The Burning of the White Wisteria

CHAPTER 18: TRUE NATURE REVEALED

"So I failed my exam."

Scrape.

"All because Moony insisted we go out last night."

Scraaape.

"Of all the people I had to fall in love with, it had to be him."

Scraaaaape.

"Alexa, I swear to Salazar if you don't stop doing that I might just kill you."

I glanced up at Mara apologetically. "Sorry." I dropped my quill.

Luci and she exchanged looks before Mara let out a hefty sigh. Her olive hand placed itself upon mine, warm against my cold fingertips. "Are you really okay? I know you said you are but--"

"I am."

"But you're not," Luci said bluntly. She kept her pale face calm as she looked at me. I could tell she was choosing her words carefully. It made my stomach churn that my friends felt like they were walking on eggshells around me, never knowing when I would snap.

Luci brushed a piece of her long black hair behind her ear as she leaned closer towards me. "You haven't been eating again. I mean, how much weight have you lost?"

10 pounds, I thought to myself.

My hand unconsciously went to my collarbone. My fingers ran over the overexposed bone, my skin ice cold. I knew I had to start eating again. My body couldn't handle much more of this. I've passed out countless times now. But...

I think if I tried I'd throw it up.

Mara's shuffling broke me out of my thoughts, her brown hair pulled up into a voluminous ponytail that would have put Heather Ironwood's to shame. "Did you get into another fight with Abraxas?" Mara asked, concern oozing in her tone. "I can kick his ass for you--"

"No," I shook my head, "it's nothing like that. Abraxas and I have been great. Thanks anyway though."

"Yeah... Yeah, of course."

We all fell silent.

I picked up my quill again, scribbling on my paper once again. I'd picked up the habit one day after... Uh, everything happened. Watching the black ink pool onto the white paper made me feel better. I'd let the ink seep deep into the paper, so much so that there was no remaining white left on it by the time I was finished with it. It's comforting to me. It felt like something else was going through what I was.

Sometimes I wrote things too. Peoples names mostly. I liked doing it because I could scratch their names out. It felt like I was protecting them somehow. Like I was saving them before the black came and took over.

I wrote Sirius' name a lot.

Maybe it's because I feel so guilty about lying to him all the time. I can't even count how many times I'd had to cancel on our dates now to see Tom, to do whatever his cruel heart desired. I'd begun to run out of excuses. What was the last one I'd used?

Does it matter?

No.

He's going to break up with you.

I know that.

I wouldn't blame him for it either. All in all, I've been nothing but a terrible girlfriend to him. I knew he had begun to catch on to the fact that I've been lying to him. I have been ever since Slughorn's party. Tom seemed to catch me everywhere-- on the way to class, back to the dorm-- and every time he did he managed to have a new task for me to do. Sirius started to notice my absences, asking me where I was all the time and if something was wrong.