Figuring Myself Out

Chapter 4

Aspen POV.
January 15 Thursday 11:51 am

To catch you all up I have been avoiding my friends mainly Kades as well as my mom and sister even though it is kind of hard since I live with them.

All my family does is yell at each other and there is no love in my house. I try to listen to music to drown them out but sometimes it doesn't work.

At this point I don't know what to do.

As of right now though I am in 4th period finishing up an art project that is worth half my grade. I have made a clay model of a frog holding a tall flower.

As I was about to clean off the clay from my hands I felt my phone buzz in my pocket and when I took it out I saw a text message that was from Kades.

Kades: we need to talk before lunch

In my head I was screaming and instantly having bad thoughts looking at my hands forgetting about my sculpture.

I stopped working on my project and looked at my almost clean hands and wanting to cry. We had about 20 minutes left and I couldn't stop thinking about what she wanted to talk about.

Even though I knew it was because I was avoiding her but in my head I had a good reason but I was scared that if I told her the truth she wouldn't want to be my friend anymore.

The bell finally rung and I was dreading to leave the art room but then I saw her Kades standing by the door waiting for me.

"H-Hey Kades." I stuttered out.

She looked at me and just grabbed my wrists and we made our way to the bathroom in the third floor since would most likely be empty.

Once we are in there she let's go of my wrists and she gave me a look that said 'explain yourself right now.'

I shook my head over and over again with tears threatening to spill from my eyes. I slid to the floor with my knees to my chest.

"I want to but I'm scared you'll hate me. You mean everything to me." I said.

"Boo I could never hate you." She said back gently like she was talking to a child.

I took a deep breath and did the best I could do stop my voice from being as shaky as it it. Hear I go finally telling someone about my gender identity.

"I uhh ... I ummm ... I'm ... I identify as a non-binary person and I use he/they pronouns, there I said it please ... please don't hate me " I told her.

"I could never hate you I don't care what you identify as because you are one of the bestest friends I could ask for and I'll love you no matter what now let's go get some tacos before they only have sandwiches left." She said back.

I clunked onto her laughing with tears rolling down my face while whispering 'thank you' over and over again.

When that was over I had quickly cleaned my face and hands, see if you could tell that I was crying, smiled in the mirror and walked out the bathroom with Kades.

As we were walking down the stairs we happened to run into Victory and Paul who were laughing about something that neither Kades and I know.

"Hey guys funny running into you here." Paul said.

Kades and I had nodded and the four of us went into the lunch line to get lunch. Kades got tacos, Victory and I got pizza and a fruit salad, while Paul had gotten a turkey sandwich.

When we sat down we were just talking randomly about anything and everything nothing too special or important.

"Victory " Paul said

Victory had stopped her conversation with us and looked at Paul once she heard him call her name.

"Let's go to Ms. Bullocks class early today. " He told her.

She looked at us before nodding her head. Then it was just me and her at the lunch table.

Neither one of us were saying anything we were mainly eating our lunch because soon enough that bell was going to ring and it would be time to go to English.

I had finished first and went to put my trash in the garbage can when Kades grabbed my wrist.

"Let's start walking to class when you throw that away." She said.

I nodded and grabbed both of our trays, threw them in the garbage, came back to see Kades standing up with my backpack in her hands.

I took it from her and we started walking to Mr. Branden's class taking the long way.

"Would it make you feel better if I started to use he/him and they/them pronouns instead of she/her?" she asked.

I wasn't looking at her but I had nodded and she grabbed my hand as we continued walking to English.

When we made it to English, Mr. Branden was sitting at his desk typing something on his computer when he noticed us and stopped to speak.

"You make a lovely couple." he said.

I started to blush and when I looked at Kades I could tell that she was also blushing but neither one of us said anything.

We just sat down getting our materials out our bags. Kades put her leg over my lap and I grabbed her hand to draw flowers on them.

By the time the bell rang and half of the class was here Kades dropped her leg from my lap and I stopped drawing on her so the both of us could pay attention to Mr. Branden.

~ 2:45 pm leaving Environmental Science w/ Darla

It's finally the end of the day and I am ready to go home and take a nap. I was too busy in my head that I didn't even notice Markayla, Kades, or Victory.

As they were talking I was putting things in my locker and zoning out to realize they were talking to me until they were looking at me.

"What?" I said.

"I said are you coming to Darla's for the sleepover?" Victory repeated.

I looked at Kades and she gave me a look that said 'you need to come'. I sighed before nodded my head yes.

"Fine I'll come." I told them.

The five of us leaving the school in the directions of our homes.