The Void Between Stars: Book 4 Of The Orion Series

Mending The Broken, Or, A New Start

After Olivia and I had sex, she fell asleep almost immediately. My brain, however, was on fire, synapses firing on all cylinders. For a bit I tossed and turned, but I kept waking Olivia up. Finally I decided I wanted a smoke, so as stealthily as I could manage I snuck out.

I was a bit surprised when I emerged into the hallway and found Jake coming out of his guest bedroom, too. Wordlessly I signaled him to follow me. Together we went downstairs and slipped out the back door. The temperature had dropped even more, and I shivered as we went on to the patio.

We both pulled out our vices, and I lit his for him. He muttered a thank you around the butt, and I nodded to him. Jake noticed my shivering; he was wearing a long, wool coat that matched his eyes damn near perfectly. Holding his cigarette between his lips, Jake slips it off and drapes it over me.

"Green's really not my color," I reply, even though it looks blue to me. But, it matches his eyes, so it's gotta be green. I slip my arms in the sleeves.

"Oh quit your belly-aching."

I laugh, but it quickly dies off. It didn't take long before Jake initiated the conversation.

"Couldn't sleep?"

"Nope," I reply simply, blowing out a puff of smoke.

"Why?"

I shrug, looking at my feet. "A lot on my mind..."

Jake bends at the waist slightly, peering at my face. "Such as?"

I look at him. "Honestly? You, mainly."

Jake visibly becomes guarded. He takes a long drag. "Oh?"

I square my body to his and look him straight in the face. "Look, Jake—"

"Ori, whatever you're gonna say, can you just—not?"

I'm surprised, and honestly a bit hurt. "What? Why?"

"Because it makes me uncomfortable!" he says in exasperation. Then, quieter, "Because you make me uncomfortable."

I frown deeply. "I do?"

"Yeah," he says gruffly. I've known him long enough where I can detect the sadness in his voice he's trying so desperately to hide. "I never know what's going to fly out of that damn mouth of yours."

That breaks me. I immediately dissolve into tears, and I think it's because I'm exhausted so I can't control it. It doesn't really matter why I'm crying though, because Jake looks at me immediately in alarm.

"I'm sorry, for everything," I tell him, and I hate the desperation in my voice. "I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you over the years. I'm sorry I led you on. I'm sorry I used you. I'm so, so sorry I've been violent with you in the past, I'm so ashamed of that and I swear to you it will never, ever happen again. I'm sorry that I can't be who you want me to be, Jake."

Jake tosses away his cigarette and pulls me against his chest. It just makes me cry harder. He kisses my forehead.

"I'm sorry I've fucked around with your emotions. I've been such an incredible b-bastard to you, and it's because of my own i-i-indecision regarding what I've felt—what I feel —for you, and—"

"Orion," Jake tells me, and he gently takes my head by the cheeks and lifts my head so I'm looking at him. "It's okay."

"No, it's not—"

"Ori," he tells me, wiping away some of my tears, "I'm telling you that it is."

"But—"

He shakes his head. "I'm not going to continue to judge you by your faults, okay? You're trying, you're really trying, and I see that now, yeah? In fact, I've never seen you try so hard, and it's making me really happy."

He smiles at me, and it just makes me sob because I don't deserve to be smiled at. Not by him. Jake pulls me against his chest again. Before he speaks, he hefts a heavy sigh." I realized years ago that we were toxic for each other. But you're kind of my world, Ori, and I'd love to make a non-toxic relationship with you from here on out, okay?"

I want to argue. I want to tell him what a fuck I am, that I don't deserve him, or how nice he's being. Yet I know that it won't get me anywhere. So instead I nod against his shoulder that I'm resting my head on. 

Before it gets too awkward, I speak. Well, it's more of a whisper, really. "Why...w-why were you friends with me in the first place? I've always been kinda a dick."

Jake sighs. "Wow, I haven't thought about that for awhile."

There's a pause where Jake just thinks. The longer the silence lasts, the more anxious I get, worried about what he's going to say. It turns out I didn't have anything to worry about.

"I thought that maybe if you had some stability in your life, your attitude would be better." Jake shakes his head, and sways us a little. "No, that sounds like I pitied you. I just liked you. I thought you were something special. I still do. And I could tell you were hurting, and I just...didn't want you to hurt anymore, Ori."

I'm happy it's dark, because I can feel myself blush.

"I love you so much, Ori. I'll always be here for you—got that?" Jake kisses my temple.

I nod, feebly wiping away my tears.

"You're like my brother, okay?"

That makes me laugh and feel a bit better.

"We've been through a lot together—I'm unwilling to give that up."

I sniff. "Y-yeah. Me too."

"Alright," Jake says then. He holds me at arms length and gives me a shake, laughing. "Pull yourself together, man!"

So that's what I do. After a few minutes I've calmed, and we go back to talking normally. Jake screws up his face at me.

"That book really did a number on your face."

"Yeah, I know," I reply, chuckling. "It was a good wake up call though."

"Can I be honest with you?" Jake says suddenly.

"Uh...Y-yeah. S-sure, go ahead."

"I like Olivia, I do," Jake says. "But it's weird seeing you with her instead of Tristan. It's going to take some getting used to."

I nod but I don't reply. I don't reply because, honestly, that's the other reason I can't sleep. Guilt over sleeping with Olivia twists my insides.

"She's great," Jake continues. "She's funny, and nice, and sweet. She seems really empathetic, and caring. Really down to earth."

I nod again. Jake hesitates for a second.

"Do you think that you and Tristan will ever get back together?"

I want to tell him that I hope so. I want to talk about how wrong it feels like being with Olivia. I want to tell Jake how much I feel like a piece of myself is missing without Tristan. That when I look at the stars all I see are Tristan's eyes. I want to tell him that the black fleece blanket no longer makes me sad, but actually brings me great comfort; that I'm actually really sad now that I washed Tristan's scent out of it.

However, all I offer is a shrug. I'm broken up about it enough; there wouldn't be a point in making us both upset. It'd be cruel. So when I never respond, Jake and I fall into a comfortable silence. After a while we go back in, evidently having nothing more to say.