Warning: A lot of complaints and curses.
So remember that I created this book almost five years ago to vent out any pent up feelings I have, good or bad... weird rants after which I feel like a calm, composed robot I am.
Well, the truth is that bad feelings... dominate this book so yeah.. duh.
I'm warning u to leave, it's going to be messy cause when I say thr speed of my thoughts is faster than light, I ain't kidding.
Self therapy, here we go.
Sooooo
Something precipitated this outburst, I won't say what but turns out I have 4 assignments to submit and I need to concentrate and whatever that thing did, it's bugging me so much that I hate that it's having such an effect but I need to get rid of it and the frustration of the past one month along with it.
Now that I'm thinking of it, I don't know what to say. Maybe I don't really have anything to say but then again, I have a million things to say but I end up saying nothing because in the end it's me who is judged.
Sometimes, I think the problem is me and not anyone else and then I fail to understand why. I mean,do I give out bitch vibes? I try to be polite....
Okay so my deepest darkest feelings.
College started a few months ago and medical college is unbelievably awesome. And I liked the vibe.
Also.... my dad is sorta the Principal / Dean.
So there's that....
I had my doubts while taking admission there but it's the best med college in the state and like ten minutes away from my home. I'm a proper nerd and kinda a neat freak, non sharing kinda person. Hold up your verdicts people, ik I don't have the most interesting personality, its kind of sparky and judgy but I try to keep it to myself . Ugh, I sound like a horrible person!
So anyway, first few days were nice, next few were awesome. My new friends never included me while hanging out and I understood because who really would want to tag along a nerd of a daughter of a principal. But the worst part, I always felt that I was being watched... not the creepy kind of way but like by the people around me. It's like they wanted me to trip just somewhere so that they could make fun of me and my dad and my sister and my mom ( all doctors so yeah) and being the youngest I had the most chances of tripping up and having an outburst or maybe get into a fight or mess up a test or miss a class.
I couldn't do anything, not even a single thing, nothing notorious, no opinion, no pranks because according to people around me, I represented the institution. So I had to be perfect. I had to be careful. It was worse than school. So tell me, if I can't bitch about anatomy professors with my classmates how will I bond. If I don't bunk a few classes or participate in events, how will I make friends?
Who wants to be friends with a robot, an opinion less, non controversial robot entire medical college fraternity knows about?
I am kinda sorry for myself but somewhere in between my petty little outbursts I had, I realised that these people around me, they felt happy. Maybe it's me being overperceptive because honestly, I'd love to believe that I'm normal and everything's fine and it's all good and I'm imagining things and no one has time to bullshit over me. But whatever I say spreads like fire and I have to keep my mouth shut and tbh ik I'm very lucky because I have privileges of my own and I'm very grateful for that but it's like you need a person to talk to and one who probably won't spread your words in the hostel like a wildfire. Just because of my dad, any bullshit I say would be a teenage fucking bullshit and nothing else!
For fuck's sake why can't people understand that. And u know what, I'm good, good at what I do. And not because of my Dad or I've pulled some strings but I really really am tired of being modest about my capabilities and projecting myself as someone who got lucky or you know, I stood first by chance because I've wanted to be invisible but no matter what I do, I'll never be invisible. It's like the only superpower I would ever wish for, besides being able to control time because that is, without a doubt the greatest power anyone could have.
If I own upto my hardwork I have an attitude problem and I'm arrogant and if I'm modest about it, my dad must've pulled some strings. No matter how much I prepared for it because tbh it was inevitable to happen but these things get to me and it makes me angry because I want to be thick skinned about it and I still can't and it's pitiful and I hate being pitied and being the victim because I'm not! And I'm done pretending to be lucky because if I were I would be in the best college of the country and I wouldn't have underachieved like I have today and being a failure at something makes you strong and weak at the same time because you don't quite get over it. The only reason I failed was because I never believed I could do it and I undermined myself, always and somehow that had gotten so deep inside me that I chose escapism.
So I am sorry if I believe in something even though I'm so behind and I have a long shot at achieving it. I am sorry if I'm secretive about my thoughts, opinions, goals and personality because I honestly can't find a single person who I could trust with myself and who wouldn't bail on me even if I push them away because that's what I tend to do. My graph of friendships has been a sucky one. I am not really the kind of person who's capable of handling things well and you know, I did the most horrible thing. I forgot one of my few friend's birthday two days ago like totally and I felt so horrible about it. Even though I apologized profusely and she forgave me (kinda) I felt ashamed and I still do.
And it's times like these when the whole vicious cycle of doubt starts and I'm a grade A overthinker so it gets ugly inside my head.
Anyways, that's a part of what I've been feeling this month and a cherry on top would be that none of the people I was hanging out with during offline college (now classes are online from the past month) wished me my birthday... that made me think over my choices.
__________
Not so depressing rant
Sooo putting the bad things aside,
I have been addicted to this song Arcade by Duncan Lawrence and I'm literally in love with it and Aditya and Maisha 's situation kinda fits in so I guess I got the title for the next chapter 😍😍😍
