Mouse

chapter five

As it turned out, my Grandfather's illness was the perfect excuse for me to spend as much time as possible away from my new husband. No one could argue or say anything if I chose to be mostly at Grandfather's side to help him, as he slowly started to deteriorate again; least of all Ricardo.

He made no objection whatsoever when I suggested I should still stay with my Grandfather, in case he needed me. People no doubt thought he was being very compassionate and caring and understanding.

But I knew part of his real motives was the same as mine. It was a good way of avoiding having to spend any more time together than we necessarily needed to.

Grandfather, being a stubborn old man, insisted he wanted to be with his family and have friends around him for as long as possible and refused to go back into hospital as his illness took its final hold on him Of course it was impossible for him to travel with the circus as his condition worsened.

Which was why Ricardo insisted that we use his apartment he owned in Paris. It was his home when he took a few months break from the travelling circus.

So of course I opted to stay with him there, whilst Ricardo remained with the circus that was in the middle of touring parts of Europe. My aunt Lizzie and Ricardo's mother Angela came to stay at the weekends to give me a break and also a nurses or doctors was able to call on him to treat him with his medical needs that I couldn't deal with.

But no matter how much attention I lavished on him, I just watched him getting weaker. the vitality and life slowly draining out of him, and it broke my heart.

So every moment with him became more precious.

He spent most of the time sleeping because of the painkilling drugs, and I would sit at his bedside and talk to him about his favourite subject the circus, keeping him up to date with everything that was going on, sometimes I wasn't even sure he heard what I was telling him.

One evening he seemed more lucid than he had been in a while, being able to sit up and eat a little and speak with me, then out of the blue he suddenly held my hand and asked me to sing to him.

I remember singing to him when I was younger, he claimed I had a sweet voice, and took it after my grandmother He was the only one who had heard me, I was never too shy to sing in front of him.

He and my Grandmother both originally came from Ireland, and he had learned me some of the old Irish folk songs that had been passed down to his family, from generation to generation.

So now I found I was unable to refuse his request, so holding onto his hand I sang his favourite song 'Danny Boy'

But it was only as I reached the last verse in the song it suddenly became very poignant, and I had difficulty to keep the slight wobble out of my voice as I sang softly

And I shall hear, tho' soft you tread above me And all my dreams will warm and sweeter be If you'll not fail to tell me that you love me I'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me.

Grandfather had closed his eyes, and was smiling, and I was glad because then he could not see the tears welling up in my eyes.

I heard a small noise from behind me, and I turned to find Ricardo standing at the open doorway of the bedroom.

He must have let himself into the apartment with his key, but I had not heard him enter. I realised with some dismay, that I didn't know how long he had been standing there for.

Had he heard me singing?

His dark eyes were looking at me in the strangest way. I was aware that I was looking and feeling emotionally raw at that moment. Now I felt my face heat up, embarrassed that he had caught me in such a state, and finding it difficult to meet his eyes.