Him - Monsta X Short Story

six.

Today was the day. I was getting out just in time for my birthday. I've been here for a while, I've lost track of the days. But being here was a blessing and a curse.

The first few days, I was quietly observing. Not that I wanted to, but because it was all I could do. And then one day in group, I accidentally drew all the attention to myself. "Can I talk about our first times?" This kid, Jackson, spoke up.

"What first times," Dr. Williams asked, looking at all of us.

Jackson thought for a second. "Any first time. Sex, drugs, alcohol? I don't know I've been thinking about it all lately. My first time having sex was so clouded. I thought maybe I could talk out the experience."

Dr. Williams nodded. "If we're all okay with the topic, I'll allow it." No one objected, and we only had a small amount of time before we broke off to go back to our rooms and wait for our one on one sessions anyway.

"I was 19, I think. It was at a party and we were all drunk and high, so who knows what even happened." Jackson slowed down so he could gather whatever memories he had left. "I started drugs at 13, drinking at 15. So, those aren't really what I'm thinking about. I just barely remember anything. There was this girl and we were talking all night at this party. After smoking a little and drinking a lot, we found ourselves upstairs, planning to just sleep it off. One thing led to another and I woke up with nothing on. I'm not thinking we didn't consent... albeit drunken. But neither of us knew any different, you know? There wasn't a sober person between us." Jackson sighed a bit. "I feel cheated that everyone spoke about sex and hyped it up and their first times were awkward or amazing or indifferent. I'm sad that I don't remember it. I wanna remember things like that. I want to think about it and reminisce and laugh about the awkward parts. But I don't know if there were any."

A lot of the stories were like that. They couldn't remember, but they knew that both participants were under the influence somehow. "I remember everything about my first time," I said, honestly trying to speak to myself. But I was loud enough that everyone heard me. The silence grew thick in the air before I realized they were waiting for me to speak. "I was 13, 14? Something like that. I was hanging out with a girl who I thought was my only friend. She asked me out and I said yes. Why her parents left her home alone, I had no idea. I think it was a day off of school? My brother thought it would be good for me to get out, hang out. So I did. She baited me, with her kindness. Everyone hates the diabetic, autistic kid at school who gets to bring their dog with them everywhere they go. She took my first kiss, I wasn't too mad about it. It wasn't anything special, a kiss is a kiss. Then, she started to grab my crotch and I couldn't find the words to tell her not to. And since she was my girlfriend. I just said yes. You know how our bodies react to stimuli, so she just assumed I liked it. She unbuckled my pants, and I was nervous. Thank God, I stopped pissing my pants by now, right?" That familiar feeling of anger started to envelop me. "So there I was, 13 or 14, sitting with a girl my age in her living room with her sucking my dick like this was normal. I can't speak, not unless I'm comfortable with people and the situation. I can't even make it known that I'm upset or uncomfortable. Instead of displeasure, all my voice kept telling her was that she needed to keep going. So she took up her dumbass dress and started riding me until she got hers. And every time after that would be a no. Then she got a little weed in me and it was an okay. Still never a yes." I looked around at everyone. "So yeah, I guess I'm the only one who remembers my first time here, right?"

Before Dr. Williams could say anything else to wrap up group, we were called to head to our rooms. He tried to stop me and talk to me but I walked out before anyone else could and found my orderly. Later in therapy, I talked everything else out. But nothing about sex.

"You're going home soon," Dr. Maddox smiled. "You've been following the program so far. I heard you spoke up in group for the first time today?" I nodded, thinking back on it. "We've talked about everything but the one thing I want to talk about before I can clear you is about your mom and your brother. Can we talk about that today?" She asked.