Him - Monsta X Short Story

twenty-four.

"Ki," I knocked on their door softly. After my revelation with Julie, I was nervous. Anxiety ridden nervous.

It took a second but Kihyun opened up. "What's going on kiddo?" He asked.

I nodded towards the living room. Kihyun closed the door and followed along. "I saw Julie today," I said, sitting down on the couch. "And I told her I love her. But now I'm terrified."

"Whoa," Kihyun said, sitting down with me. "Love?" He asked. I nodded. "What exactly are you terrified about?"

What wasn't I terrified about. "I-I'm worried about getting to the... you know stage. We're not rushing anything but the first thing I remember thinking about after she left was the fact that sex could be a thing." It clicked for Kihyun finally.

He nodded, taking a deep breath. "You know who helped me with that. I, mistakenly, felt safe with him. The thing that helped the most was talking. Setting my boundaries, being allowed to set them and have them be respected. When it gets to be that time, talk to her. If there's something you don't want to do, remember you don't have to. Is there something you don't want to do for sure that you know?"

I nodded. "I want to be in control. I don't want anything done to me, honestly. No blowjobs, no riding. I'd rather spoil her than make her put in the work, just because I know her putting in the work will make me freak out. I hope that eventually I can, but I don't see that happening soon. How long did it take you to get better?" I asked, genuinely wanting to know if I would ever get past it.

"Honestly, Joo?" Kihyun sighed. "I'm still not over it. I'm like you in a way. Not to be that open about my sex life, but I rarely let Minhyuk do anything to me. I'd rather do it all for him. I don't have much of a drive anymore anyway, but when we do things, it's mostly heavy make outs. With... him, I was the opposite. I took my own pleasure and if he didn't get his, that was too bad. He didn't mind, but after I was done, I was done. With Hyungwon, we made love. With Minhyuk, we make love. But somewhere between Hyungwon and Minhyuk, I lost my drive and I lost my will to feel anything myself. My ex didn't even get to having sex with me. I only choose to have sex if I love someone but that doesn't always mean I get mine. It's still hard to disconnect. I can't fuck. That's something I'm actually incapable of now. Because it's too rough, it's too lusty, and it's too memorable in all the bad ways. Those memories ebb and flow. They come and go. Some days, you'll feel like you've never been hurt. Other days, you won't want to be touched. It's different for everyone and you can't judge your own grief and healing with mine. No path is the same and it's not linear."

I took that answer in, feeling a little bit better. "How do I mention this to her though? I don't want her to think I said I love her just because I want sex. In fact, it's the last thing I want to do. I'd rather take my blood sugar every minute." Kihyun smiled softly.

"Just tell her. Let her know that sex is a hard subject for you, she'll understand. Julie seems like an absolute sweetheart, she understands most things." As Kihyun finished, Aria woke up crying. "Are you good or do we need to talk more?" He asked.

I shook my head. "I'll go make her a bottle," I offered, heading to the kitchen. As I mixed her bottle and set it in the warmer, I texted Julie.

Me:
Hey, I know it's late but something's been bothering me a bit and I wanted to get it off my chest before we got too far in to talk about it. I'm not sure if you know much about my past, but sex is difficult for me to face. And I don't want you to think I've been just considering getting in your pants all day, I actually don't want to rush into that at all. Not until we're both ready. I'm not sure when that is, but it'll be a while. I've never had sex, but people have had sex with me. And I don't want that to be you and me. I love you a lot, and we can talk about the details more later. But I just wanted to be transparent about it now.

Kihyun came back downstairs with Aria and took the bottle. "Thank you, Joo," he sighed softly. "Minhyuk's so tired, he didn't even budge when she started crying. Usually he turns around or something but he's knocked out."

I nodded, sitting down, watching him feed Aria. My phone chimed as I did.

Julie:
It's perfectly okay. Given my past, I'm not open to sex soon either. I'm not sure I told you, but at a certain point, Jacob would just choose when we had sex and got mad at me if I didn't want to. I still did but it didn't feel any sort of right. So, sex is not my concern right now either. I appreciate you telling me now, I was worried about it too. I love you, I have to get to sleep for work tomorrow.

I smiled softly, texting her a goodnight message before setting my phone down. "I'm gonna go upstairs, I'll be right back." I headed upstairs and went straight for Kihyun and Minhyuk's room. I know he was tired but I wanted him to see how good Kihyun was with Aria. "Min," I whispered, slowly making my way to his side of the bed. "Wake up," I said, shaking him softly. Nothing. Oh shit. "Oh my God, Min?" I asked, shaking him harder. I felt his neck and I felt my soul leave my body.

I rushed back downstairs, grabbing my phone again. "Whoa, Joo, slow down. What's going on?" Kihyun asked.

"Min's not breathing!" I yelled, tears flowing incessantly.

Kihyun's eyes widened. "What?!" He asked, handing me Aria, switching off for my phone.

I held her as tightly as comfortably possible for her, terrified. What happened? After she was done eating, I rocked her softly, trying to keep myself calm. But that was proving difficult as I saw the flashing lights outside the house.