-Faint Love || SeungJin-

32. Guilt

"Hyunjin-ah get up! You have to meet Seungmin!" my mom shrieked as I woke up. I recalled everything that happened last night.

(Flashback)

I closed the diary. I was feeling uneasy after reading it. It felt like someone just told me the sins I've done and I'm doing for so long. I lay myself on the bed and drifted off to sleep.

Those flashbacks where so hard to take in. I ruined our friendship and everything. I hurt him so bad that I won't forgave myself. He just loved me but I pushed him away. All those hidden feelings were killing me. Why didn't I tell him that I love him? Why didn't I protect him when I promised to do it? Why did I felt that I would hurt him?

"-in -jin -Hyunjin!!!" I abruptly got up. I looked at my mother sitting beside me with a worried face.

"Hyunjin. You have a fever get up!" my mom said. "What's wrong baby?" Why are you crying? Nightmare?" she asked worriedly. I opened my eyes. It was midnight. I touched my eyes and realised that I was crying. My body felt heavy. I sat up and hugged my mother and she returned it.

"Mom, what should I do?"

"What happened?" I felt her rubbing my back as I shed more tears.

"I don't know how to say it."

"It's about Seungmin right?"

"How do you know?" I didn't tell anyone that I love Seungmin so how does she know?

"I'm your mother right?" I nodded. "A mother knows everything about their kid. And about Seungmin I know this from a very long time. I caught you many times writing in your diary. It's the same as Seungmin's diary right?" we broke the hug and I nodded.

"Once you accidentally dropped that diary in front of me and hurriedly picked it up. From that Seungmin's and yours baby photo fell down which I saw but I didn't let you know this."

I kept my head hanging down crying in my hands.

"Hyunjin, if you love him this much why aren't you telling him this?"

"What if I hurt him again?"

"Who told this to you?" she put her hand on my shoulder. "And about hurting, haven't you hurt him many times already?"

I nodded.

"So instead of hurting him now, try to protect him. He's weak but his love isn't faint for you and so as yours. I have seen him happy with you and you suppressing your feelings when you are with him. You have hurt Jeongin as well right?"

"I thought that whenever I'm with him he gets hurt so I distanced myself from him and about Jeongin, I am very guilty. I don't want any one of them suffering because of me. Everytime I tried to hit Seungmin, I wished to kill myself. That day when we were in cafe, I blabbered anything. I regret a lot. I even cried that night. Next day Seungmin slapped me and I know I deserve that. I deserve even more beatings for my actions towards him. I thought to forget him by dating someone else but that wasn't a good idea. I couldn't forget Seungmin even after that. I love him so much." I leaned my head in mom's lap. She creased my hairs and drew circles on my back.

"I used to stare him from far away. Whenever he smiled, my heart fluttered. His every habit from his little jumps when he's happy, giggling when he roast someone." I chuckled. "He's a savage kid. When he sings with his whole heart in the library. He was afraid that people will dislike his voice but I wanted to tell him that his voice is my most favourite sound. When he's in front of me, his flustered face. When he concentrates his lips are pursed cutely. His lazy snail walk, puppy eyes, pouting, everything is precious to me. The time when my friends bullied him, he fainted. I was so scared that he will fall down and get hurt. So, I ran towards him and he fell in my arms. He fainted because of our past memories. Again mom, I thought I hurt him. It was so hard to look him fragile in my hands. For some days he ignored me. That time I felt how Seungmin must be feeling when I ignore him."