Figuring Myself Out

Chapter 11

Aspen Pov.
March 18 12: 45 pm Saturday

A couple weeks have gone by and I am sadly still here and I am ready to go I hate hospitals it smells like sterilization and death.

I was just given lunch and to say that it looked gross was understatement, it was meatloaf and mixed vegetables. Honestly haven't been eating since I got here probably lost weight while being here.

As I was moving my food around and drinking some of my water before feeling a headache come on, I heard a knock on my door.

My doctor comes in and I rolled my eyes not paying him any mind because I know why he is here.

"Aspen I would like you to talk with one of our psychiatrists if you want help we can hel—" He said.

"STOP TRYING TO FUCKING HELP ME LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE I WANT TO GO HOME." I yelled.

He sighed before checking my vitals and walking out and leaving me alone with my food and thoughts which wasn't a good thing right now.

Why haven't my friends asked about me?

Did my mom check my phone for their messages or calls?

What if they don't care?

Would they really be okay about my death?

Who would speak at my funeral?

How would they feel if I did —

I was interrupted from my thoughts when I heard the door open but I wasn't look directly at them. I knew that it was my mom she comes every day on her lunch break.

My sister hadn't come see me since she found me that day but I didn't really care if she cared of not.

"Hey sweetie I bought some games for us to play since I bet you are bored out of your mind." She said.

I didn't say anything to her I just continued to look at the tv and pretended that she wasn't there.

My mom sat in the chair and she tried to get me to play uno with her but I didn't want to play, I wanted her gone.

~ 1: 45 pm

"Okay I have to go my lunch break is over I will see you tomorrow." she said.

I paid her no mind and looked to my left and saw that I had forgot about my food and 'accidentally' dropped it on the ground.

* TW: Talking about pills*

There was nothing on the tv so I was just staring blankly at it. It wasn't until I got an idea that popped in my head.

As one of the nurses was talking to my doctor I took one of the bottle of pills from her cart and snuck back in my room.

After looking at the door five times I opened the bottle and poured out half the bottle into my hand just looking at each and every one.

I heard a knock on the door which made me panic so I did the only thing I could think of at that moment which happened to be take the damn pills.

Before I could swallow the rest in my hand the doctor came in with someone who I didn't recognize.

"Hey Aspen this is Dr. Marshal I know you didn't agree to talking with a psychiatrist but I think that she will help you." he said.

"Hello Aspen." the other doctor said.

Even though I felt sluggish I was able to slur out a few words to both of them, both of them looking concerned.

"Heyyyyyywazzzzzuuuuupp." I said.

My doctor and Dr. Marshal talked while glancing at me before my doctors who's name I forgot left not before glancing my way one more time.

I had the rest of the pills in my hand under the blanket and the pill bottle was under my pillow and I was running out of time.

"Good afternoon Aspen do you mind if I ask you some questions?" She said.

I shook my head.

"Nononono" I said.

She had continued to stare at me and writing in her book for 20 minutes until my heart felt heavy and was pounding causing me to sweat.

I started to panic not liking this feeling and I knew must have been the pills I had taken about 25 minutes ago.

"Aspen, Aspen are you okay? What's wrong?" Dr. Marshal asked.

"hard to breath." I said.

I laid back on the bed and before I knew it the darkness surrounded me once again hoping that finally I have done it.

*It technically ends here*

~ Sunday the next week

I realized that I wasn't dead when I not only heard the beeping but four different voices about me hurting my ears.

"SHIT THE FUCK UP" I tried yelling.

When I tried to bring my hands to my throat my wrist were being restrained to the bed and I finally opened my eyes seeing restrains.

The doctors came close to me and I tried to be calm but I was getting anger by the second as they didn't say anything.

"Why the hell do I have theses on?" I asked.

"Well you need them so you won't be a danger to yourself we had to pump your stomach three times so your throat might be sore for a few hours your mother and sister are here, I am happy that you are still with us and someone will be here to give you some water." The doctor said.

I laid back on the bed and rolled my eyes wanting everyone out of my room not caring that some of them were my family.

My sister looked at me not in an angry way but a sad way. I didn't necessarily care or understand why because I know that she doesn't give a damn about me.

Chandler stormed out my room and my mom just walked after her without saying anything to me making me frown.

Why did she go after her and not stay here with me. Am I that horrible, did he blame me. I thought as I saw her leave.

Dr. Marshal saw and told the doctor to leave the room so she could have a chat with me and I looked skeptical at her.

"Aspen I want to restart I think that with getting you therapy you will start to get the pain that you feel to stop and I want to get to know you and I hope while you are here you can get the help that you deserve." she said.

I know what I said next would break her heart more than it hurt me to say. It looked like she was going to cry with the face she made.

"Why do people keep trying to help me stay alive when I just want to die?" I ask.