Him - Monsta X Short Story

five.

It was a silent ride home. It was hard to hear that Jooheon wanted me dead. Harder to hear all the ways he's thought about killing the both of us. It broke something inside of me. My heart is the obvious choice, but it broke my mind too.

We got home and I went inside to relieve the babysitter. "Ki!" Benji smiled, running and jumping into my arms.

"Hi, Bubba," I smiled. "What have you been up to?" I sat down in our recliner, handing Annie her bag.

She smiled and thanked me as she took it from me. "We ate breakfast, we watched TV, and now we were just coloring. He made you a picture." I gasped gleefully for him.

"You did? Show me!" Benji smiled and grabbed his paper off of the new coffee table. "Thank you, Annie. See you next weekend?" She smiled, letting herself out. "Okay Bubba, what do you have here?"

My smile faded slightly as I looked at what he drew. "You, me, and Daddy. We're taking naps like we used to." He giggled a bit before recognizing my sadness. "You don't like it?" He asked.

"Oh," I shook my head. "No baby, I love it. You're so talented!" I kissed his head. "Wanna watch more TV?" I asked. Benji nodded happily and I picked him up, shifting to the sofa. Minhyuk came in quietly and sat in the recliner. Benji was too focused on the TV, and nodding off, to recognize him. It didn't take long for him to fall asleep. I picked him up and took him to his bedroom. As I came back down, I spoke to Minhyuk finally. "How was he?" I asked quietly.

Minhyuk sighed, trying to keep his composure. "When you left, he begged me to stay. And I was torn between coming to find you and helping him. But I stayed because he said he had no one else if I left. So I had to stay for him." That was a given. I would've been pissed if he left him and came for me. "He admitted to the doctor that he's felt a similar way since he was 11," he sighed. I never forget that he's wished death on wrongdoers before but it's never been so drastic."

I picked up the drawing Benji did and handed it to Minhyuk. "Ever since yesterday, I cannot stop thinking about what Jooheon said. And Benji deserves more than me. Better than me." I started crying again, thinking about all the ways I've hurt everyone around me.

"You stop it right now," Minhyuk said, coming to hug me. "He's mad at everyone. He's mad at me for causing some, if not all, of Hyungwon's problems. He's mad at you, he's mad at himself, he's mad at Hyungwon for dying. You can't take this burden." I shook my head, convinced that I could.

I mean, Hyungwon suffered for another two years because of me. "Either way he could've ended up dead and I put him through hell for two years. I could've let him go, I could've just stopped. Some days, I really think that he would've lived if I just left. Maybe if I had left, he would've kept looking for me, for longer than two years and maybe he would've had help and..." My voice trailed off.

Minhyuk sat me down on the couch. "Why is everyone blaming themselves the most for him?" He asked. "I raped him. I abused him. I shut him up with manipulation. While I'd love to think I'd have been a good person and just stopped myself, I don't know if I ever would have. You stopped that. I became my father and you stopped that. You got Jooheon help, you got Hyungwon help. You gave them what they needed. I'm their goddamn brother and I didn't do that! I hurt Hyungwon, I had Jooheon terrified. If you weren't there, I don't think I would've ever stopped being my father. Stop blaming yourself when we all know I'm the one who's to blame the most. No one has hurt those boys more than I have. And no one, and I truly mean no one has helped them more than you. You got him Benji for Christ's sake!"

I heard him, I just didn't feel him. Yeah, it was true, but that didn't take away the guilt I felt about berating him for his preferences. "He wasn't in love with me anymore, Min. I took Benji from him!"

"Because he was on drugs!" He snapped. "He was on drugs, he stopped working to fight his bipolar disorder and became irrationally angry, he was about to hurt your son. Believe it or not, Benji is your son. That's your baby upstairs. You might just be a young adult yourself but that baby wouldn't be here without you. Do you get that, Kihyun? I have no doubt in my mind that Akira or Changkyun would've hurt him. Changkyun's capable of a lot, I don't put severely harming Benji beneath him." I started to cry harder, thinking about what could've been. "We cannot change anything that's happened and if you want some blame, fine. Everyone sucks here. You just suck the least out of all of us." He held my close to let me cry in his arms.

It just all hurt. "He wanted to kill me, Min," I whimpered. "Do you know how long it's been since I feared for my life? So long, I can't even remember. And it's not even that he scares me, but..." Well, I guess he did. "I'm worried about him but I'm also worried about Benji. He misses Hyungwon and I can't get him back for him. If I could? I'd stop everything. He can have him back, I-I would leave everything behind." I sighed before hearing a small cry that was neither mine or Minhyuk's.

Fuck. "I'm sorry, Ki..." Benji said softly. "I'm a good boy, right?" It was like someone cut my heart out and stomped on it right in front of me.

Minhyuk left me and went to pick Benji up. "Of course you are, Bubba!" He kissed his forehead and wiped his tears as he came back down the stairs. "You are such a good kid for Ki and me!"

He shook his head. "I was supposed to be a good boy for Daddy and Ki," he sighed sadly. "Remember when you were sick, Ki?" He asked. "Daddy made me breakfast every day. He sang with me, he danced with me. Why did he leave? Mommy didn't want me, didn't Daddy want me?" I couldn't speak, and here I was... failing him again.

"Of course Daddy wanted you," Minhyuk said, comforting him better than I could. "Daddy was just very sick. Okay? When you're older, we can talk about it more. But sometimes, when people get really sick, their bodies give up on them." It wasn't far off from the truth. Hyungwon's brain gave up on him.

He was starting to understand a bit more. It hit me that I stopped talking about Hyungwon a while ago. "Like Joo?" Benji asked. I nodded, letting him know I was listening to him. "Daddy's body just gave up on him?"

I sat down and held my hands out for him. He crawled out of Minhyuk's arms into mine. "His body did give up on him. But when our bodies do give up, our hearts keep going. His heart never stopped beating for one special boy. You." I poked his nose softly, causing him to giggle.

"Okay, I get it," he smiled softly. "I miss him too, Dada." I furrowed my eyebrows. "You! I miss Daddy too, Dada." He corrected himself, realizing I was confused.

And just like that my heart was somewhat fixed. I gave him a kiss and a tight hug before Minhyuk took him to put him back to sleep. "See that," he smiled when he came back. "Your son just called you Dada, Kihyun. You think you're not doing good? He just did that without anyone telling him to. He's never not called you Ki. And on his own, he called you Dada. Not Daddy, because no one can replace Daddy. But Dada, because you are his father." I nodded, sniffling before crying again. A weight was lifted off my chest. I always think about the things people have said about me. And when Jooheon, my first experience with a kid trusting me to the fullest, told me I wasn't good for Benji, that killing me would save that kid more heartbreak? It was eating at me. I was hoping I could find the right balance between hearing Jooheon's anger but not letting it affect me this much. I still needed to care for my son.