talking to the moon || tsukiyama

chap. 6

Days and days passed by. Unfortunately Tsukishima wasn't getting any better. He continued chemo for more months, it worked, but the tumor grew too fast. He had been spending these months with yamaguchi.
Tsukishima didn't go to school for obvious reasons. Yamaguchi had online school, his mom asked for it since she thought it was better for him to have classes like that because of the situation they're living.
Yamaguchi knew Tsukishima wasn't getting better at all. Every day he went to sleep scared that tsukishima might not wake up in the morning or something like that.
Tsukishima suffered in silence. He didn't want yamaguchi to think he was weak, especially because he promised him he wouldn't die. Yamaguchi on the other side, wanted Tsukishima to be honest with him about how he is and if the pain is worse or better than before. It's normal, he's worried, he can't understand why tsukishima isn't honest with him. He does it for yamaguchi's sake and his own.
Eventually, summer break came. Tsukishima couldn't sunbath or anything close to that, but he could do other things.
Today, there's a summer festival and Yamaguchi and Tsukishima  wanted to go see the fireworks in there.
Yamaguchi was over at Tsukishima's house. He goes there so many times now he even has the house key.
Yamaguchi was helping tsukishima get dressed, because he was so weak to the point he couldn't get dressed properly.
- Almost ready! Are you excited for the fireworks, Tsukki? - yamaguchi said, tying Tsukishima's shoes.
- Yes. - he replied with a not-so-bothered voice. It's Tsukishima, we can't for a lot coming from him.
Yamaguchi smiled.
- All done! I'm going to get your crutches.
Tsukishima though to himself as yamaguchi left the room to go get his crutches.
- i should've accepted the surgery...
he said. He had an appointment a while ago. his doctor said only a miracle could make tsukishima make it alive, even if they tried to make the surgery, it would be too risky. tsukishima didn't want to die... but he didn't want to live either. the suffering has become so big he didn't really care anymore. he's only alive because he knows if he dies, he's going to break the promise he made yamaguchi.
He didn't accept the surgery tho. He didn't care anymore. He just wanted to spend his last months with yamaguchi. He knows he's going to die anyway.
He feels sorry for having to break the promise. He wish he could do something about it, but he can't. He thinks he's just another victim of lung cancer who's going to die and be forgotten anyway. Little does he know Yamaguchi's not going to forget him, ever.
- Tsukki?... Hey! - yamaguchi called, slapping him out of his thoughts
- ah yes, sorry. - he replied getting up and grabbing his crutches from his friends hands and getting out of his room.
Yamaguchi was confused, but he followed tsukishima.
- let's leave. - Tsukishima said looking at him.
- yes, let's go, it's already late, we don't want to miss it. - yamaguchi said, holding the door open so Tsukishima could get out.
They walked to a good spot near tsukishima's house and sat there.
There was silence between them. All you could here were the noises from the little shops at the main location of the festival.
Tsukishima hasn't told Yamaguchi that he didn't accept the surgery. He knew that eventually, he had to tell him. He didn't know how to do it, especially when yamaguchi is the only person with hope left.
- You seem strange tsukki. Do you feel unwell? Do you want to go back home? - Yamaguchi asked, visibly worried.
- I'm fine, just thinking.
- Okay... Want to talk about it?
- Not really.
- ok, I'm not going to force you.
Silence again. There was only some minutes left till the fireworks.
Tsukishima felt so bad. He wanted to tell him but at the same time, he didn't.
Yamaguchi laid back in the grass.
- Can't wait until you get surgery so everything is back to normal.
Tsukishima looked at him, and held his tears. "i should've accepted it. i should've accepted the god damn surgery." he kept thinking. He's going to destroy his and yamaguchi's dreams. and there's no turning back now.
- I didn't accept it. - Tsukishima said, whispering.
- You what? - yamaguchi asked.
- I didn't accept the surgery, yamaguchi. I'm going to die.
The fireworks started.
Tears started building in yamaguchi's eyes as he looked at the other, who's wearing an expressionless face, looking at the ground.
- You promised me. You promised you wouldn't die on me! You said for yourself you didn't want to die! After all this time did you just give up without any hope?! - yamaguchi yelled at the other one, who kept the same expression all the time, looking at the sky.
- this is why I ask you why do you bother. i always give up in the end.
- Tsukishima, understand this: it's not a game, it's your freaking life!!
Tsukishima got up with the help of his crutches and started walking.
- Where the f!ck are you going!? Yamaguchi asked, running behind him and grabbing his arm.
- Home.
- Why won't you ever listen to me tsukki?? Why is it that you always decide to ignore me? I asked you one thing tsukishima, one!! - he said, stopping the other.
- I just want it to end already. - Tsukishima said and kept on walking.
- You know what? Okay then. die. die alone. breaking promises is fucking lame you know? - Yamaguchi said, wiping his tears.
Tsukishima stopped with his words. His chest ached. It hurt to hear that.
The other one started walking the opposite way. Tsukishima looked back, once again, and looked at the other, slowly walking away, hearing sobs coming out of his mouth.
- what did i do... - he asked himself.
he walked home, and rang on the door. His brother opened it for him and let him in. He went straight to his room.
Tsukishima grabbed a paper and a pen.
He started writing, a lot.
Halfway there, he started crying, silently crying. Tears rolling down his cheeks.
A tear fell on the paper.
- sh!t... - he whispered and tried to wipe it. It was successful but it wasn't a failure either.
when he was done. He let it on the table and went to bed so he could forget what happened.