Fate (Boyxboy)

Dear Zoe

*Play song*

October 31, 2022

In my thirty-one years, I have seen, felt, and done so many things and each has changed me and redirected my path through life in more ways than I can count. By just eighteen years old my mind had worked only to see things as black or white. The light or the absence of. Courage, or the absence of. Happiness, or the absence of. It always seemed to me that I had to have one or the other, there simply could not be a middle ground. I was miserable, and I believed that was where I was stuck in life. That people were either completely happy, or they weren't at all and I just happened to be one of the unlucky ones.

As I aged and I saw and felt and did more things, my mind was opened up to so many more possibilities. I realized that no matter where I was in life, it wasn't entirely dark. There would always, at the very least, be tiny streams of light that filter through the cracks to guide me through the dark. Courage wasn't a lack of fear, but simply the challenging and overcoming of that fear. Doing what frightens you despite being completely and utterly terrified. Sadness didn't mean I couldn't feel joy, and happiness didn't mean I couldn't still feel pain. Along the way I met people with smiles brighter than the sun with heart breaking tales, and people who had miserable lives who lived contently with the knowledge that they had someone that loved them still.

It took me a long time, but eventually I came to realize that nothing is ever definite. Light and darkness and courage and fear and happiness and sadness is all so flexible and fleeting. None of it is ever permanently and entirely present nor entirely gone. There will be moments of good and bad and you must take each with grain of salt and weather through the bad and cherish the good when you have it. It's all about perspective and what you choose to see. You can choose to dwell in your current situation and see only the dark and the fear and the sadness, remaining ignorant to the light and happiness still remaining and the fact that you show courage every time you get up and face the difficult days. Or, you can choose to look for the slivers of light and the few things that still bring you joy and grasp them and hold on tight to them, knowing that you have the courage to hold on until better days come.

I learned that life isn't out to hurt anyone, but it's also not going to present anyone a perfect life on a silver platter. Each person, no matter how perfect their life may seem will have their difficulties and challenges, and that no matter how horrid someone's life may seem, they'll find happiness. Like I've said; Life is an idea--an experience. What we take from that experience is up to us. We can be bitter over our losses and misfortunes, or we can move on from those and smile and be satisfied with the joy and love and successes.

Happiness is a state of mind. Nothing physical you can touch or see, so do not entrust what you perceive to be 'happiness' in something as fleeting as a place or a person or even an object. True happiness starts and ends with you. Make yourself your own source of happiness, so you can carry it with you no matter what life throws at you. Through thick and thin at least you'll still have your kindness, your will to go on, your heart of gold, your passion, your sense of humor, your imagination, your loyalty. Make yourself something worth being proud and happy about. Be content in the skin you live in. Don't go searching for something that won't last, because like myself, you'll eventually see that those things you once yearned for will only ever bring you brief happiness.

I know I speak like I've learned my lessons and have perfected the art of being happy, but the truth is, despite what I've learned, I still make my mistakes. I still instill miniscule sources of my happiness in the people I love and perhaps that's just human nature. Perhaps it's inevitable that we make these mistakes despite knowing the consequences, because they allow us to experience regret and loss. Even though I'm well aware of how much people wish to live without these feelings, I truly believe them to be necessary. They allow us to be humble and feel grateful for the things we still have.