The Void Between Stars: Book 4 Of The Orion Series

Metamorphosis

[TW: exploration of suicide attempt]

After that discussion with Jake and Scott, I found that I could now think of my suicide attempt in a sort of detached way. Those memories were very real, but I could be subjective. As such, I was able to realize how lucky I was to still be alive. I learned after the fact that I actually was pretty close to death. Those first twenty-four hours, even though I was awake, were a large question mark.

Yet I had made it, and that made me smile now.

It was a glorious, strange thing. I had never been happy for myself, really. I always thought everything I had accomplished happened to me by sheer luck. I had convinced myself that I was always teetering on the edge of failure. More so, I didn't think I deserved anything good, because--remember?--there was something inherently wrong with me?

Yet here I was--internationally famous rock star. I had creature comforts. Through it all, I had a really supportive, core group of friends. I had gone through Hell, but Jake, Ben, and Gloria had willingly walked besides me.

So it was with that newfound confidence that I gave my personal interview with Scott that summer, a couple months after shaking hands with my past and calling a spade a spade. I had put on a suit like Scott had told me to, and showed up. And I spoke sincerely, and I allowed myself to be honest.

I was happy knowing thousands of people had watched me be the most vulnerable I'd ever been publicly, live. I was thrilled even more had seen it on YouTube. Within that first day, it garnered 14k thumbs up on the official Saturn Mutants YouTube account.

When the interview is done, and Scott still has his arm slung around my shoulders, and we're grinning at the camera, someone off to the side says the feed isn't broadcasting anymore. The second those words are spoken, I absolutely dissolve into tears. And it's ugly, and I don't even care. And Scott is holding me, and honestly I don't even know why I'm sobbing.

"It's okay, mate," Scott says directly into my ear, swaying us slightly. "You did a fantastic job."

I nod, but I feel like I can't stand anymore, so I sink to the ground. Legs crossed, I hold my head. Scott sits across from me.

"Why didn't you tell me Tris was a guy?" Scott asks gently.

I glare at him. "Did it matter?"

"No! I mean, not that he's a guy. I'm just a little sad you weren't truthful about your bisexuality."

"I-I wasn't a-ashamed, if t-that's what you m-mean," I hiccup through my tears. "It just--it s-seemed like a m-moot point. I d-d-didn't w-want it to be a thing, yaknow? I--I w-wanted you to f-focus on what we h-had, not who he was."

Scott simply rubs my arm.

"H-his n-name is T-Tristan."

Scott nods, still rubbing my arm. When I still don't settle, Scott pulls me into another hug.

"Why're you crying so much?" Scott asks me, but he's not shaming me. He sounds genuinely concerned.

"I-I d'no," I admit pathetically. "It-it-it's a-all just s-so much."

"You did good," Scott assures me quickly. "You did really good, Bauwens."

"Pumpkin!"

The sound of heels running across the floor echoes out, and before I know it there's a new set of arms wrapped around me in addition to Scott's. And it's Gloria, of course, and she's wearing a purple pants-suit. And it reminds me of the outfit she first wore all those years ago when I was just eighteen and had just signed with EMI, and that memory just makes me cry harder.