A Reckless Bet.

Ryder 17 - revalidation vs. worsening

tuesday 5.02am

Yawning I stretched my arms. I hated waking up this early but today was important so I kind of had to. Today was the day that we were going to drop Jason off at a revalidation centre for young adults.

Sitting up I buried my head in my hands. Over the last few days I had been sleeping on a mattress on the floor, what wasn't super comfortable. Lucinda had been sleeping in my bed. She and Jason were still broken up, it had always been against her will though so she decided to stayed here. But just not in his room, what previously was theirs. It wasn't like she had any place else to go, as she had rented out her own apartment for the rest of the year.

He was a real dick towards her. Yet she still did everything for him what he couldn't, but it wasn't really going anywhere with him so after a talk with him and his doctors we decided that it would be better for him to focus on his revalidation first. Those first few months after the operation were crucial so that's why he eventually agreed. Hell, that man is stubborn.

I knew that Lucinda felt like she didn't do enough, like she could've done better but this wasn't her fault at all. She did everything she could but if he didn't try anymore, all her hard work was for nothing. I hated that I couldn't have helped them with their broken relationship but I slowly started to realize that even I couldn't help them. It also wasn't really my business anyway.

Grabbing some clothes and a towel I let my eyes wander over the still sleeping Lucy. She was beautiful, reminding me how much I had teased Jason with the fact that she looked 100% better than he ever did. God, she really didn't deserve him.

To be honest, I missed the old Jason too. Not only him as a coworker but also him as one of my best friends. We used to get along very well until his accident happened. It was almost like every little sprinkle of lust to live had left him. And we could only watch him go on with it.

And the worst thing about it that I knew how it felt, I only just began recovering from those thoughts. So I knew what it was and still couldn't do anything.

I stepped into the shower, purposely trying to let my busy thoughts flow away, with the water down the drain. As I started washing myself my eye fell upon the finally healed scars upon my legs. The wound had definitely been around 1 inch deep, not to begin with the width. Of course that one had to be stitched, giving an even more painful itch than I was used to.

My insides turned into a knot as I remembered the days I made them, so vividly. I could never forget that point in my life. Usually it didn't bother me so much, but lately I hadn't been in the best place. That made me realize that the harm I brought upon myself would always be in my life, it would always have me on edge. Like I could budge and do it again any time.

I hadn't given myself any new wounds lately, and I'm more than proud of that, but I knew that I could do it again with a snap of my fingers. I knew that I wanted it, something deep inside of me was the calling for it. The pain on my heart weighed more and more lately.

It's not like I wanted to, it's more that I needed it. The pain of having a heartache is too much to bear without having an escape from the mental pain.

I shook off those thoughts as I stepped out of the shower, almost slipping on the smooth floor. Mentally facepalming myself, I grabbed a towel and dried myself off.

-

After a while of silence I cleared my throat. "Do you want to talk about it?" I asked, not sure what was going on in her mind.

"Later okay? Thank you though." She replied, letting me know she appreciated the question but I felt like she wasn't even ready to acknowledge to herself all that was happening.