Fate (Boyxboy)

Conflicted

July 25, 2022

I know I agreed to stay. He knows he asked me to. Yet, we both somehow end up in a long, unbearable silence, both of us sitting in the too loud, silent room. The distance between us leaving an aching in my heart that I had thought was numbed long ago. The fact that he's right beside me, so close I could just reach out and touch him, take him into my arms; hug him, kiss him, love him... and the fact that I know I can't do any of that.

"Where did you go yesterday?" He finally asks.

I think of a million things I can say, but my mouth just won't open.

"I got so worried. You know? I know it's been a long time, and you're not like you were back then, at least I don't assume you are... old habits just die hard? I couldn't help but be... I don't know, concerned?" He mumbles, rubbing at his slightly stubbled jaw with the sleeve of his shirt.

I watch him out of the corner of my eye, too afraid to fully turn to him and face him. My mouth opens to say something--anything--but again my words fail me and I leave him in silence. What am I supposed to say?

"Look, Kai... There's a lot I want to say to you and ask you, I just don't know where to start," Jace begins. "Everything's just so messed up. I never meant for this to happen, and I never meant to hurt you, or for you to come back and find me--"

Before he finishes, I'm standing and walking forward, further into the room, hurt by the words he's saying. It's true then. If I hadn't found him, he wouldn't have ever told me. He would have gone on letting me believe he was dead. Did he truly care so little? I don't understand. Why? I want to understand!

I wander forward, skimming my hand along the chairs as I pass them. Jace is slowly following behind me, I can hear him, but mostly I can feel his closeness. Funny how in-tune you can be with a presence you haven't felt in years. How familiar it all still feels, but at the same time... there's a foreignness to it. A void in our link, formed throughout the years of separation. The part of him I don't know.

"The reason I asked you to stay is to talk, Kai," He sighs, grabbing me by the crook of the arm to turn me when I continue on without saying anything. "So, please... talk to me."

I feel a mixture of emotions pass through me at his touch; pain, remorse, happiness, anger. So many conflicting emotions that I don't know whether to cry, or smile, or hit him again. Taking a fourth option, I turn to him with a blank expression.

"What do you want me to say to you? That I forgive you for breaking my heart? That it's okay that you let me grieve over your death for eleven years, when it never even happened? That I've been perfectly fine? That I moved on no problem? That everything can be all sunshine and fucking rainbows just because we're talking again? Well, it's not going to happen, because not one of those things is the truth," I say bitterly.

A frown etches across his beautiful features, something I honestly hate seeing, "No. I want you to tell me about you, Kai. I want honesty. I want you to tell me how you feel. How you felt."

I shake my head, "I can't do this."

My feet begin pulling me towards the exit, my mind screaming at me to run, get a safe distance away. But, my heart... my heart is roaring loudly, causing the blood to rush through my veins hotly, a ringing to sound in my ears as an alarm, telling me to stay and fight. For what? I have no clue. Is there anything left to fight for?

"Kai, wait!" Jace exclaims. "I just want you to know the truth. I want you to know my side. I want to know yours. Can't we just talk?"

I sigh, holding back tears only barely, "No. I can't just talk, Jace. I don't think you know how much I'm struggling with this. Part of me wants to just say 'fuck you' and forget about you, but the other half... it won't let me and I hate that, because that's what you deserve. I hate you... but, I hate myself more because even saying it I know I'm a fucking liar."