Don't Close Your Eyes [TWD]

°•thirty one•°

"If you can.. This is the first time she's shut me out like this. I don't know what to do. Maggie said she understands, but she was there for it, I wasn't," Glenn's voice faintly says.

"I'll try," Carl's hushed voice promises.

I wondered if they knew I could hear them despite being behind the door..

"Thank you," Glenn breathes.

"Of course."

"I'll go outside. I'm gonna take watch shift."

"Okay," Carl says, "I'll talk to her."

It was only seconds after I could hear Glenn's footsteps fading down the hall that Carl opened the door.

"Hey," he greets, slowly closing the door.

I hum, pulling my pillow closer to me.

He takes further steps in, sitting on the edge of my bed.

"You heard. You know why I'm here," he says, placing his hand on my side.

Sighing, I move to sit up properly, taking my pillow into my lap and hugging it against my chest.

"When you're ready," he says, bringing his leg up to turn around and look at me straight.

We sit in silence for a few minutes, Carl rubbing soothing circles on my knee under the blanket.

Gathering my words the best I could, I finally speak.

"You've killed before," I note, "I have, too. It wasn't my first time."

"Mhm," he nods, listening intently.

Taking a deep breath, I look to his hand, "Did you ever want to?"

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Not killing somebody out of defense.. Not out of fear.. But, because you wanted to," I try to explain.

"I don't know," he says, "I don't think I have. There's been times I did, but I didn't have the chance to go through with it."

I nod, releasing the pillow with one hand to pick at a string on my blanket.

"That girl.. She had a knife and was going after Maggie," I say, fighting back the tears, though I could feel the lump in my throat coming back.

"She cut her shirt- right at her stomach," I shakily breathe, "An inch more and we would've lost both of them."

Carl sighs, kicking his shoes off and climbing further onto the bed. I scoot over as he sits beside me, both of our backs against the headboard as he wraps his arm around me.

"It was out of defense. For you, Maggie, and the baby," he says.

"Yeah, but.." I trail off, remembering just how unrecognizable her face was by the end of it, "I wanted too more."

He nods, his thumb caressing my shoulder as I lay my head on his.

"I didn't know.. I didn't know what to do with myself. I'd never been that angry- that scared. Of everything. Angry at that girl, angry that we were in that place, angry that I had to do it. Scared of losing the two of them, scared of the situation.. Scared of myself," I explain.

Carl lays his head on mine before speaking, "I thought that's what I was. When I had those thoughts.. Thought I was another monster, just like those people- just like the walkers. But, it's not- I'm not."

"How'd you figure it out?" I ask.

"I stopped looking away from it. My dad, my mom.. Shane.. everyone. Everyone was trying to shield me from what was really going on. Didn't want me to see the bad things and just wanted me to live like nothing was wrong," he recalls.