Him - Monsta X Short Story

twenty.

Fear. Shame. Guilt. Hearing them argue like that felt like it was all my fault. A lot of family arguments were all my fault. Like the time I asked Minhyuk why he makes Hyungwon cry at night. When he picked Hyungwon up from drama club, he lit into him. "So you're fucking blabbing to our little brother about us?"

Hyungwon scoffed, laughing slightly. "I will literally never be proud to have an "us," Minhyuk. You'll never have to worry about that." He kicked his feet up on the dash.

"So you get fucked and it's suddenly a bad thing?" Minhyuk asked. "But you're begging me for more. Make it make sense."

I was in the backseat, silently crying. Hyungwon glanced back at me. "We will talk later," he said, trying to ignore him.

Minhyuk wasn't having it. "No, make it make sense, Hyungwon. You love getting fucked like you do but suddenly you're not happy about it." That's when Hyungwon lost it on him.

"Are you seriously telling me I like being sexually abused by my older brother? That's what you've been doing. Coercing me, groping me, using my natural pubescent horniness against me. We're fucking brothers, Min, did you forget that?" Now, Hyungwon was upset too and that was all my fault.

Another time, I outted Kyungwon to my mom and Minhyuk, but I didn't know it was "bad," and she didn't talk to me for weeks. Now, Minhyuk and Kihyun are arguing and it's because I told Kihyun to be honest. The way he punched the wall and broke down before finally noticing me watching, that was all my fault. Terrified of my family falling apart, I rushed upstairs to hold Aria. I didn't wake her up, but I just held her close, sitting in the rocking chair in the corner. I haven't had a breakdown in a while bet I felt it coming.

All of my life, I've had a dysfunctional family. I just wanted a family for once. While I immediately went into protection mode over Minhyuk because he's my brother and I hadn't known Kihyun loved him back yet, I feel like I just jinxed all of that. My dysfunctional family started with me. Minhyuk and Kihyun showed up at the door and I looked up at them, crying softly. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I get a glimpse of a good family and I fu- mess it up."

Kihyun furrowed his eyebrows, coming to put Aria back in her bassinet. "That's not even true, Jooheon. Don't say that." I let him take her.

"It is," I whimpered. "My dysfunctional family always starts with me." Kihyun didn't know how to fix that, so he turned to Minhyuk.

He sighed softly, sitting at the end of their bed. "Joo, come on. You can blame literally everyone else in our family for our dysfunction, not you. Me, Mama, Dad. You can barely blame Hyungwon or Kyungwon. I don't think you can really blame Kihyun."

Kihyun laughed softly. "I appreciate the vote of confidence but I'm not squeaky clean either. Remember, it's only been about four months since Jooheon was fighting me for being the cause of our dysfunction."

I giggled a bit, wiping my tears. "Sorry, bro. I love you." Kihyun nodded, sitting next to me.

"I know, buddy. I love you too." I laid my head on his shoulder, letting him comfort me.

Minhyuk smiled softly. "We got married really fast, Joo. We skipped dating and went right to married. We're going to have fights, we would've had them even if we dated first. But we're not breaking up or anything, and any fights we do have is never your fault. It's all how we react to each other. I promise." I nodded again, still feeling guilty.

"I feel like I'm fucking ten again," I sighed. "I just don't know. Seeing you guys argue just unlocked something I didn't know I struggled with anymore." Kihyun rubbed my back, laying his head on mine.

My brother came to join the hug party. "And that's understandable. I know I'm the subject of a lot of your anxiety about family dysfunction, and I know I have to sit and talk with you in depth. Because the things you saw me do, things you heard me say? Not fair whatsoever." I nodded, hugging him slightly.

"I love you guys and I appreciate you so much." I stood up, heading out. "I'm gonna try to go to bed now. Goodnight." They sang a chorus of goodnights as I closed their door behind me.

I went downstairs to my bedroom and broke down into tears again. "Hyungwon," I sniffled softly. "I don't know if you can hear me. But I miss you... I miss the way you used to take care of me. I hope it doesn't hurt you that Minhyuk and Kihyun are married. They really love each other. And they partially have you to thank for it. The way you died was unfair. You didn't deserve that. I wish more than anything that I could bring you back."

I heard a knock on my door. Fuck, I didn't wanna talk anymore. My door opened and Minhyuk came in. "So, what did you tell Kihyun?" He asked softly.

I shrugged my shoulders, laying down. "Told him he was depressed and that he needed to talk to you. He loves Aria, but he doesn't feel an attachment to her. He wasn't ready to be a dad to another child, he didn't even know if he wanted to be a dad again. And I know you hate it, but he was supposed to be having these conversations with Hyungwon. He was supposed to be married to our brother. I told him he needed to figure it out because if he treats Benji better than Aria, she's going to grow up to resent him and Benji." I was deep into my thoughts at this point.

Minhyuk sat down next to me. "So, do you want to talk more about why you resent me? We've come so far, Joo. But it's still... we're still strained."

I agreed. If I was going to give Kihyun advice, I'd better take it. "I know there's a lot because of Dad, but you treated me like shit before we learned how to manage my health. You treated me like shit afterwards. I don't know if you're healed now or whatever, but you were literally transphobic, closeted homophobic, you were not a good big brother. You're better now, but I never felt safe with you." Minhyuk nodded a bit.

"I wasn't a good big brother," he started. "And I'm beyond sorry for that. When Hyungwon and I fought over you and I actually finally saw that you were terrified of me? It killed me. All I saw was that I was being the sick, twisted version of a man that Dad wanted me to be and that... that and how horrible you must have felt changed me. It really did."

I wanted to believe him but I didn't. "Was it that, or was it the fact that you lost two kids?" The look on his face was either sadness from the mention of it, or remorse for that being the catalyst of his change.

He was almost speechless. "That also played a part. In their short... existence, they were met with unfortunate circumstances. And I realized that in all of our lives, I've been the reason of a lot of unfortunate circumstances. And I needed to be better for you, Hyungwon, and now Kihyun and Benji." I nodded, accepting that answer for now. "I love you, Jooheon. And you deserve the world, kiddo. And I'm sorry I took the bit of joy you had." I hugged him, sighing softly.

"It's okay, I love you." It was comforting to get answers from the one sibling I had left. But it sucked that I would never have this type of conversation with Kyungwon or Hyungwon.