Fate (Boyxboy)

Homesick or Heartsick?

July 23, 2022

It's been eleven years since Jace passed away. I'm thirty-two, live alone in a nice apartment in London, work at BBC radio one where I have my own show, and I have a girlfriend named Daisy. At first glance, people believe I'm this great, successful, lucky guy who has it so good. People always ask me why it is I never want to go out, why I never seem content when I have the sweet, simple life that a lot of people work their whole lives for and still never get. I always brush them off with a slapped on smile, and never give a clear answer.

Truth is, I'm unhappy because I can't share any of it with the person I love most in this world. What's the point in getting a nice place to live, if I can't live in it with Jace? What's the point of having an awesome job where I have fans and friends, if I can't come home and talk all about it with Jace? What's the point of anything if Jace isn't here next to me to tell me how proud he is of me like I know he would.

That's just it, there is no point. To any of it, because Jace is not here and never will be here. I'm unsure what I'm doing half the time. Sometimes it feels like I'm just trying to float through life, getting through it as fast as possible so that maybe I can one day be done with this all and follow Jace to wherever he went and have him back in my arms. The only thing keeping me going is the fact that I know he would never forgive me if I resorted to suicide. Which I won't lie, crossed my mind many times over the years.

Then, I would always remember all the wonderful sweet nothings Jace would whisper to me; the encouragements, the love he spent on me. All that time he spent helping me piece myself back together and then helping me better myself. He saved me and it would be so wrong to go against his wishes for my happiness now that he's gone. I lived on for him, and I will continue to live on for him. I want nothing more than to make him proud of me. It just hurts. It's nearly unbearable.

"Kai, come on, shows over," I hear my friend and co-worker, Seth, yell from the other side of the studio door.

I quickly snap out of it and exit the small room, to see a grumpy looking Seth scowling at me. Seth is a pretty good looking guy I have to admit. He's shorter than me, but that's not hard to be, I'm a pretty tall guy. He's not scrawny in the least, instead he looks like a wall of lean muscle. His skin is fair and judging by the green eyes and light, scattered freckles, his natural hair is probably red, but it's dyed a mixture of blonde and blue. His clothes are a little colourful and out there too, but he manages to still look manly--I don't even understand it.

"What's eating at you?" I question, walking past him towards the employees lounge to gather my jacket and messenger bag.

He easily falls into step with me, sighing in a way that tells me it has to do with our boss--Brandy, "Queen B is riding my ass about everything lately. Get me this, get me that. Stop showing up late. Stop slipping the f-bomb in all the time!"

I chuckle at his exasperated expression and shake my head, "I told you you shouldn't have slept with her. Now she's pissy that you used her as a one-nighter and she's taking it out on you."

"Ugh, I've had it up to here with women! Maybe I should take up the ways of the gays and broaden my horizons, try out men. Maybe you had something before, girls are just impossible!" Seth grumbles, shrugging on his leather jacket.

I roll my eyes and give him a droll stare, "Yeah, let me know how that works out for you. I bet my left nut that you fuck the next girl who walks by."

We walk out of the building and start making our way down the street towards the nearest starbucks, as per usual, until he huffs again, "You honestly think I couldn't hook up with a guy?"

I stop and sigh, "Seth, I'm saying you wouldn't. Do you even know how gay sex works? Also, don't string along someone just to experiment, that's mean."