Note: This has nothing to do with Friends. A lot of curse, beware
Today is one of those crap bag days when I feel worthless. The same damn cycle of self loathing, self doubt, over analysis, over sensitive, melodramatic bullshit over and over again eating me away. An idle mind is a devil's workshop indeed!
But I am just such a big ass coward that I'd rather cry about it alone than let it show to anybody! And THE ONLY REASON I WROTE IT HERE IS BEACUSE
A) No one reads it.
B) It is the only place where I can get it off my chest.
Sometimes I feel like a thankless bitch who likes to complain about anything and everything in her life but the thing is, tiny meaningless things bother me. Or I wish they were meaningless to me. I donno. I feel like crying because I worked so fucking hard and I got so much less than what I wanted. I donno if I deserved it but no fucking one could've gotten that far as I did.... And maybe I am living a lie and maybe it is good enough but it is not what I wanted. There! I FINALLY ADMITTED IT!
I know I wasn't doing enough but I was doing so much! I believe in karma so I tried my level best to do good and be good and not hurt anyone, even unintentionally... Did it have no value? And now I think, being good to ppl doesn't matter at all. They'll treat u like shit and move on and in the end it's only you who lost.
I just saw my books today and i couldn't help but break down. I had worked and learnt so much in the last two years and I used to be confident about myself, about my capabilities but now I feel like a dumb, worthless piece of shit who just is too stupid to memorize the important stuff. And this shit is scaring me to no ends. Now I don't even think I will ever be good enough to become a good doctor. And the fact horrifies me because this is what I've always wanted to do.
At first I used to think that I didn't work hard enough! Maybe I should've put in more. I got a good clg alright, the best one in the state. Parents are proud too but when I saw my books today, what I studied, how much i had prepared, I just broke down. Blame me for being an ungrateful fool but I couldn't help it. I tried my best to control it but I couldn't help but ask, where did I go wrong? And the irony is I don't understand where!? So I'm bound to believe that I'm incapable of something good, that my beliefs till now.... That one day I'll do something good, maybe great, were all wrong!
I started reading The Alchemist in this April and the book had a profound impact on me. There were just 40 pages left before the book ended and I was at a great pace. Somehow, I just closed it mid sentence, folded that page I was reading and promised myself that I would complete this book only when I set foot into my dream college as a student.
And now I know I won't be reading the ending anytime soon. And the thought is crushing me.
And I'll never have the courage to tell this to anyone, even the closest person to my heart (my mom) that I had a dream and I failed, miserably indeed!
