to love someone else

Chapter 22: nightmare

She couldn't calm down. Not for a good while, she could not. Aerin heard Aragorn say something about giving her space, and they stepped away and sat down, but Legolas did not move. And Aerin did not mind, for he took her hand and placed another over it, and it was so soothing Aerin thought she could fall asleep again. Only then did Aerin realise she was sniffing, for she had no idea that she had silently started crying. Legolas still looked at her, eyebrows furrowed in alarm, and Aerin could feel her own pulse beneath his touch, and she was sure he could hear it just as loud. ''I'm alright,'' Aerin said after a while, ''Really. I'm sorry I woke you up.''

''Are you sure, lass?'' Gimli asked. ''Yes, I'm sure. It was just a dream. Go back to sleep. I'm sorry, we should all get as much rest as we can.'' Gimli nodded in understanding before he lied down where he had been sleeping, and Aragorn said to Aerin softly: ''I am right here if you need me.'' she smiled back and nodded in gratefulness, before he too retreated. Legolas was still next to her, still holding her hand. ''I really am fine, Legolas,'' Aerin insisted, ''You too should go back to resting.'' He still didn't move. ''I need no rest,'' he said, ''And somehow I know you shall have no more of it this night either.''

''I probably won't,'' Aerin admitted with a sigh, ''But I need no company.''

''I wish to keep you company regardless,'' he said, and Aerin thought how harsh she must have sounded. She wanted to insist but she knew he wouldn't change his mind, so she saved her breath. Aerin felt like she needed all the breaths she could spare. She was utterly exhausted, in mind and body alike. She had no will to argue about anything. ''Thank you,'' Aerin whispered. ''Aragorn was right,'' he said after a short silence.

''About what?''

''If he were to put together a group of Gondor's finest soldiers, few could challenge you,'' he smiled. ''I guess I'm a bit lucky too,'' Aerin said, ''To survive many battles, one needs a good portion of luck to go with skill. And I've been incredibly lucky.'' She tried to smile but the pain of Boromir's death was still in her mind. ''You haven't come out of your battles untouched,'' he argued. ''I have yet to earn a wound too serious. These cuts are all small and heal fast. Pure luck,'' Aerin smiled. ''You humble yourself,'' he smiled. ''I really don't.''

Silence again. Aerin thought about it - about how uncomfortable it used to be to spend time with Legolas, and how utterly comfortable it had become to sit in absolute silence with him. It was not simply comfortable, it was pleasant. She didn't know for how long they had sat in silence, where the only thing that could be heard was Gimli's snoring.  ''I cannot help but wonder... and I wish to ask you but I fear you'll take offence.''

''I don't take offence easily,'' Aerin smiled to encourage him, ''We're friends. Ask me anything you want.'' ''Well, I noticed a scar on your side. It does not seem like a scar from a cut, and so it intrigued me... What kind of battle you earned it in?'' All the blood that was in her body rushed into her head. Her cheeks felt so warm Aerin thought one could probably prepare a stew on their heat. She felt anger mingled with hurt mingled with shame and she could not help but breathe heavily now. She was sure he noticed. She tried to speak as calmly and as normally as ever. ''When did you see it?''

''I did not mean to,'' he said, ''When you were bathing in the river. I saw nothing but your back. I apologise. It was not intentional.''

Aerin knew it was not intentional. For all she cared, he could have seen her completely naked and she would not have been as upset. It wasn't about him seeing her in the river. It was about the scar. It was about what that scar meant and bore. Aerin hated that scar. She was ashamed of it. As lucky as she was to not earn scars in battles, it was almost a bad thing, for her - she almost wanted more scars so that this one would get lost among them. Aerin had only one real scar from a blade, and it was on my arm. The rest always healed, but that one - the one he saw - never went away. ''I did not earn it in battle,'' Aerin managed to utter, though she feared her voice would break. If there was a word to describe a feeling more terrible than hate, she'd use it. To say she hated the scar was to put it lightly. ''How then?''

''I don't want to talk about it,'' Aerin retorted, and she was sure she sounded harsher than she'd intended, but she cared little at the moment. She did not realise her hand had been in his still, the entire time, before she pulled it away that exact moment. Aerin almost regretted it instantly; the loss of the warmth seemed to take away all the comfort as well.

''I apologise for prying,'' he said, and it was then that Aerin felt absolutely terrible about being harsh. Still, she couldn't speak about it. ''I think I'll try and get some more rest now,'' Aerin said, though she knew she would find no rest, and it was only so that she would be left alone. ''I'll leave you to it.''

''Legolas?''

''Hm?''

''You never asked about my dream,'' Aerin said, though she meant it as a question. ''There was no need to go again through what made you scream in terror,'' he smiled, before he walked away. That was the moment Aerin knew he was a friend she wanted to keep. She did not fall asleep again that night. No matter how exhausted she was from all the running, and no matter how few were the hours we could spare for sleep, Aerin could not use them.