enchantments. I know it sounds weird, but... they felt like little parts of you. Sometimes I'd see them and just break down crying."

"You never told me that," I say softly.

"I didn't want to make you feel bad."

"I don't want you to hide things like that from me. You don't have to do this alone, honey."

She laughs softly. "Old Darkstalker wouldn't have wanted to talk about this at all. You'd just go all quiet, and say you were gonna go get some work done."

I don't know what to say to that for a moment.

"Well. I guess it's a good thing I'm not that dragon anymore."

I learn every scar, every story I wasn't there for.  I remember how to hold her, how to brush the tears off her cheeks and let her do the same for me. Remember the sound of her laugh, and how her kisses still make me feel like we're the only dragons left in the world. I relearn every line of her like an old scroll I haven't read for years, my favourite passages coming back slowly in waves of deja vu. By the time we're done, the sun is high in the sky. I lie down facing her, tail lazily draped over hers, so even when she closes her eyes she'll know I'm still there.

She used to hate it when I'd fall asleep in my office, or in the living room, up late at night working. She said she always felt lonely by herself. I quietly vow to myself, to never stay up late just to avoid looking her in the eyes, and knowing she could see right through whatever act I tried to put up.

"You think you can stop thinking, for a little while now?"

She smiles tiredly, eyes shut. "Yeah. I do."