APPARENT | ✓

IT'S PERFIDY

         I was convinced,...I became a man that afternoon. But my life didn't really have a positive dramatic change after that day, to be honest. I thought a man had everything at least a step easier. And It was quite obvious that I'd never been in any girl-boy relationships in my life, not even being an acquaintance to a girl. So the situation I got myself in with Olivia was the one big obstacle I had to climb. Learning to...love her. Don't get me wrong here, the first days of actually hanging out together were awesome. We'd meet up at break time, have lunch together, walk each other home, we did it all. But she wasn't my girlfriend, not yet I hoped. I was scared that she might be hanging out with me because of what had recently happened between her parents. So I was constantly trying hard to prove to her that I was more than something temporary,...I was a chance to love.

       ' You know that you're the only one who I've let walk me to my front door right?'

' Well now I know haha, does that mean that it's something special like only for me?...' I was too much.

' What do you mean? Like as a close friend then yeah. You're that special friend I have. I mean I would leave Butch and the gang like 4 blocks from here' She laughed.

' Wow, hope he doesn't hurt because of that haha...' I wasn't joking,...at all.

' I better get going Jamie, I've got the history assignment from Mr. Zulu, remember?' She was taking small steps backward towards her front door.

' Yeah, of course. Please, I don't want to be holding you down...' I started walking away, fast.

I was about 5 minutes behind my daily schedule. That conversation was good for bonding but not for making up any time. I ended up running home. Stormed into the house, left my shoes downstairs and as usual, I threw my backpack to the corner of my room the moment I rushed into it. I took off all my clothes, locked the door, and opened my laptop. It was my 16th workout session in a row. I was desperate ok, hypertrophy doesn't kick in without any consistency and commitment. Good thing is that I had both of them but I lacked progress for some reason.

' Right this is Jeff Cavaliere here. Welcome to Athlean-X dot com. Today we're gonna be doing 3 different types of push-ups. Now we're gonna start with something easy for amateur athletes and then we'll progress all the way to pro-level.' I was obsessed with trying to get my body in shape.

I was too young for intense protein shakes and that made doing a push-up one of the hardest things I'd ever encountered in the cosmos.

' Come on Jacobs, you can do it. Yeah, that's it one at a time. Let's go...' I'd always whisper some motivation to myself like I'm actually doing the workout.

But I'd be looking at myself in the mirror.

' You're a special friend....nothing more. And do you know why? No, no I don't Jamie why don't you spill it out. Well ok, it's because you're shorter than her, you're lacking pecs. Your chest's ribs sticking out looks like an empty dish rack you know. And finally, how do you expect to hold on to Olivia when you're in this state huh?' I didn't hate myself ok, I was...honest with myself.

Even though I knew a lie would actually boost my confidence every time I looked in that mirror.

' Jamie sweetie it's dinner time!'

' Coming mom!' I went downstairs way slower than when I went up.

' Ta-da! I made your favorite. Chicken Ala King. Boo, what's wrong?' A mother knows when her child is not themselves.

Just the way a star knows when it's about to die.

' Mom, am I ugly?...' Was I?

' Jamie, never do that to yourself.' She put down the pot and came down to me.