talking to the moon || tsukiyama

chap. 9

akiteru: hello...

yamaguchi: hey... how are you?

akiteru: not so well...

yamaguchi: i can imagine, neither i am. anyways, need anything from me?

akiteru: i just wanted to tell you that kei's funeral will be in two days. don't feel pressed to show up tho, take your time and rest.

yamaguchi: don't worry, you can confirm my presence.

akiteru: okay, I'll tell my mom.

yamaguchi: my condolences to you and your parents.

akiteru: well, I'm not going to say it wasn't expected, same for you...

yamaguchi: well, rest well you and your parents.

akiteru: you too.

yamaguchi: goodbye...

akiteru: wait! one more thing!

yamaguchi: yes?

akiteru: don't let yourself go down because of others, life's like a rollercoaster, it has highs, low,  and loops sometimes. we just need to go through it and survive without giving up, okay?

yamaguchi: ...okay...

Yamaguchi hanged up and went deep into his thoughts.

"don't let yourself go down because of others, life's like a rollercoaster, it has highs, low,  and loops sometimes. we just need to go through it and survive without giving up, okay?'

those words couldn't get out of his head now, he knew he was going to be thinking about them in the next days, maybe even weeks or months, if his mental health lasted that long.
Yamaguchi laid down again. Looking at the ceiling, he let out a sigh.
- what a messed up rollercoaster im riding - he said and then chuckled softly.
He's doing this thing called "laughing so you don't cry" thing.
He passed his right hand through his face and closed his eyes, forcing himself to sleep.

...

Yamaguchi woke up and looked at the time.
- already 11am? okay i guess... - he said getting up.
He went downstairs and grabbed something from the pantry to eat. After, he went upstairs again and looked through his phone.
He saw photos of his and tsukishima. Wearing each other's clothes and accessories.
- I should go there and grab my things from his room... - he said, getting up. He still had the key and he could bet no one was home because they were probably busy planning the funeral.
He told his mom he was going to his house and left. It didn't take him long to go there so it was quick.
He knocked on the door, there was no response so he opened it and went to tsukishima's room.
He looked around for his things in his room. He ended up finding lost rings shirts there.
He looked through the desk, trying to see if he had left any bracelets there.
Yamaguchi opened one of the drawers and saw something there.
- what's that...? - he said and grabbed it.

"To Yamaguchi Tadashi"

- is this a letter? - He said, opening it and started reading it.

"Dear Tadashi,

If you're reading this, I'm either dying soon or already dead. I wanted to say some things to you but i couldn't. I didn't had the courage or whatever to do it, so I'm writing instead.
I wanted to tell you how important you were for me and how you changed my whole life.
You always smiled in a not-so-good situation and saw it's positive points. You always had this strange skill of putting a smile on my face whenever i was sad or angry. You were always the only one who could do that.
I wanted to apologize for not accepting the surgery. At first, i was going to accept it, but the doctor said it was too risky, so i had a really high chance of dying during surgery. He told me i was going to die anyway, there wasn't much of a chance for me to survive.
I knew you would be mad at me because of it, but i didn't really thought about it until I talked to you about it. I know, i broke our promise, but at least, i could bring it up to you, trying preparing you for the worst. And i know that it wasn't really a good idea too.
At least, i can die peacefully, knowing that you cared about me and that i wasn't just another lame-ass out there.
I did my best to fight the tumor, But i am physically and mentally tired. I don't think my body can take any more chemo or other treatment. My body's on the verge of stopping completely.
I really hope you find this letter or someone else finds it to give it to you.
All of this to tell you one thing.
I always loved you, and i always will, even if I'm dead, I'll be watching you from the sky, loving you more and more each day. I want you to promise me you will keep on going with your life and won't give up on your dreams. Don't let the others bring you down, neither let my death do it.
I wish I could say this in person, but i feel too guilty.
I love you to the moon and back, and always will.

Love, Tsukishima Kei."

yamaguchi read it and hugged the letter like he was holding onto tsukishima. Tears rolled down his eyes as he cried silently.
- you loved me too...? - he asked, Looking at the now all wet letter from Tsukishima.
- I'm sorry I didn't let you explain your decision, i really am... I wish I could go back in time just to tell you how much I loved you before you died. Yet, I'm glad you died knowing that i cared about you. And i always will, even if your dead. I promise you I'll keep going and I'll achieve my dreams... And yours too, I'll achieve your goals and dreams for you, I'll live so you don't feel the need to force yourself too. You were always so strong tsukki, i really admire you. I won't let others bring me down and I'll never ever forget you. I love you more than the number of stars in the universe. - yamaguchi vented to the paper.