Tattoos And Cigarettes [A Destiel Fanfiction]

Little High, Little Low

Cas sat in his room. The party had been over for hours, people were probably passed out downstairs. Sam had stayed in the same room as Gabriel *insert moon emoji here*. Castiel just wanted everything to go away. He wanted to disappear and see if anyone would miss him. Castiel put his earbuds in and turned up his music.

Heartbreak is so inevitable. Castiel never thought it would happen to him. He was always so against falling in love. He felt it was pointless, everyone is going to die anyway. Why would you fall in love with someone who's only going to decrease your living time? But here he was, laying on the bed, listening to sad love songs and asking the world why. Why me? Why couldn't it have been someone else? Cas rubbed his eyes.

No one would ever realise. It's not like people will be there to comfort Cas. No one will ever be there to hold him and tell him things will get better. Best Shot by Birdy came on. Castiel sang along softly and clutched his chest. He felt that he didn't give his best shot, and now everything is ruined. He'd never get the feeling out of his head. He'd never forget him. He loved Dean.

But who could love someone as fucked up as me?

~~~~~~

Dean sat in his normal seat at class that morning. He didn't care if Castiel sat beside him, he was done with that. At least, that's what he continued to tell himself. He wasn't no where near stable enough to handle Castiel even breathing the same air as him.

Castiel showed up late. He was thin and pale and had dark circles under his eyes. He sat beside Dean and later his head down on the desk. Dean's heart started beating rapidly. He wanted to reach over and hold him. Dean bit his lip and started drawing, to get his mind off things. He started out with a pair of the most beautiful eyes ever. Dean smiled. He started working on the face, erasing constantly and redrawing. Shadowing and shading. He finished the head and worked on the hair.

When he was almost finished, Castiel leaned over. "What'cha drawing?" Dean quickly covered it up. He didn't want anyone to look at it, and plus, the drawing was strikingly similar to Cas himself. "N-Nothing." Dean turned toward him. They locked eyes for a brief moment before Cas turned away. "Sorry, I'm interrupting.." He mumbled.

Dean frowned, "no.. It's okay.. Don't be sorry."

Castiel looked at him again. Before he could speak, the bell rang. Castiel sighed and threw his hood over his head. He left the room quickly, and headed outside. Dean folded up the drawing quickly and followed. He felt that Cas needed to tell him something.

Castiel was at the gazebo again. It had become his own little place of refuge. He sat down and pulled out a cigarette. He lit it and stared at it. He took a puff, and then stared at his wrist. He cocked his head to the side, thinking deeply. He placed the end of the cigarette on his wrist and held it there. He could hear his skin sizzle, it hurt him, but he didn't pull away. He just kept looking at it. "Cas..?" Piped up a small voice. He quickly stubbed the cigarette out and hid his wrist.

He turned around and saw Dean. "Oh. Hi." He said softly and turned away. Dean came and sat beside him. "It smells awful.. Have you been smoking again?"

"Why does it matter?" Castiel shrugged. Dean sat silent. It does fucking matter, you ass. It matters because I don't want you to go. Dean wanted to say, but his words wouldn't form. He felt like he would turn to mush at any moment. "When you look into the mirror, do you like what you see, Dean?" Castiel said all of a sudden.

Dean was taken aback, but answered promptly, "no. Never."

"Then you know what it's like. To wake every morning and know you're a despicable specimen of human, right?" Castiel sighed. "I barely eat because I'm fat. I act like I'm okay, but I'm broken. I was sexually and physically abused. I'm a druggie, and I smoke too much. I'm useless to this world, I fuck everything up. But I still tried to steer clear of everything and everyone. I tried to not think about "love" or "relationships". Oh, but no. I had to go and fall in fucking love with you and now I can't breathe right anymore. Goddammit, Dean. I just can't live like this anymore. I don't want to live..."

Dean stiffened when Cas had finished. He tried to process everything. Before Dean could even speak, Castiel mumbled a half-ass apology and left quickly. Dean sat in silence. What was he to do? The only man he'd every loved is gone.

~~~~~~

When Dean got home, he had two options. 1) He could kid himself and his family in thinking that he was fine. Or 2) He could get Cas back.

You can guess which choice he went with.

Two hours later, Dean got into his car to go to Castiel's house. He smiled. He finished the drawing, and made it look exactly like Cas. He even added little angel wings to the body. Dean started driving.

He felt nervous. He was going to do it, he was going to get him back. Castiel was his life, and he was going to make it right. He smiled.

His smile soon faded when he pulled up in Castiel's drive. His family was on the porch crying. Castiel was being carried into an ambulance on a stretcher. Dean quickly got out and ran up to Gabriel.

"What's happening?" Dean asked.

All he remembered was watching Castiel leave. Dean's knees felt weak. He fell to the ground. Nothing felt real anymore.