Love with a Loss of Innocence

20.

(y/n)'s pov

I never would have thought a trip across the lake would wash away everything. 

Don't look back, my conscience said. Whatever you do, don't look back. 

I didn't, for why would I? My original goal to become the future heir of Ellesmere was already fulfilled, so I didn't need Asteria anymore. 

We were halfway across the body of water that divided all three kingdoms. Nethilor was on the left of us, and from the peripheral of my eye, I could see the tall crystal spires peek through the permanent stratus clouds that always hover across the area. 

The trade ships between the empire sailed past us, carrying gold and spices. The scent was so strong I could smell it from inside the boat. 

It was like seeing your life's work unfold in front of you. And it was heartbreaking.

________________________________________________________________________________

One week later

We were now back in the castle, a week after the treaty signing. Apparently, festivities were still going on in Ellesmere, so I was among a group of partygoers, rethinking my life.

The Court of Paladin, Mr. Lucas, Gilda, and Ayshe were all standing up, talking about their experiences. I could see Sir Yuugo take a sip of Asterian wine, another reminder of the person I used to be: a naive prisoner in satin robes. 

I know that I'll become a fairytale in the storybooks centuries later. The forgotten lady, who took destiny in her own hands, and tore it in two.

But then again, it was honestly funny. Not in the way it was something to laugh at, but in the way the outcome wasn't what I thought it was going to be. But over the course of a year, my plan for revenge turned into a plan for harmony. 

No one in the world was either absolute goodness or absolute evil. As children, we learned that heroes were kind, and villains were cruel. But we never seemed to look past their intentions. Maybe from a different point of view, the positions would be switched. Better yet, what if there was no hero nor villain, to begin with?

What if there were just people? We're just humans, who'll go down in history, as the perpetrator or the victim, the generous or the wicked. For behind every pure heart, still lied a little darkness.

But to that, historians will only wonder who broke the Crown Princess's heart, and no one will bother to learn more. 

Some writers might make Ray a savior. They'll describe him as a gentle leader, who cared for his people. But nobody will even think about the lady who threw his weapon to the grass in a swordfight. 

The legends focus on the king, but the truth was, if queens were the ones on the throne, empires would last for hundreds of years. 

I guess that was one reason why I didn't choose to be Ray's bride. I didn't want my existence to be reduced to only one of the many queens of the Asterian kingdom. I want people to remember me, and my story won't be about the pitiful noble who had fallen victim of the powerful Conglomerate, but of the rightful heir who came to reclaim back her rule.

But I can't be expectant. It will be many years until women gain equal rights, but I hope, that I contribute to this cause. This isn't some quintessential, idealistic world we live in. If you look further, you'll see small details that won't fit in with your utopia. 

Icons and monarchs of old were revered to be perfect in every way, but they were so idolized that slowly, citizens start to forget the flaws that make them human. Gradually, they'll become something far from humans, like a god, and well be considered "detached" from the rest of the world. That's what makes it the most painful.

No one would have guessed that as people polished away their morality, they start to grow in hatred too. 

It blinded me back then, malicious thoughts dominating my mind. It was like a monster, eating me from the inside. But as I grew in thoughtfulness, I learned to forgive, for we were all prone to mistakes. 

Part of me thought my decision was a terrible idea, and that I was progressing with the wrong mindset. But what is done is done, and there was nothing I can do about it. I just prayed that it will all work out in the end. Because, I knew, that Ray was truly, sincerely, sorry. 

We decided to leave the past behind, and focus on what was in front of us. Of course, past meant our first initial meeting as kids, our final departure by the ferry, and everything in between. Our relationship was wiped off of our lives, like a clean slate. 

Some advisors were debating on whether I should build a conglomerate of my own, and I really didn't know yet. Again, I still think I'm not experienced enough to lead a kingdom yet, but I do have a strategy that would most likely ensure success. 

I figured out the reason why the Asterian Conglomerate failed to lead their citizens in trust and companionship. It was because no one was there to represent them in the court. Since their council was made up of only nobles, villagers weren't able to get a say in decisions. So as a result, I believe appointing someone from every city, town, court in Ellesmere will help the kingdom stay together as a whole. 

As I imagined what I would do as the queen, I also allowed myself to slowly forget. It was a harsh cost for peace, but it will have its rewards. I willed myself to let go of my feelings for him, and carry forward. It wouldn't be good to hold on to someone who won't be a part of me anyway.

Soulmates last longer than lifetimes, they say. So I'll be alright in this one.

Some villagers criticized my choice to show mercy on him. A few even thought it was easy for me to let him off the hook like that. But it really wasn't. Bringing myself to forget was probably one of the hardest decisions of my life. But as the Crown Princess, I not only did it for the kingdom but for myself.

He may never know how much I loved him in the beginning, as he may never know how much he hurt me after. And I may sound like I'm arguing against a lost cause since this was it. And yes, it's true he has done terrible things, and that he broke me internally.

But even then, as much as I wanted to rip my skull apart, I learned that he wasn't as much of a terrible human as I thought he was before. So call me the worst person in the world for refusing a beneficial proposition, I don't care. This choice was mine to make only, and I'm not changing it.

However, I can't say Ray didn't do anything wrong, but I do know he was truthful the day he apologized. He grew in character, and I believe that was for the better. 

Despite some of his awful choices, he was not a deceitful person; he was not pure evil incarnate.

Ray was just a boy, who was waiting all this time, just for someone to be with him again.

And because of that, I truly and genuinely forgive him.

I'm grateful that I was able to get to know him in such a short matter of time, and for that, I know he'll be a worthy king someday. Ray was able to change his ways, and gain back the reliance of the citizenship. The path to prosperity looked bright for both of us.

Well, that's what I'd like to say, but deep inside, none of it will even matter, as long as I win the crown. 

So, I'm sorry, that it has to finish like this, but not all stories get happy endings. I hope you learn that you don't need romance to be satisfied with yourself.

For we weren't lovers, to begin with. We never were, and we both moved on from our childish dreams. We started over like we never met in the first place, and I was perfectly okay with that.

We weren't friends, nor were we enemies. 

Ray and I were just strangers with some memories. 

 ~Fin~