Him - Monsta X Short Story

nineteen.

I felt like the worst man in the world. Legally, the baby I'm rocking to sleep right now while Minhyuk sleeps is my stepdaughter. In my presence, every kid is my kid. And I will protect them regardless. But I didn't feel this attachment like I know I should have. Minhyuk always wanted a kid, so he was beyond content and over the moon happy. He even smiled in his sleep. But I just feel like my babysitting. After Aria fell asleep and I laid her back down in her bassinet, I went downstairs.

"Who can sleep with a baby in the house?" Jooheon asked, drinking an apple juice.

I smiled lightly. "Sugar low?" I asked, taking out a hot dog to eat.

Jooheon nodded, "I'll check it again in 15 minutes." He was quite the observant kid, he immediately knew something was wrong with me. "So why are you up, looking like you're guilty?"

Damn. "Is it that obvious?" I asked. He nodded, sitting down with me. "I love Minhyuk. I love our family. But I..." I felt bad even having this thought process, let alone this conversation. "I don't feel like Aria's dad. Or stepdad, whichever he wants me to have. I'm not entirely stoked about having two kids. And I know Minhyuk has to be Benji's uncle, he didn't raise him at any point when he was younger than he is now. You can't just switch it up on him. And Minhyuk wanted a child of his own. I loved that for him when I was just going to be her uncle. I didn't want another kid. Not now." Jooheon sighed a bit, not knowing what to do with that.

"Do you love her?" He asked softly. I nodded. Of course I did. "Are you sure? Or do you love her out of obligation?"

I didn't know. "It doesn't matter. I'm not losing Minhyuk. I would never deny her or treat her differently than I would Benji. A child is innocent. She'll be well loved." That wasn't sufficient for Jooheon.

"I know she will be. You're that type of guy, Kihyun." He took a bite of a cracker as he spoke. "But, you recognize that this wasn't your plan and you're hesitating. What part of this was the plan? You didn't plan to get cancer. You didn't plan to have Benji. You didn't plan to be married to Minhyuk. You didn't plan to have two kids before 25. None of this was your plan. So why are you hesitating?"

I didn't know that either. "I don't know," I ran my fingers through my hair. "I feel like something's wrong with me. Like... I've become this pessimistic person again. I used to have so much hope and so much fight and now? I just give up, Joo. I'm not here." I felt like I was a young teenager again.

Jooheon sighed a bit. "You're depressed, Kihyun. You've never processed anything you've ever been through. Not your mom, not Abe, not Hyungwon and Changkyun. You're just expecting to be able to adapt and grow up faster than you should. You were a teen father and you barely chose it. You just saw a kid who was in danger and you stepped up. Aria isn't in danger and you trust that she never will be. So now that you've filled your plate to the brim, the adrenaline rush you've been forced to deal with daily is starting to fade away. You're what, 22? And you're living like a 35 year old. You're tired." I never thought of myself as depressed after I met Hyungwon. I knew I had been depressed before, obviously. I knew I could get depressed at times. But I never thought of myself still having depression. "You love Aria, but you don't feel an attachment to her?" I nodded, tearing up feeling guilty about that still. "So, go get help. Because you can't be a decent father like that. You're amazing with Benji, that's your son. But you're also going to be a parent to Aria and if she grows up and recognizes that you treat her any fraction of different from Benji, she'll resent both you and him. Trust me, I know what that feels like."

Now, I was concerned. "So," I sighed, leaning on my hand. "Who did you resent?" I asked.

"Who didn't I resent?" He shrugged. "Every single one of my siblings I resented. And I never got to the point of forgiving them, my mom, or myself before the people I needed to talk to died. I resented being the sick one, the different one. Everyone was doing well at school, I was struggling because of my health. Teachers gave me anxiety because no one knew how to handle me. They needed to give me separated class time from everyone else to help me individually. My siblings never had that. Mama grew tired of me often, and I knew that. She never grew tired of my siblings, even though they grew tired of her always having to tend to me. Kyungwon and Hyungwon were actually the two who began to treat me correctly when they heard me crying, talking to a stuffed animal about how much my family hated me. Minhyuk was like dad, had to be the hard ass who didn't believe I was going to be struggling to maintain. Can't believe he has a kid now," Jooheon finished. He grabbed his glucose monitor and his notepad.